Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Adoption: Just Kidding?

I figured it was about time I updated on the adoption front, considering there are several of you who are probably thinking we have started the application process and eagerly awaiting our home study…right? Isn’t that what I alluded to in my last post?

Yeah, no. I guess I lied. Sorry. To be completely honest, we haven’t even made the phone call or filled out the application. Why are we dragging our feet you ask? It’s simple really, I’m not ready. I wish I were ready. I wish I was so excited and anxious to get started. I want more than anything to have that family. Instead, all I’m feeling is scared. I’m so incredibly terrified. Terrified that I will get my hopes up again, and terrified that I will only end up crushed and disappointed in the end. After all, each time I got excited about starting a family, it only ended in heartbreak.

I’ve read so many stories of couple who have adopted and that moment they get to first hold their baby, or when they get to take their baby home, and it makes me cry. EVERY. TIME. Because I want that. I want to experience that moment of someone handing me a baby and realizing I get to keep this one. But there are always those small “what if’s” that haunt my thoughts. What if the birth mom changes her mind? What if we wait for years and never get our chance? What if that child grows up and realizes they don’t want us for parents after all?

Really, I don’t know that I could handle the heartache. The possibility of being so utterly crushed is what I find so scary. I am mildly unhappy working full-time and starting my career, but it’s far better than the alternative. For right now, I’m comfortable being blissfully ignorant of the hard road ahead of us.

So while I long for my happy ending of bringing that baby home, I’m not ready to do what is necessary. So for now, this adoption thing has been placed on the back burner of my Life To-Do list. Bummer.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Next Stop: Adoption!

I'm doing it. I'm resurrecting the old blog. Not real sure if that is allowed in the blogging world....oh well :) As you can tell from the title, we are starting our crazy journey to adopt. Even while typing that out, it still doesn't feel real. Are we really doing this?

Let's back up a bit. About a year and a half ago, after we lost the triplets, we made the decision to give ourselves a break. We told ourselves we would wait about 2 years and allow me to finish school before revisiting the kid thing. Well, graduation is in 6 days! While that is certainly exciting, this looming adoption process has occupied more space and time in my mind.

So why did we decide to adopt? Well, ultimately it came down to 2 realistic options for us. We either try ourselves again, or adopt. I am so very tempted to try again and that thought never leaves my mind. There are so many what-ifs involved in that thought process. What if we can do it this time? What if we put the stitch in early? What if we could have a normal pregnancy and child this time? What if it could really work? We know it is possible that it could end successfully. However, would we be able to deal with ALL possible outcomes? Would we be willing to possibly bury number 5, if that is where our decision lead us? And the answer was no. While there will always be a chance that getting pregnant COULD be successful, we aren't willing to take that chance again. There are many days I tell myself I am willing to do it, that I want to try again, even if I have to spend the entire 9 months in a hospital, but since Justin is the voice of logic and reason in this situation, he always reminds me that that is a road we won't want to travel again. Thank goodness for my other half who has his head screwed on straight, because heaven knows mine isn't half the time :)

So many things go through my mind when I think about this road we are about to take. Too many to get out right now. But to sum up, I feel terrified, unprepared, unsure of myself, tired, and so darn excited. There are so many avenues we can take to adopt and after much discussion we have decided to go through the state. After we are licensed and our home study is done, we will also be placed on area OBGYN office lists, who facilitate private adoptions.

I do not know the first thing about the adoption process. I found the application I have to fill out and just looking at it made me want to throw-up, which can't be a good sign right? Hopefully the next time I see it I am feeling better and have my pen ready :)

But before I even get to the part of filling out the paper-work, step number one is mending my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It's no secret that we have had a trying time the past few years, and while I have always remained faithful and obedient to what I know to be true, my personal relationship and faith have seriously been lacking. I never wanted to be angry at my Heavenly Father for what life has dealt me, but surprise! That's where I have ended up, and it has been a hard process finding that peace and comfort I once felt on a daily basis. Learning how to turn to the Lord and find my humility in all this bitterness is a necessary step in what we are about to start. As I have pondered this process, I have realized more than anything that what we need most is guidance from our Heavenly Father. We will need him to help teach us patience, we will need him to help us make decisions when they come our way, and we will need his comfort in times of sadness and disappointment, because I know those times are coming. So as we do research on where to start, that is what I will be doing. Hopefully he has not given up on me.

Lastly, a big thank you to everyone in Justin and I's lives who have been nothing but supportive in our whole journey. Who have offered a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. We know we have such an amazing network and support group no matter what our future holds! So here we go, into the unknown....