I figured it was about time I updated on the adoption front, considering there are several of you who are probably thinking we have started the application process and eagerly awaiting our home study…right? Isn’t that what I alluded to in my last post?
Yeah, no. I guess I lied. Sorry. To be completely honest, we haven’t even made the phone call or filled out the application. Why are we dragging our feet you ask? It’s simple really, I’m not ready. I wish I were ready. I wish I was so excited and anxious to get started. I want more than anything to have that family. Instead, all I’m feeling is scared. I’m so incredibly terrified. Terrified that I will get my hopes up again, and terrified that I will only end up crushed and disappointed in the end. After all, each time I got excited about starting a family, it only ended in heartbreak.
I’ve read so many stories of couple who have adopted and that moment they get to first hold their baby, or when they get to take their baby home, and it makes me cry. EVERY. TIME. Because I want that. I want to experience that moment of someone handing me a baby and realizing I get to keep this one. But there are always those small “what if’s” that haunt my thoughts. What if the birth mom changes her mind? What if we wait for years and never get our chance? What if that child grows up and realizes they don’t want us for parents after all?
Really, I don’t know that I could handle the heartache. The possibility of being so utterly crushed is what I find so scary. I am mildly unhappy working full-time and starting my career, but it’s far better than the alternative. For right now, I’m comfortable being blissfully ignorant of the hard road ahead of us.
So while I long for my happy ending of bringing that baby home, I’m not ready to do what is necessary. So for now, this adoption thing has been placed on the back burner of my Life To-Do list. Bummer.