Remembering Details Part 2: Chloe and Daniel

As soon as we knew my water broke and people started showing up, I began to retreat back into myself again. I didn’t keep my eyes closed like with Braden but I couldn’t/wouldn’t look anybody in the eyes. My sister and mom were already so upset and I couldn’t stand to see the look of grief on their faces. I couldn’t look at them, because if I did I would lose it. It’s almost like I could pretend that it wasn’t happening, or avoid the situation if I didn’t look at anyone, but if I looked at their faces it became so much more real.

I remember my doctor finally coming in and how I was both glad and embarrassed to see her. She has always had such a good and comforting demeanor, but I had a hard time looking her in the eye also. I remember wanting to apologize that we had to bother her on a Wednesday evening. I remember wanting to apologize for what she was going to have to do. I am sure no doctor likes delivering babies too early. This was not going to be a fun and exciting delivery and I wanted to tell her I was sorry I didn’t make it. I also felt bad because she had tried so hard to get me these babies and my body was failing once again. I felt like I was disappointing the whole team of people who had taken care of me over the past month. I remember her telling me we were going to deliver the babies, how we were going to cry, and how we would get through it. Then she left the room to get ready. I remember the nurses wheeling me to a delivery room. I also remember cracking jokes as they were moving me. I don’t know why. I think I felt the need to let the people with me know that I was going to be okay, that this wasn’t going to break me. I think a lot of people were worried how I was going to get through this and I didn’t want them to worry about that. I don’t even know what I said, only that I kept saying funny things, trying to make the situation lighter and less awkward for everyone.

I got into the delivery room and I remember them putting a lot of fluid into my IV, which helped flush out the magnesium faster. The effects of the magnesium wore of quicker than usual which was nice. I was so grateful when I got the nurse I did during shift change. Her name was Bethany, she was a taller blonde. She had been my nurse many times in my month in the hospital and I liked her a lot. I was so glad she was going to be my nurse during this whole ordeal. She and Justin even had a little conversation about hunting season starting as we were waiting. I remember a male coming in to give me the epidural. I remember being so nervous about it. I wanted to go pain free this time, Emily and Braden’s births were not something I wanted to repeat. I remember having to sit on the edge of the bed so he could put it in. Justin had to stand in front of me and hold me up because I was still weak and drugged up and had little control over my muscles. I remember sitting on the bed swaying from side to side like I was on a boat and Justin having to hold me still. I remember kind of chuckling to myself; I thought it was funny that I kept swaying. They laid me back down and waited a half hour or so. My doctor came back in and told me she was going to remove the stitch. She told me she anticipated that baby B (which we were thinking was a boy) would come very quickly once she removed the stitch. I remember laying there hearing the clipping of the scissors and being grateful I couldn’t feel anything but movement and pressure. I remember my doctor saying, “Sorry Jess” over and over. From the time she removed the stitch all the way through the D and C of the placentas she kept apologizing. I assured her it was okay and that I wasn’t feeling too much.

Just as she thought, Baby C was ready to come as soon as the stitch was out. Once again people around me were telling me to push harder. And once again I thought, “I don’t want to”. How do you put your whole heart into and push with everything you have when you know your baby is not ready and won’t make it? How do you push hard enough when you want to keep your baby safe inside? I remember hearing the sniffles of my mom and sister crying and hearing my doctor tell me the baby was almost out. When baby B came out I opened my eyes and saw my doctor holding my baby with a confused look on her face. She looked over to my mom and sister and said, “This is a girl baby”. We all went, “what?” It didn’t make sense. Baby B was supposed to be Braden’s identical twin; it was supposed to be a boy. It was a bitter sweet surprise. We had our baby Chloe. My nurse laid Chloe on my chest and I was able to look at her. I remember thinking she looked a lot like Braden with Justin’s nose. My doctor waited to see if the last baby was ready to come, but my contractions started to slow down. I remember her walking to the side of my bed, telling me Chloe was beautiful, hugging me, and told me she was going to give us some time and left the room.

 I remember my mom and sister coming over to see her. I remember saying, “I just don’t understand” and allowing myself to cry for the first time since my water broke. We spent the next hour and a half looking at Chloe and watching my contractions on the monitor. I remember saying a prayer, asking my Heavenly Father to have pity on me and not allow this labor to drag on for hours. I wasn’t excited to deliver my last baby, but the anticipation of what I had to do was worse than actually doing it. I just wanted to be done. Heavenly Father heard my prayer and within a short time I felt a weird sensation all through my belly and a sudden “pop” of pressure. Within just a few minutes my doctor was in the room and Daniel was out in just a couple pushes. My nurse placed him on my chest as well and I just stared at him. He looked just like Emily. It was so weird to look at this baby, knowing it was a boy and a completely new person, but being reminded so much of Emily. I remember having Justin take him while my doctor had to deliver all three placentas. It wasn’t painful but it was uncomfortable. I think I was slightly tilted on the bed because the epidural was working better on my right side than my left side. I could feel cramp-like pain on my left side as she delivered placentas and did the D and C to get everything out. It was a weird sensation.

I remember thinking how relieved I was that I wasn’t feeling much of what she was doing. I had told her after Braden was born that no matter what circumstances, I wanted an epidural when we delivered the last two babies and I didn’t want drugs in my system that made my head all foggy. I had spent Emily’s and Braden’s births totally drugged up, my head so foggy and in physical pain that I felt like I couldn’t take full advantage of the time I had with them. Now here I was, having just delivered Chloe and Daniel, not in pain, no foggy head, with more clarity than I had with the other two and to be honest it was harder. I had no other variables to distract me. All I had this time was the emotional pain. It was so much more harsh and real.

I remember the nurses taking Chloe and Daniel and them putting Pitocin in my IV to get my uterus to contract. They took out the epidural and once the Pitocin was done they took my IV out and it was so nice not to be hooked up to anything. Justin went and got us Wendy’s. I think it was close to midnight by this time. I remember my nurse coming to tell me goodbye, she was going home. She gave me a hug, told me she was so sorry, thanked us for letting her be a part of our experience, gave me a kiss on the head and left. I remember how excited I was when my new nurse told me I could take a bath. After a month on bed rest with sponge baths and an occasional shower, this was going to be great. I remember trying to walk on my wobbly legs and with Justin’s help making it to the tub. It had jets and everything. After taking the relaxing bath and taking a couple strong pain pills, I was pretty comfy back in bed. Once I was situated and laying on my right side, Justin brought Chloe and Daniel over and laid them on the bed with me by my head. They smelled so good and were so cute together. I remember feeling overwhelmingly guilty. I just laid there and said I was sorry over and over in my head. By no fault of their own, my body failed them. There was nothing I could do for them and I felt so bad. I remember not wanting to let them go, but knew I had to. Like ripping off a band aid. I finally told Justin he could take them to the nurses. I remember him picking them up, kissing each of them and took them away. I just cried as he left. I didn’t know it was possible for a body to produce so many tears.

I know it is asking a lot of people to get through these long redundant posts. I mostly did this to preserve everything I still remember as I forget little things everyday. I think it will be nice to look back at these years from now and be able to read such a fresh account of what happened.