Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Anxiety is Building!

Okay so I lied in my last post, it's been longer than I thought since I am finally writing again, but here it goes... The hubs and I decided not to go through with the cerclage at this point. Crazy? Maybe. We discussed how everything is going great and there are no signs of impending doom yet so why rush into it? Also, part of me really feels like losing Emily was due to preterm labor and not an incompetent cervix. I could be wrong, but that is what my gut is telling me. I truly feel like my cervix won't be an issue (as I'm currently knocking on wood...). I went to my doctor's appointment last Thursday totally expecting my doctor to not be happy with my decision. She was just as shocked as I was that the perinatologist even gave me an option. After going through my train of thought with her, it was decided that we would do bi-weekly ultrasounds of my cervix, just to monitor it. If it starts shortening, in goes the stitch. Then earlier this week I get a call from the perinatologists office wanting to know when to start scheduling ultrasounds of my cervix. Next to follow was several confusing phone calls between my perinatologist's office and my regular OB's office to decide how often I would be seen and whose office I would go to. The two offices decided I would be seen every week at my regular OB office. Remember, I am only about 15 weeks at this point, that is a lot of office visits and ultrasounds before the end of this pregnancy! I should be getting to know my OB office really well :)

Today I get to head to the hospital and pick up a jug to collect my pee in for the next 24 hours. Sounds wonderful right? lol Yeah I didn't think so either... And then when I return said jug, they get to stick me with a needle again and get more blood. How much blood do these people need? lol.... this wouldn't be that miserable if I didn't hate needles so much.

Our house is slowly coming together. Very slowly.... I have never felt so unmotivated in my life! My kitchen is functional, one bathroom is put together and my clothes are unpacked. What more do you need? So everything else is still sitting in boxes and it gets done little by little when the husband is home to help me.

So how am I feeling at this point in my pregnancy? Well, I am going to be completely honest. I am sick and tired. Tired of being sick and sick of being tired. That pretty much sums it up. I am still waiting for that second "feel good" trimester, but I am beginning to think the "feel good" part isn't coming...welcome to a triplet pregnancy right? I'm still sick all the time, still dry heave all night and can't sleep longer than a couple hours at a time because I have to get up and eat something. I'm almost like a baby myself :)

There have been days where I have been really discouraged. Just feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed and not wanting to do this anymore. I know I should just be enjoying this experience and be excited for these babies, but it's hard to feel that way when your head is stuck in a toilet most of the day and you can't get anything done.

I have also been feeling a lot of anxiety over what is going to happen later this pregnancy. Several times over the last few days I have thought to myself, "these babies have to come out somehow". I do not know when they will be coming or under what circumstances they will be coming. The only experience I have to fall back on is my labor and delivery with Emily and the thought of reliving that is more than I can handle. I know we will be doing a c-section this time, but that is causing just as much anxiety. I am really having to remind myself to exercise some faith that things will work out and stop spending my time worrying about the months to come. I have read so many birth stories of triplets and one thing I read over and over is how hard it was for the mother to leave the hospital without her babies and go home empty handed.... I almost chuckle to myself when I read this because I have been there, done that. That is probably the thing I am worried about the least. I have had the experience of leaving the hospital empty handed and I survived. The only difference this time, is I will be able to return to the hospital and see them often. That is something I didn't get to do with Emily. She wasn't waiting for me at the hospital to go visit her. So while it may be hard for me to leave the babies in the NICU, I think that is one hurdle I know I can handle.

One positive thought I keep coming back to, is that I am almost half way done with my pregnancy! So crazy right? I am coming up on 16 weeks and 32 weeks is my goal! I am half way there! I know I can make it :) There is an end in sight! Then the real craziness begins :) That is all for now. A big thank you to everyone who has been following this pregnancy and asking about our family's well-being :) The support has been tremendous and we are truly blessed :)