Friday, December 23, 2011

It's December...

Well, it's December. And has been for 23 days. For those of you who have read my earlier posts may remember that this is the month Justin and I had originally decided to go to the doctor and go back on Clomid. As it was coming up on December I kept waiting for that excitement to hit me, but it has yet to come.
I have already decided which doctor I want to see but I haven't decided when I will call. I don't want to go see the doctor simply because it is December if I am not feeling excited about it. I want to feel excited about having kids like I was last time when I went on the Clomid.
Now when I think about getting pregnant and having a baby all I feel is anxiety and feeling unsure. After we lost Emily I thought a lot about whether we were/are really ready to have children. While I had been pregnant I didn't have any doubts, but after she was born I wasn't so sure. I don't know why my feelings have changed. If you had asked me back in June or July I would have gone to see a doctor in a heartbeat because I felt more than ready to do the pregnancy thing again, but Justin and I had agreed that we should give it more time. Now that that time has passed, I am no longer feeling that excitement that would normally accompany an anticipated pregnancy.
I guess I am just waiting to feel the excitement and desire to be a mom again before I make my move and call the doctor's office. I have no idea how long that will take, could be next month, could be a few months...Anyone have any tips or suggestions to get back into that baby having mood?? Thanks for reading!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Holidays Reconsidered

Well it is getting closer to Christmas and I have changed my outlook and attitude about this holiday season since my last post. After a bit of self pity I realized that this holiday season was going to happen whether I liked it or not and it would be much more pleasant if I didn't spend my time fighting against it.

I had a good talk with a former boss/friend of mine and realized there is a lot I could be doing this holiday season to bring joy and fulfillment even though we are without our Emily. I wanted to make this Christmas mean something. I wanted it to be a Christmas where I spent my time helping and blessing others instead of dwelling on how sad I was. So Justin and I decided to do the 12 days of Christmas for a few families in our church who have had a hard year. (Pretty sure they won't be reading this hopefully I didn't give away the surprise!) I know it's not much but I have really enjoyed getting the little gifts together and wrapping them all the while thinking about how happy we will make these families (hopefully!). It has really made the last couple weeks feel more festive and it had nothing to do with all the commercialism of Christmas, which I come to dislike more and more each year. Justin and I even put up our Christmas tree and hung our stockings :) I spontaneously decided the other day that Emily needed a stocking as well so I made her one. Turned out pretty cute I think :)

I have also decided to steal my former boss/friend's tradition and I am going to buy an angel tree ornament to put on the tree every year in honor of Emily. How wonderful it will be to see the angels multiply as the years go by. My mother started off the tradition by getting the first angel and giving it to me for my birthday.

Speaking of birthdays, my birthday is this week. I will be 23. I know for most of you reading this, you are thinking 23 is still young. Well to be honest, I feel old. When I think about how I will be 23, it doesn't seem correct. I feel like I should be turning 30. For that is how old I feel. This last semester being in school and associating with individuals my age made me realize how old I really feel. I would listen to their conversations and things they have going in their lives and I realize that I do not have much in common with them. The only thing we have in common is our age. I guess I need to be grateful that I am not yet 30 and I still have many years ahead of me. For now I am okay being the "old" 23. :) Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas!