I am sure almost everyone around me has heard me express how excited I am to say goodbye to 2011 and HELLO!!! to 2012.
I am so excited that today is the 1st and no more waiting around for it to get here. Something wonderfully strange has happened to my outlook and attitude as I have welcomed this new year. The majority of 2011 was a blur and many months spent healing and trying to create my new normal. Since April I have been stuck in a place of not really being depressed but feeling like I will never be completely Happy again. I have tried and tried to feel like the old me but I almost feel as though that girl no longer exists.
So who am I? 2012 is my year to find out. To re-evaluate who I am and what I want. To create new goals and get to know myself all over again.
Some things I plan to accomplish this year include road biking, learning to play the piano, do a bit of travelling and spend as much time as I can cherishing my loved ones. I am getting sick of just thinking and talking about doing these things. It is time for action! I feel as though 2011 was a wasted year for me. So many months spent feeling lost with no real direction.
2012 is my year to take back my life. To be in control again. To find that direction. To find my happiness and joy again. No more floating from day to day just... existing. I am making 2012 all about me. Which may sound selfish but I feel it's necessary to get my life back on track. I am setting goals and going to accomplish them. I am going to rediscover my potential and learn what it feels like to be proud of myself again.
Part of this new journey to happiness will include making some changes. One of which is getting rid of my Facebook. I am doing this for several reasons. First, I spend too much time on Facebook. What a waste of time when I could be doing other things that are so much more productive! Some may say, "Don't get on as often" Well I know myself well enough to know I do not have the self-discipline for that. Another reason is, I have a bad habit of comparing myself and my life to other's. Which is bad. Life is not a competition or a race. I feel like in order for me to really focus on my life and all the blessings I have, I have to stop comparing my life to other's lives who seem so much more successful than mine. Sitting at the computer wishing my life were like theirs will get me nowhere. And finally, Facebook is painful for me. While I love all my family and friends and am genuinely, truly happy for their growing families, constantly seeing pictures and reading comments about pregnancies and babies and children is just simply painful. No matter how much I try to convince myself that it doesn't bother me, it really does. I need to stop torturing myself and move one.
I am really excited about the goals/changes I have in store for 2012. I am hoping to make this a wonderfully fulfilling year getting to know the new me. I am excited to smile more. And not the fake smiles, but the real ones. I am excited to laugh more. I am excited to just feel at peace and be content again.
And just maybe through this journey I will sort through my thoughts and feelings of the prospects of trying for more children. I am still in that spot where I am unsure how I feel about having children. I hoping that through my process of getting to know the new me I will rediscover my desire to be a mother and get rid of that fear that is stopping me. I have also realized that if I am going to be a good mother I need to be in a good place, so this year is all about getting to that place :) Wish me luck!
Us
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Friday, December 23, 2011
It's December...
Well, it's December. And has been for 23 days. For those of you who have read my earlier posts may remember that this is the month Justin and I had originally decided to go to the doctor and go back on Clomid. As it was coming up on December I kept waiting for that excitement to hit me, but it has yet to come.
I have already decided which doctor I want to see but I haven't decided when I will call. I don't want to go see the doctor simply because it is December if I am not feeling excited about it. I want to feel excited about having kids like I was last time when I went on the Clomid.
Now when I think about getting pregnant and having a baby all I feel is anxiety and feeling unsure. After we lost Emily I thought a lot about whether we were/are really ready to have children. While I had been pregnant I didn't have any doubts, but after she was born I wasn't so sure. I don't know why my feelings have changed. If you had asked me back in June or July I would have gone to see a doctor in a heartbeat because I felt more than ready to do the pregnancy thing again, but Justin and I had agreed that we should give it more time. Now that that time has passed, I am no longer feeling that excitement that would normally accompany an anticipated pregnancy.
I guess I am just waiting to feel the excitement and desire to be a mom again before I make my move and call the doctor's office. I have no idea how long that will take, could be next month, could be a few months...Anyone have any tips or suggestions to get back into that baby having mood?? Thanks for reading!
I have already decided which doctor I want to see but I haven't decided when I will call. I don't want to go see the doctor simply because it is December if I am not feeling excited about it. I want to feel excited about having kids like I was last time when I went on the Clomid.
Now when I think about getting pregnant and having a baby all I feel is anxiety and feeling unsure. After we lost Emily I thought a lot about whether we were/are really ready to have children. While I had been pregnant I didn't have any doubts, but after she was born I wasn't so sure. I don't know why my feelings have changed. If you had asked me back in June or July I would have gone to see a doctor in a heartbeat because I felt more than ready to do the pregnancy thing again, but Justin and I had agreed that we should give it more time. Now that that time has passed, I am no longer feeling that excitement that would normally accompany an anticipated pregnancy.
I guess I am just waiting to feel the excitement and desire to be a mom again before I make my move and call the doctor's office. I have no idea how long that will take, could be next month, could be a few months...Anyone have any tips or suggestions to get back into that baby having mood?? Thanks for reading!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
When I had gotten pregnant, I spent most of my first trimester worried something was going to happen. That there would be complications. I knew the miscarriage rate for PCOS women was higher than most women and I was just waiting for something to go wrong. Once the blood work came back and my appointments showed everything as it should be through my first trimester, I started to relax and let myself get excited.
Monday evening, April 18th, 2011, I experienced some really light bleeding (sorry for the details). I had heard some women experience this, but this was something that hadn't happened to me. I was a little worried so I called my sister. I told her it was really light, barely there, and she said to keep a close eye on it. I am in no means blaming her for not screaming at me to go to the emergency room :) I was experiencing no other symptoms and felt fine. Plus my husband was at work, he works 24-hour shifts and would not be getting off until 7 am the following morning and did not want to make the half hour trip to the emergency room by myself late at night if I felt fine. So I went to bed.
Tuesday morning I woke up in pain. The lower pelvic pressure (any woman who has been in labor knows what I am talking about) and a significant amount of bleeding. I called my doctor's office and told them what I was experiencing, they then told me they had to have another nurse call me back. It was 45 minutes before I received a call, in which time I spent pacing my house and texting my boss. (In hindsight I should have gone straight to the hospital, but we'll get to the guilt later...) The doctor finally called me back and told me to come in for an exam. Thank goodness my husband had gotten off work and was able to drive me. The exam was pretty quick. He immediately told me he saw membranes (at the time I didn't know what that meant, this was my first pregnancy) and was sending me over to the birthing floor of the hospital and that they would be expecting me. At this point I still had no idea what was wrong or what the situation was, had no idea I would be delivering my baby that day. On the way to the hospital I sent a quick text to my sister and best friend to update them. Mostly to keep myself occupied to keep from freaking out.
Before this experience, I had never been to the hospital before. I'm a fairly healthy person and have never had any emergencies that needed medical care. I'm also terrified of needles. This labor experience was quite the doozie for my first stay in a hospital. They had me change, took my vitals, put in an IV (which they had to do twice) did a catheter, all before they explained what was happening. They finally did an ultrasound and it all made sense. It was like a light bulb came on. I was in labor. My water had not broke yet, but I was dialated and starting contractions. They brought a specialist in to see if they could do an emergency cerclage, but once he saw the ultrasound image, he just shook his head and said, "nope, sorry". I was dialated to a 5.
At this point the delivery doctor came in and we talked about what would happen next. I was 23 weeks and 2 days along. He informed me if my baby were to have a fighting chance, I needed to make it to at least 25 weeks. Which meant keeping my water from breaking for 2 weeks, while dialated to a 5. My chances were slim. Deep down I knew I was going to lose her. Part of me felt like, What's the point? Let's just deliver her now and get it over with. But we were ready to do everything possible and fight for her to have a chance. So they pumped me full of magnesium to relax my muscles, trying to get me contractions to stop. They also tipped me back so all the pressure was off my pelvis. The magnesium made me sick, so I threw up twice, and made me feel light headed. It also makes your pupils wig out so I couldn't focus on anything or anyone in the room. By this time, my mother, sister, husband, and grandmother were in the room. I guess we were all just waiting to see what happened next...
During the ultrasound we discovered Emily was breech. The doctor informed us the chances of a 23 week old baby surviving a breech birth was 1 in 100. He gave us the option of a C-section, but her chances of survival were not any better, so we nixed that idea. Over the next few hours my contractions kept getting worse, the magnesium was not helping. I had not asked for any pain meds yet, since all our focus was on trying to stop the labor. It hurt. I was definitely not planning on having an all natural birth.
Around 2 pm my contractions were too frequent and intense that my water broke. It was time to deliver. My sweet husband was by my side the whole time. They offered me a mirror, which I thought was strange given the circumstances. I declined. My husband was crying during delivery, I felt no emotion, only physical pain. They had brought in the NICU team just as a precaution, but once she was born, the doctor quietly told them they could leave. They would not be needed.
Emily was born at 2:29 pm. She weight 1 lb. 3.4 oz and was 12 inches long. She was perfect. They let us hold her for awhile, then Justin went with them to help clean her up. They brought her back smelling like a new baby, wrapped in a light purple blanket and a beenie on her head. The beenie completely swallowed her head. It was surreal. To be honest I wasn't feeling much. I was physically exhausted, still in shock, and still drugged up so I was a little out of it. They asked us if we wanted pictures and we said sure. I'll tell you more about that another time. We had to pick a funeral home before we were allowed to leave the hospital. Thank goodness for my mother and sister who took care of all that for me.
After 4 hours of holding Emily and making sure I was physically fit to go home, they released us. Being wheeled out of that delivery room, not being able to take Emily with me was the hardest thing I have ever done, and something I will never forget. I felt so empty. I felt numb. I kept my head down as I was wheeled through the hospital so I didn't have to look at anybody. I felt like I had a big sign on my forehead that read "lost my baby" and I felt....ashamed. As we were driving away from the hospital, Justin and I looked at each other and said, "this isn't supposed to happen, we are not supposed to leave this hospital without our baby". I cried yes, I felt sad, but the full force of what happened didn't really hit me til weeks later.
So that is the story of Emily's birth. I could go on and on about feelings and emotions and experiences, but that will come later... Thanks for reading.
Monday evening, April 18th, 2011, I experienced some really light bleeding (sorry for the details). I had heard some women experience this, but this was something that hadn't happened to me. I was a little worried so I called my sister. I told her it was really light, barely there, and she said to keep a close eye on it. I am in no means blaming her for not screaming at me to go to the emergency room :) I was experiencing no other symptoms and felt fine. Plus my husband was at work, he works 24-hour shifts and would not be getting off until 7 am the following morning and did not want to make the half hour trip to the emergency room by myself late at night if I felt fine. So I went to bed.
Tuesday morning I woke up in pain. The lower pelvic pressure (any woman who has been in labor knows what I am talking about) and a significant amount of bleeding. I called my doctor's office and told them what I was experiencing, they then told me they had to have another nurse call me back. It was 45 minutes before I received a call, in which time I spent pacing my house and texting my boss. (In hindsight I should have gone straight to the hospital, but we'll get to the guilt later...) The doctor finally called me back and told me to come in for an exam. Thank goodness my husband had gotten off work and was able to drive me. The exam was pretty quick. He immediately told me he saw membranes (at the time I didn't know what that meant, this was my first pregnancy) and was sending me over to the birthing floor of the hospital and that they would be expecting me. At this point I still had no idea what was wrong or what the situation was, had no idea I would be delivering my baby that day. On the way to the hospital I sent a quick text to my sister and best friend to update them. Mostly to keep myself occupied to keep from freaking out.
Before this experience, I had never been to the hospital before. I'm a fairly healthy person and have never had any emergencies that needed medical care. I'm also terrified of needles. This labor experience was quite the doozie for my first stay in a hospital. They had me change, took my vitals, put in an IV (which they had to do twice) did a catheter, all before they explained what was happening. They finally did an ultrasound and it all made sense. It was like a light bulb came on. I was in labor. My water had not broke yet, but I was dialated and starting contractions. They brought a specialist in to see if they could do an emergency cerclage, but once he saw the ultrasound image, he just shook his head and said, "nope, sorry". I was dialated to a 5.
At this point the delivery doctor came in and we talked about what would happen next. I was 23 weeks and 2 days along. He informed me if my baby were to have a fighting chance, I needed to make it to at least 25 weeks. Which meant keeping my water from breaking for 2 weeks, while dialated to a 5. My chances were slim. Deep down I knew I was going to lose her. Part of me felt like, What's the point? Let's just deliver her now and get it over with. But we were ready to do everything possible and fight for her to have a chance. So they pumped me full of magnesium to relax my muscles, trying to get me contractions to stop. They also tipped me back so all the pressure was off my pelvis. The magnesium made me sick, so I threw up twice, and made me feel light headed. It also makes your pupils wig out so I couldn't focus on anything or anyone in the room. By this time, my mother, sister, husband, and grandmother were in the room. I guess we were all just waiting to see what happened next...
During the ultrasound we discovered Emily was breech. The doctor informed us the chances of a 23 week old baby surviving a breech birth was 1 in 100. He gave us the option of a C-section, but her chances of survival were not any better, so we nixed that idea. Over the next few hours my contractions kept getting worse, the magnesium was not helping. I had not asked for any pain meds yet, since all our focus was on trying to stop the labor. It hurt. I was definitely not planning on having an all natural birth.
Around 2 pm my contractions were too frequent and intense that my water broke. It was time to deliver. My sweet husband was by my side the whole time. They offered me a mirror, which I thought was strange given the circumstances. I declined. My husband was crying during delivery, I felt no emotion, only physical pain. They had brought in the NICU team just as a precaution, but once she was born, the doctor quietly told them they could leave. They would not be needed.
Emily was born at 2:29 pm. She weight 1 lb. 3.4 oz and was 12 inches long. She was perfect. They let us hold her for awhile, then Justin went with them to help clean her up. They brought her back smelling like a new baby, wrapped in a light purple blanket and a beenie on her head. The beenie completely swallowed her head. It was surreal. To be honest I wasn't feeling much. I was physically exhausted, still in shock, and still drugged up so I was a little out of it. They asked us if we wanted pictures and we said sure. I'll tell you more about that another time. We had to pick a funeral home before we were allowed to leave the hospital. Thank goodness for my mother and sister who took care of all that for me.
After 4 hours of holding Emily and making sure I was physically fit to go home, they released us. Being wheeled out of that delivery room, not being able to take Emily with me was the hardest thing I have ever done, and something I will never forget. I felt so empty. I felt numb. I kept my head down as I was wheeled through the hospital so I didn't have to look at anybody. I felt like I had a big sign on my forehead that read "lost my baby" and I felt....ashamed. As we were driving away from the hospital, Justin and I looked at each other and said, "this isn't supposed to happen, we are not supposed to leave this hospital without our baby". I cried yes, I felt sad, but the full force of what happened didn't really hit me til weeks later.
So that is the story of Emily's birth. I could go on and on about feelings and emotions and experiences, but that will come later... Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I caved...
Well here it is! I have started a blog :) I've had several people tell me I should start a blog and after some persuasion, I caved. I am hoping this blog will provide some help, tips and insight to others who need it. The past year has been... a rollercoaster to say the least.
My blog will focus primarily on my husband and my journey to become parents. I am one of those people who won't tell everyone everything and tend to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I've heard that can be unhealthy so hopefully this will be therapeutic in working through my thoughts and feelings. I am not real sure who will end up reading this, but whoever you are, I hope you can get something, anything, from reading this :)
So a little about myself. My name is Jessica. I am 22 years old, soon to be 23, and live in Missouri. I have been married to a wonderful man named Justin for a little over 3 years. He is doing what he loves, working as a firefigher/emt. We have two black labs, named Molly and Nicki, who are both about a year and a half old. I am currently a full-time student, studying accounting, hoping to finish within the next couple years.
Two years and two and a half months ago, my husband and I decided it was time to start trying for children. We both come large families and have always wanted a large family ourselves. I was so excited and nervous, but so ready! When teachers would ask us in school what we wanted to be when we grew up, I would say "A mom!" I have never been really career driven, I have always felt like my mission and calling in life would be to raise children. So there I was, excited to start this journey! 16 months went by with no luck. Not going to lie, I was pretty discouraged. My husband and I were both in school, working part-time jobs, no health insurance or extra money to spend on going to a doctor. I was only 21, which most people would think that is too young to think about having kids, but not me, I felt like my clock was ticking!
Fall of 2010 my husband was working temporarily for a copper mine out west and was making good money. Still no health insurance, but finally a few extra pennies. I could finally go to the doctor!! Come to find out, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I needed help getting pregnant. So the doctor gave me Clomid. I was pretty skeptical and convinced it wasn't going to work right away. But to our suprise, and excitement, it worked that first month! We were pregnant!! My husband had just been hired on with the Fire Department, with good benefits, everything was falling into place. We couldn't be happier!
My due date was set for August 14, 2011. That first trimester was, horrendous, to say the least. I had morning sickness non-stop. So bad I couldn't even hold down water, at least for a few days. I had to ask my husband and remind myself why I wanted to get pregnant in the first place :) All I could think was, "this child better be worth it!" 3 1/2 months later, it eased up and I was feeling wonderful. I couldn't WAIT to start showing. I had waited long enough for this and I was ready to show it off! I know my wait wasn't nearly as long as other women's, but to me, it felt like an eternity. Watching other women around me get pregnant was very hard. I kept thinking, when will it be my turn? So there I was. Pregnant. And ready to shout it from the rooftops!
April 6, 2011 was the big day of our ultrasound where we would find out the gender. My husband, like most men, was hoping for a boy. Not that he wouldn't love a girl, but you know how men are... I was hoping for a girl.. Everyone around me was convinced it was a boy, so that's what I had in my head as we headed to the doctor's office. The ultrasound was longer than I thought it would be and I was getting so impatient. For awhile, the ultrasound tech wasn't getting the image she wanted and I was worried she wouldn't be able to tell us the gender. Then, very abruptly, she said, "You have a shy little girl". I froze. A girl? Really? I'm having a girl? I had to try real hard to keep my tears and emotions in check. I've always felt so silly crying in front of people.. I can't even describe how excited I was that I was having a girl. She was going to be perfect. She would be beautiful, and smart, and I would braid and curl her hair and teach her everything I knew about the girl world. And her name would be Emily LaNae Jensen.
I was on cloud 9 for the next 13 days, until April 19, 2011. I'll cover that next time. Thanks for reading :)
My blog will focus primarily on my husband and my journey to become parents. I am one of those people who won't tell everyone everything and tend to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I've heard that can be unhealthy so hopefully this will be therapeutic in working through my thoughts and feelings. I am not real sure who will end up reading this, but whoever you are, I hope you can get something, anything, from reading this :)
So a little about myself. My name is Jessica. I am 22 years old, soon to be 23, and live in Missouri. I have been married to a wonderful man named Justin for a little over 3 years. He is doing what he loves, working as a firefigher/emt. We have two black labs, named Molly and Nicki, who are both about a year and a half old. I am currently a full-time student, studying accounting, hoping to finish within the next couple years.
Two years and two and a half months ago, my husband and I decided it was time to start trying for children. We both come large families and have always wanted a large family ourselves. I was so excited and nervous, but so ready! When teachers would ask us in school what we wanted to be when we grew up, I would say "A mom!" I have never been really career driven, I have always felt like my mission and calling in life would be to raise children. So there I was, excited to start this journey! 16 months went by with no luck. Not going to lie, I was pretty discouraged. My husband and I were both in school, working part-time jobs, no health insurance or extra money to spend on going to a doctor. I was only 21, which most people would think that is too young to think about having kids, but not me, I felt like my clock was ticking!
Fall of 2010 my husband was working temporarily for a copper mine out west and was making good money. Still no health insurance, but finally a few extra pennies. I could finally go to the doctor!! Come to find out, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I needed help getting pregnant. So the doctor gave me Clomid. I was pretty skeptical and convinced it wasn't going to work right away. But to our suprise, and excitement, it worked that first month! We were pregnant!! My husband had just been hired on with the Fire Department, with good benefits, everything was falling into place. We couldn't be happier!
My due date was set for August 14, 2011. That first trimester was, horrendous, to say the least. I had morning sickness non-stop. So bad I couldn't even hold down water, at least for a few days. I had to ask my husband and remind myself why I wanted to get pregnant in the first place :) All I could think was, "this child better be worth it!" 3 1/2 months later, it eased up and I was feeling wonderful. I couldn't WAIT to start showing. I had waited long enough for this and I was ready to show it off! I know my wait wasn't nearly as long as other women's, but to me, it felt like an eternity. Watching other women around me get pregnant was very hard. I kept thinking, when will it be my turn? So there I was. Pregnant. And ready to shout it from the rooftops!
April 6, 2011 was the big day of our ultrasound where we would find out the gender. My husband, like most men, was hoping for a boy. Not that he wouldn't love a girl, but you know how men are... I was hoping for a girl.. Everyone around me was convinced it was a boy, so that's what I had in my head as we headed to the doctor's office. The ultrasound was longer than I thought it would be and I was getting so impatient. For awhile, the ultrasound tech wasn't getting the image she wanted and I was worried she wouldn't be able to tell us the gender. Then, very abruptly, she said, "You have a shy little girl". I froze. A girl? Really? I'm having a girl? I had to try real hard to keep my tears and emotions in check. I've always felt so silly crying in front of people.. I can't even describe how excited I was that I was having a girl. She was going to be perfect. She would be beautiful, and smart, and I would braid and curl her hair and teach her everything I knew about the girl world. And her name would be Emily LaNae Jensen.
I was on cloud 9 for the next 13 days, until April 19, 2011. I'll cover that next time. Thanks for reading :)
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