Saturday, August 25, 2012


So here it is. My final post. I promised a couple posts ago that I would finish out my journey before I ended my blog so here is my final update. I am not real sure where to start or what to say so I think I will just stick to the facts for now.

Last weekend I was sent home from the hospital and I was home a whopping 2 days before I ended up back in the hospital last Sunday. I was having some contraction-like pain and after being checked by my doctor, it was decided that I was going back on the magnesium and staying in the hospital until I had the babies. I had 2 1/2 weeks to go til my goal. I can't stress enough how much I hate hate hate  being on magnesium and anyone who has experienced it can tell you how awful it is. By Wednesday this last week I was so sick of feeling crappy, sick of the IV's, sick of being in a hospital bed, attached to all these wires and monitors and I had a break down. It was Wednesday afternoon I just started crying and just wanted to be done. The contractions were still coming no matter how much stuff they pumped in my body and the thought of sitting like that for two more weeks was more than I could handle. Justin was working that day, but I didn't care, I called him up bawling because I couldn't take it anymore and he came rushing from work and didn't leave my side. I finally calmed down from shear exhaustion and was just enjoying having him with me.

It was about 5pm and I was feeling another contraction coming on and felt something leaking. I called for my nurse to come help me get cleaned up, thinking I was just bleeding more. The nurse came in and informed us that she thought one of my waters had broke and she was going to call my doctor to come confirm. The next hour or so was spent with me laying perfectly still, trying not to get too worked up, holding Justin's hand and us just sitting in silence. I think we were too afraid to speak and neither of us knew what to say. We both knew what was coming and what was about to happen and there wasn't much we could do about it. I gathered all the strength and peace I could muster so I wouldn't start crying and freaking out. I wanted to wait to hear from my doctor of what the game plan was.

The next hours passed in a blur. My doctor came and informed us that it was indeed amniotic fluid and we would have to remove the stitch and deliver the two babies that night. They got my epidural in and as soon as my doctor removed the stitch, Baby B was born. The last couple weeks we had thought baby B was a boy so we were quite surprised when it was a girl that came out. We named her Chloe Elizabeth. My doctor wasn't sure how long it would take Baby C to come so she left the room and gave us some time to spend with Chloe. She was beautiful and looked a lot like her brother Braden that was born two weeks prior. I cried a little but in all reality was too exhausted and drugged up and wanted to hurry up and finish delivering Baby C. It only took about an hour and half before Baby C was ready to come. I know that sounds like awhile but it went by quickly. Baby C came easily and it was a boy. We named him Daniel James. He looked so much like his sister Emily who was born last year. It was almost like I was looking at the same baby.

They took the babies to get washed up and finger printed while my doctor delivered all three placentas and had to do a D&C to remove parts of placenta that hadn't come out. Boy was that so much fun...

All I can say is that at the time I was glad it was over. I just wanted to go home and curl up in a ball but they had to keep me over night. I remember finally being unhooked from all the tubes and monitors, Justin bringing me food and being able to take an amazing hot bath with jets that was so relaxing. Once I was back in my room in bed they brought Daniel and Chloe to us and we just spent time holding them and talking about them and crying. I thought holding Emily and letting her go was hard, and it was. But I can't even describe how it felt to lay there holding my two precious babies, knowing I had to let them go soon.

I felt so absolutely miserable and guilty. I kept looking at them feeling like I had let them down. That I had failed them. I am sure they wanted to be here so badly and I just couldn't make it two more weeks. They were born at exactly 22 weeks. 2 weeks from our goal. We were so close and had tried so hard but still came up short.

We were able to go home the following morning and the days since then has been spent sleeping and trying to recover physically. After being the hospital a month and having all kinds of drugs still in my system and all the pain that comes after delivery, my body has had a hard time getting its strength back. I still haven't talked to anyone, nor do I feel ready. I have no idea what to say to people. I don't have much to say honestly except that it sucks and I am sad, and scared of what my future holds now. I don't know where to go from here.

I haven't really dealt with the emotional grief yet, I keep putting it off until I feel better physically. We have the service planned for this coming Wednesday and I know there are hard times ahead and I will have to face it eventually, but for now I am choosing to ignore it until I am ready.

Grieving this time around will be so much more different than it was when Emily passed. After Emily there was still hope of children in our future and there was so much to say and ways to make myself feel better. I have no idea how to make myself feel better this time, the grief seems so much more magnified. Not only am I grieving three of my precious children, but I am also grieving the possibility of children for us. At least in the foreseeable future. It all seems so much more final this time around and I don't know how to handle that.

So there it is. The end of our journey. There will be lots of emotions and things to work through in the coming months and I could blog about it if I wanted, but I truly feel like now is the time to say goodbye and work through this in my own time. A big thank you to all of you who have followed our story and said prayers on our behalf. I don't know how to say thank you enough.

I know there are wonderful things in store for Justin's and my future and we will work through this and come out of it okay. Thanks for sharing in a small part of our life together.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Heading Home Tomorrow! and other random updates

Yes, you read that right, I get to go home tomorrow :) No more hospital prison for me!! I don't really have any more freedom, but instead of being trapped in a hospital bed I get to be trapped on my own bed/couch. I had no idea this was even an option for me until a few days ago and since then time has been DRAGGING!!! Justin and I are both nervous about me being at home now instead of under constant watch of the nurses, but there are many benefits as well. I have 1 appointment with my OB every week and 1 appointment every week with the perinatologist. So between two appointments a week and remaining on my contraction medication I think things should be okay. I am currently 21 weeks and still have several weeks before that "being able to breathe easier/viability" time.

Now for the other update. I had my 20-ish week anatomic ultrasound this morning and boy was it a crazy roller coaster I don't think I was ready to handle. I was excited to see the 2 remaining babies, mostly because I needed that renewed love, excitement, and determination to finish out this pregnancy. Since Braden was born I have had weird emotions concerning the remaining two babies. I have felt emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. I have not been convinced that I want to keep fighting for these two. I just wanted to be done. I instantly fell in love with Braden when he was born but I have yet to feel that love and dedication to the two that are still in there. I delivered a baby and I wanted to be done. I was really hoping that by seeing these two on the ultrasound and seeing them move around, it would get me excited about this pregnancy again and help me to get through the next several weeks.

During the ultrasound they discovered that Baby B's placenta is weird and small and the baby has really low amniotic fluid. Baby C is doing fine and its placenta and fluid is normal. There aren't any plans or ideas of what is going to happen at this point. The perinatologist just wants to do an ultrasound every week to see how Baby B develops and what is happening with its fluid. As if I didn't have enough to stress and worry over when I go home! I still have a month to go, worried about preterm labor and this stitch, and now every week I will be stressing over what they will find with Baby B and the placenta/fluid situation.

I was feeling more confident about the outcome until the ultrasound this morning. Now I am back to having no idea what will happen or how all this will play out. It's hard to get excited about this remaining pregnancy when I am not convinced I get to keep them. Gah! Somebody please reprogram my brain and allow me to only think positive, happy thoughts! So that's all the updates for now, it might be awhile before I update again.... we will see!

Sunday, August 12, 2012

1 Gone, 2 To go

I am feeling a little more human and my head is beginning to clear a little from the events of the last week and I thought now would be a good time to update everyone.

Last I posted I was pregnant with triplets still, with Baby A's sack ruptured. A week ago tonight I went into labor and delivered Baby A (which was a boy and we named Braden Andrew). It was about 2 am when I had woken up in some discomfort and having to use the bathroom. As the next half hour progressed it got increasingly worse. I informed my nurse, and the next two hours were spent trying to get me to use the bathroom while I was having painful "contractions". It seemed every part of me was contracting and hurting except my uterus. That is why it took a couple hours before it was agreed that it might be labor. It was about 4 am when I attempted to use the bathroom and knew he was coming. My doctors were called and I labored for about two more hours. I delivered on the operating table with the perinatologist ready to put the cerclage in after Braden was born (if my body cooperated and didn't try to deliver the other two babies). The labor and delivery was painful but went fairly quickly. He was born about ten minutes after 6 am Monday morning. They told me it was a boy and let me get a quick glimpse of him before they put me under. Thankfully the doctor was able to put the stitch in without any major problems and the other two babies stayed safely inside. Several days following the delivery/cerclage I was pumped full of magnesium and kept in a slightly comatose state. Friday morning they took me off the magnesium and it has taken the last couple days for it to get out of my system and for me to be a bit more functional. Currently I am still pregnant with two babies, the cerclage hasn't given us any problems and I am about 3 weeks from viability.

Braden's birth was recorded as a live birth and we will be getting a birth certificate for him. Emily was further along in gestation but was stillborn. I was told Braden was still alive when he was born and moved a little bit while Justin was holding him. His burial was yesterday morning and I heard it was sweet but brief which is what we were wanting. He is buried on the same plot as his sister.

The last couple days as I have been "waking up" a bit I have been thinking a lot. I have decided that it is time for us to stop trying for children. At least through infertility treatments and procedures like we have been doing. Part of me wants to no longer be pregnant, go home and move on with the next chapter of my life, whatever that may be. I have to continuously remind myself that I am still pregnant with two babies and at the end of all of this I could still walk away with two living children. It is not a guarantee but it is a possibility. I have to really try to keep fighting and prepare myself for whatever is to come with these two babies.

Regardless of the outcome of all of this, we are done pursuing children. At least in the natural sense. I know there is always adoption and other avenues, but I am not even going to consider those options for a long time. The last couple years have been too trying and too focused on getting us a baby. It is time for a break physically and emotionally. I am done going through fertility treatments to purposefully get us pregnant knowing that my body probably won't cooperate long enough to have a viable baby. I think it's time to move on. This isn't to say that I won't get to raise these two babies or that other children won't enter our life at some point. I am only 23 and have many "mothering" years ahead of me.

As a result of being done with the fertility and baby attempts,  I have also decided to retire my blog. I had started this blog to process the loss of Emily and have an outlet as we continued to try for children. Deciding to move on with the next phase of my life includes letting this blog go. I will continue posting through the remainder of this pregnancy, I think it is only fair that I follow through with this experience and continue to update til the end. Once this pregnancy is over, whenever that may be, I will be done posting.

I am looking forward to whatever the following years hold for us, and I know that no matter what happens, I still have 4 beautiful children. We aren't childless, just waiting to be a family :) Thanks for reading and following us through this process.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Musings From my Hospital Room

Well it has been awhile since I have updated my blog. Now that I have a few moments by myself and a computer, I want to update everyone on the events of the last week and sort through some things that have been running through my mind the last few days.

So for a quick update. Last Tuesday, July 24 I went to my weekly ultrasound appointment to look at my cervix. I felt great that morning and assumed all was well since the previous week's ultrasound showed things looking great. A nurse did the ultrasound and I immediately saw that the screen looked differently. She left the room to go get the doctor and when my doctor saw the screen she informed me that I was heading to the hospital right then to go get my cervix stitched. The ultrasound was showing I was dilated to a 1. I was not at all concerned at this point. We had caught it early and I always knew a cerclage was a possibility.

Over the next several hours I got admitted into the hospital, told I would be there indefinitely, and pumped full of magnesium to calm my "irritated uterus" so the perinatologist could do the cerclage later that evening. He came to  talk to us before I was taken back and told us there was a 50/50 chance baby A's water sack could rupture during the procedure, but at this point there wasn't really an option, we were going to do it. My uterus didn't calm down and I was placed under general anesthesia instead of an epidural so my muscles would relax more. They told me later when I woke up that baby A's water sack had ruptured before the perinatologist could get the stitch in, so no stitch was placed. This was around 8 pm. My husband and I picked up little pieces of information and spent that first night under the impression that my body would go into labor soon, I would deliver baby A and we might have a chance of saving B and C. What a confusing night that was. I wasn't feeling much grief over A yet and still tried to focus on saving the other two.

The next morning my doctors came to visit and filled us in on some information that we had been missing. They told us baby A was still alive and doing fine and could continue to grow and thrive because B and C's water sacks were still providing the cushion it needed. Who knew! So crazy right? There was still a chance my body could go into labor over the next few days so they kept me on the mag and once they were convinced my body was stable and I wasn't going into labor, they moved me to a more comfortable room. So I have been here 8 days and so far everything is looking good! Over the past week I have gone from staying horizontal around the clock, a permanent catheter, IV medications, and sponge baths to being able to walk to the bathroom, take a real shower by myself, prop myself up to eat, no more IV fluids and I get to wear my own comfy clothes instead of the hospital gown! I am currently 80% effaced and dilated somewhere close to a 1. I was at a 2 but once baby A's water sack ruptured it took the pressure off and the cervix relaxed back thank goodness!

So I am currently 19 weeks, the docs want me to make it at LEAST another 5 weeks to viability. I am taking medications to keep from contracting and so far they are doing their job! We just have to keep me out of labor and all three babies could make it!

I've spent the majority of the last week staring at the monitor that is tracking my uterus activity and contractions. I feel any kind of cramp or tightening and my eyes are on the screen checking to see if it was a real contraction. But for the most part I am feeling pretty confident in my situation, no matter the outcome.

My prayers over the past week have not been for the babies but for my sanity. Is that insensitive? I don't know, but here is why. I have known from the very beginning that this pregnancy was risky. I also know that Heavenly Father knows and has a plan for these babies. I think he already knows whether he is going to let them stay or whether they are going to go be with their sister for the time being. I also know that these babies are mine, whether I get them in this life or whether I get them the same time as Emily is irrelevant. These babies are loved and being cared for and no matter what the outcome, I know they will be fine.

 I have more doubts about myself. Looking back I feel like I have processed, dealt with, and come to terms with the loss of Emily fairly well. I feel like I am in a good place as far as she is concerned. However, I am not real sure I can handle that again. I don't know if I can mentally handle burying three more babies. I worry that if I lose these babies I will snap. I not only will lose the babies, but I will lose my sanity, my faith, and my desire to have any more children. If I lose these babies I am not sure I will want to go through all the fertility, the risks and the loss all over again. I am coming up on my 24th birthday and I feel like that is too young to decide that I don't want to try for kids anymore, but I just don't know if I can handle it. So mostly I worry about being able to handle whatever is going to come our way over the next couple months. I feel like I should be preparing myself but how do you prepare for something like that? The only tearful break downs I have had since being in the hospital is when my mind plays out the birth and funeral of the three babies. Instead of seeing Emily's 1 casket I see three and I just can't handle it.

Sorry for the depressing thoughts. To be honest I really have been trying to stay positive. I really am very pleased with how far I have gotten and how well my body is cooperating. I truly feel like if it continues to behave we can make it to the end and that is what I focus on. I celebrate all the little bits of good news, even if it's just being able to walk to the bathroom! It is too early to feel down!

I am not sure when I will post again, hopefully not for awhile because that means nothing is happening!! Just know I will be laying in my hospital bed trying to be the best incubator I can for the little ones! Thanks for reading!!