Friday, January 27, 2012


Okay so this post will probably contain a lot of different random things. I just wanted to give some friends/family a quick update. School has started and so far so good. I have had a lot on my mind and other things going on that I feel like I haven't really been paying attention as much as I should. But I will get there :)

This past week has been crazy hectic and exhausting trying to figure out what has been going on with me. About a week ago I started feeling weird stirrings and tightenings down in my lower right abdomen/uterus area. It didn't hurt but felt strange. Monday it remained all day and started to feel uncomfortable. Justin had me concerned that it was my appendix so at about 11 pm, after not being able to sleep, we headed to the ER. They ruled out my appendix and and ectopic pregnancy (this one made me laugh, as if I could be pregnant, I mean really?) I wasn't experiencing any other symptoms and the pain wasn't extreme and since I knew I had cysts on my ovaries, the doc assumed it was a cyst that was inflamed or something. So we left the ER at about 5:30 that next morning and needless to say I skipped class and slept. The pain didn't change much Tuesday, still there, still annoying, but no other symptoms. I took the pain pills the doc gave me and they didn't do squat. Wednesday the pain increased and started radiating to my right hip/side and to my lower back, by Wednesday night I hurt so bad, but still no other symptoms. I had read it was common for women with inflamed cysts to use a heat pack and that made them feel better so I headed to bed with my heating pad and it helped a tad but I was still hurting too much to sleep. I was wide awake all night just hurting. Come morning I got ready for school, even though I was exhausted I didn't want to miss another day of school. So as I am sitting in class my pain is going crazy and I get reallly nauseous and light headed and broke out into a cold sweat and my limbs turned to jello. This definitely wasn't normal so once I was out of school Justin and I went back to the ER. We waited 3 hours and I still wasn't close to seeing the doctor. My pain was starting to subside and I had a paper due that night that I hadn't started so we left. I figured if it gets bad again I can always go back.

I have an appointment with my new ob/gyn in about a week and a half and these are things I will talk to her about. This feels differently than things I have felt with PCOS before and I am concerned it might be something like endometriosis. With those of you who have endometriosis, please give me any info or experiences you have and whether you think this sounds like it? Please and thank you!

So something else that happened this week is I started bike training with Rufus Racing. Wahoo! I am finally starting this process and I am really excited :) I know I will lose every race but I am going to do it! They also convinced me to start swimming, but mostly just for good cross training and a more well rounded exercise regimine. Plus it will help me swim better because I only dog paddle right now lol

Also, I had a dream last night that I had a daughter. In this dream it was like she just came to me over night and she was already a year old or so. Through this whole dream I kept thinking, "I don't want to be a mom yet" or "I feel nothing for this child". And I am pretty sure this dream summed up my fears I have been having in general about this whole trying thing again....maybe I will feel better after my ob/gyn appointment...

Also, congratulations to my sister in law who had her baby the other night! She is beautiful and I can't wait to meet her!!

Okay there is my randomness for the day. Have a good weekend and thanks for reading!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Get Me Off This Ride

Grief has no expiration date. This is a depressing conclusion I came to last night. I know most of you are thinking "well, duh!". But to be honest this came as kind of a surprise. I have been on a sort of "high" the last few weeks. I have been so caught up with new goals and plans and school starting and a positive outlook that I honestly have not thought about Emily that much. I was really feeling like I was getting to that "good place" where I have fully accepted what happened and am ready to move ahead with an optimistic attitude.

Well, I think I was wrong. I had a break down last night. It really came out of nowhere. There wasn't even anything that brought it on either. The hubs and I had gone to bed and he fell asleep quickly, like he normally does and I was just laying there unable to sleep. So with the whole night ahead of me and nothing taking up my attention, I started thinking. And remembering. And next thing you know I'm crying and can't stop. I've thought about things a lot this morning (I probably should have been paying attention to my teachers...) and have come to a more realistic conclusion of what is happening. I am a real life Jekyll and Hyde. Or maybe a split personality is more accurate.

There is part of myself that most people would consider normal. I am generally happy and excited about goals and plans and am generally excited about my future and life in general. I go to school, I exercise, I spend time with family and friends and am a productive member of society. This is the self most people come in contact with when they associate with me.

Then there is my other self. Who is always in pain. Who struggles to get out of bed every morning. Who just wants to sleep so I don't feel anything. Who still doesn't understand why it had to happen. Who just wants to cry all the time and who thinks about Emily and babies in general constantly. This self is always there.

So I spend the majority of my time being happy/normal while constantly forcing my depressed self out of my mind. I don't like thinking about it and remembering it because it is too painful. It physically hurts and I have to remind myself to breathe or I might pass out. Being happy and acting like life is normal seems so much easier than having to relive April 19th over and over in my mind. So I ignore it. But it is exhausting. Constantly fighting an internal battle of wanting to be happy and having part of you that is always hurting is just exhausting.

So, similar to a shaken soda bottle, the pressure builds and I eventually break down. Every few weeks I have to allow myself to remember and think and hurt or I may go crazy. These times are always by myself, since I feel weird getting emotional and crying in front of people.

Following these break downs is usually a few days of feeling nothing. A feeling of numbness. Then within a few days I am back to "normal". Being happy and enjoying life, not thinking about Emily, until the pressure starts to build again. And so the cycle continues.

So last night during this break down I thought about the cemetery where Emily is buried and realized I really couldn't remember the last time I visited her grave. I am definitely ashamed to admit this. Every day, twice a day, I pass the road that goes to the cemetery and every day, twice a day, I think about Emily's grave and every day, twice a day I think to myself "It's been awhile, you should stop and visit her grave." But, remember, I am trying to be happy and normal so I push it out of my mind and continue on my merry way to school or home. I am trying so hard to get to that "good place" and get to my "new normal".

I am realizing that it is not going to be as easy to get to that "good place" as I thought and it is pretty discouraging. I just want it to stop. I want off this emotional roller coaster. I don't want to forget about Emily but I want to feel like ME again. I want to be genuinely happy and at peace without constantly having to push my hurting self away. I want to be excited about the possibility of being a mom again. I want to be excited about the prospect of having children. Because right now it's just scary. I wish there was someone who could tell me "you will be ok and stop hurting on THIS day and THIS time". I wish grief had an expiration date. But alas, that is just not realistic.

At least I know that after last night's breakdown, I will be good for at least the next few weeks.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Working or Stay-at-Home Mother?

So during one of my last lazy days before I go back to school, I was watching the Anderson show. It was big debate between which is better, being a stay at home mom or being a working mom. I wanted to contribute to the conversation but the people on the television couldn't hear me, so I thought I'd get it out on my blog. :) Some really good points were made on each side and I tended to agree with everything to a certain extent. Here was the general concensus:

Working mothers viewed stay at home mom as lazy, hiding from responsibility, overweight/do not take care of themselves, selfish, etc.

Stay at home mothers viewed working moms as selfish, not as close to their children, neglectful, etc.

I found this all very interesting. Mostly because I am a firm believer in the fact that not ONE THING is the answer for everyone. Every woman is different and every child is different. We all have different personalities. So to say that everyone should be a working mother or everyone should be a stay at home mother is simply silly. I would think this is common sense. What I find the most silly is these women just assume their way is the best. That just because it works for them, that means everyone should do it that way.

I was raised by a stay at home and I loved it. I loved that she was always there, especially when I came home from school. As I was growing up I always thought I would be a stay at home mom as well. However, given the economy and the state of the current world, it is a little harder to live on one income today than it was years ago. I have enjoyed going to school and look forward to my future career, even if it is small. I look forward to being able to contribute to the livelihood of my family. I do not have any living children (yet), but I am sure it is difficult and takes up your whole day, so I do not think being a stay at home mom is any less busy than a working mom.

I truly believe raising your children is the most important thing you can devote your time to. Yes it is important to provide for your children and provide that stability, but being present in their lives is something that will have lasting effects for the rest of their lives. I do think it is important to be responsible and take care of your children's temporal needs, but to say being a stay at home mom is being lazy, I think, is ignorant.

I guess what I am trying to say is why does our society feel the need to decide which is "better"? Why does it matter? Mothers love their children and would do anything for them and want to take care of them. Whether that means working outside the home to provide for them or staying home to be with them is definitely an individual decision and frankly no one else's business!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Things I Would Have Told Myself

As I have been looking forward to the coming year with excitement, I have been thinking a lot about my past. I recently came upon some old pictures of when I was a cheerleader. Yes, I was a cheerleader. It was only 3rd-5th grade though so you can't hold it against me :) As I was thinking back to those years of carefree life I was reminded how drastically different my life is than what I imagined it would be. How incredibly ignorant and naive I was... but I guess that is what childhood is supposed to be like right? I had never imagined my life playing out like it has. So I look back and feel sorry for the little girl that has no idea what is coming... I wish I could have prepared myself. So here are some things I would have told that little girl:
-You will get married much younger than you anticipated (but that was a good thing :)).
-You will not have children as soon as you thought you would.
-You will try to conceive for 15 months with no success and will need medical intervention to make that dream a reality.
-You will bury that child (this one is a doozy, for it truly blindsided me).
-You will carry a lot of guilt and feelings of inadequacy.
-You will feel isolated from everyone. Too young and childless to really fit in with those who have children. But experienced too much to really fit in with girls your own age.
-Sometimes while you are driving, you will look in the rear view mirror and pretend you are talking to a baby in its car seat the back seat.
-Sometimes while you are laying on the couch you will lay your hands on your belly just waiting and hoping you will feel some kind of movement.
-You will feel like you are going crazy.
-You will, for the first time, really struggle with your faith and what you have known to be true your whole life.
-You will have feelings of envy and resentment like never before.
-You will come to realize that there are many others like you out there who are suffering in silent pain too.

And some things I hope to add to that list soon:
-You will be a mother to living children.
-You will be happy again.
-You will learn to be happy with your new normal.

Thanks for reading :)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Tear Inducing Video

Thanks to Holly over at Caring for Carleigh for this song. Love it.


The whole process/event of losing a baby is something I have been thinking about a great deal lately. I had no idea it was so common. It wasn't until I lost Emily that my eyes were opened to how many women have lost their children.

However, it wasn't until I lost Emily that several people I knew personally had lost their children as well. Just months after losing Emily my dear friend Susannah lost her daughter, and just last night my best friend's brother and his wife lost their baby at about 7 months. Something I had never before thought about, is something I am now surrounded with. It seems strange. I don't know if it is because I just did not notice it before or if there really has been an increase of loss in my little world. During a conversation with my best friend last night we discussed how ironic it is that women who do not appreciate their children, or do not take care of the children they have are able to get pregnant and have children like most of us breathe. And then there are those of us who want to be mothers so bad and have a good foundation and life to be raising children and we are left with nothing. It is so true that good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. So goes life. I have found that trying to make sense of stuff like that proves pointless. These are things we will never understand. All I can say is that I have faith the Lord will take care of us. He knows us better than anyone and knows what we need. Plus, we don't always know someone's circumstances and situations. Who is stay who "deserves" a baby and who doesn't?

The point I want to make with this post is how thankful I am having had gone through what I did with Emily. While I miss her everyday and it still makes me sad, I am now able to comfort and connect with women I would have never connected with before. I was able to comfort my friends who experienced the loss of their babies. If I had not lost Emily I wouldn't have come close to understanding them or being able to help them. I have also been able to "meet" and talk with women out in the blogging world who are just like me and feel the same things I feel. It still amazes me how strong these women are and how they went on to have such fulfilling and wonderful lives. I can only hope I will be able to heal and live a wonderful life as well.

I think I can honestly say the Lord knew what he was doing when Emily left us. Had it not been for that experience I would not be who I am today. I would still be in my naive bubble. It was/is painful but it has stretched me more than I could have ever imagined. So for that I am grateful. Thanks for reading!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year!!

I am sure almost everyone around me has heard me express how excited I am to say goodbye to 2011 and HELLO!!! to 2012.

I am so excited that today is the 1st and no more waiting around for it to get here. Something wonderfully strange has happened to my outlook and attitude as I have welcomed this new year. The majority of 2011 was a blur and many months spent healing and trying to create my new normal. Since April I have been stuck in a place of not really being depressed but feeling like I will never be completely Happy again. I have tried and tried to feel like the old me but I almost feel as though that girl no longer exists.

So who am I? 2012 is my year to find out. To re-evaluate who I am and what I want. To create new goals and get to know myself all over again.

Some things I plan to accomplish this year include road biking, learning to play the piano, do a bit of travelling and spend as much time as I can cherishing my loved ones. I am getting sick of just thinking and talking about doing these things. It is time for action! I feel as though 2011 was a wasted year for me. So many months spent feeling lost with no real direction.
2012 is my year to take back my life. To be in control again. To find that direction. To find my happiness and joy again. No more floating from day to day just... existing. I am making 2012 all about me. Which may sound selfish but I feel it's necessary to get my life back on track. I am setting goals and going to accomplish them. I am going to rediscover my potential and learn what it feels like to be proud of myself again.

Part of this new journey to happiness will include making some changes. One of which is getting rid of my Facebook. I am doing this for several reasons. First, I spend too much time on Facebook. What a waste of time when I could be doing other things that are so much more productive! Some may say, "Don't get on as often" Well I know myself well enough to know I do not have the self-discipline for that. Another reason is, I have a bad habit of comparing myself and my life to other's. Which is bad. Life is not a competition or a race. I feel like in order for me to really focus on my life and all the blessings I have, I have to stop comparing my life to other's lives who seem so much more successful than mine. Sitting at the computer wishing my life were like theirs will get me nowhere. And finally, Facebook is painful for me. While I love all my family and friends and am genuinely, truly happy for their growing families, constantly seeing pictures and reading comments about pregnancies and babies and children is just simply painful. No matter how much I try to convince myself that it doesn't bother me, it really does. I need to stop torturing myself and move one.

I am really excited about the goals/changes I have in store for 2012. I am hoping to make this a wonderfully fulfilling year getting to know the new me. I am excited to smile more. And not the fake smiles, but the real ones. I am excited to laugh more. I am excited to just feel at peace and be content again.

And just maybe through this journey I will sort through my thoughts and feelings of the prospects of trying for more children. I am still in that spot where I am unsure how I feel about having children. I hoping that through my process of getting to know the new me I will rediscover my desire to be a mother and get rid of that fear that is stopping me. I have also realized that if I am going to be a good mother I need to be in a good place, so this year is all about getting to that place :) Wish me luck!