So here it is. My final post. I promised a couple posts ago that I would finish out my journey before I ended my blog so here is my final update. I am not real sure where to start or what to say so I think I will just stick to the facts for now.
Last weekend I was sent home from the hospital and I was home a whopping 2 days before I ended up back in the hospital last Sunday. I was having some contraction-like pain and after being checked by my doctor, it was decided that I was going back on the magnesium and staying in the hospital until I had the babies. I had 2 1/2 weeks to go til my goal. I can't stress enough how much I hate hate hate being on magnesium and anyone who has experienced it can tell you how awful it is. By Wednesday this last week I was so sick of feeling crappy, sick of the IV's, sick of being in a hospital bed, attached to all these wires and monitors and I had a break down. It was Wednesday afternoon I just started crying and just wanted to be done. The contractions were still coming no matter how much stuff they pumped in my body and the thought of sitting like that for two more weeks was more than I could handle. Justin was working that day, but I didn't care, I called him up bawling because I couldn't take it anymore and he came rushing from work and didn't leave my side. I finally calmed down from shear exhaustion and was just enjoying having him with me.
It was about 5pm and I was feeling another contraction coming on and felt something leaking. I called for my nurse to come help me get cleaned up, thinking I was just bleeding more. The nurse came in and informed us that she thought one of my waters had broke and she was going to call my doctor to come confirm. The next hour or so was spent with me laying perfectly still, trying not to get too worked up, holding Justin's hand and us just sitting in silence. I think we were too afraid to speak and neither of us knew what to say. We both knew what was coming and what was about to happen and there wasn't much we could do about it. I gathered all the strength and peace I could muster so I wouldn't start crying and freaking out. I wanted to wait to hear from my doctor of what the game plan was.
The next hours passed in a blur. My doctor came and informed us that it was indeed amniotic fluid and we would have to remove the stitch and deliver the two babies that night. They got my epidural in and as soon as my doctor removed the stitch, Baby B was born. The last couple weeks we had thought baby B was a boy so we were quite surprised when it was a girl that came out. We named her Chloe Elizabeth. My doctor wasn't sure how long it would take Baby C to come so she left the room and gave us some time to spend with Chloe. She was beautiful and looked a lot like her brother Braden that was born two weeks prior. I cried a little but in all reality was too exhausted and drugged up and wanted to hurry up and finish delivering Baby C. It only took about an hour and half before Baby C was ready to come. I know that sounds like awhile but it went by quickly. Baby C came easily and it was a boy. We named him Daniel James. He looked so much like his sister Emily who was born last year. It was almost like I was looking at the same baby.
They took the babies to get washed up and finger printed while my doctor delivered all three placentas and had to do a D&C to remove parts of placenta that hadn't come out. Boy was that so much fun...
All I can say is that at the time I was glad it was over. I just wanted to go home and curl up in a ball but they had to keep me over night. I remember finally being unhooked from all the tubes and monitors, Justin bringing me food and being able to take an amazing hot bath with jets that was so relaxing. Once I was back in my room in bed they brought Daniel and Chloe to us and we just spent time holding them and talking about them and crying. I thought holding Emily and letting her go was hard, and it was. But I can't even describe how it felt to lay there holding my two precious babies, knowing I had to let them go soon.
I felt so absolutely miserable and guilty. I kept looking at them feeling like I had let them down. That I had failed them. I am sure they wanted to be here so badly and I just couldn't make it two more weeks. They were born at exactly 22 weeks. 2 weeks from our goal. We were so close and had tried so hard but still came up short.
We were able to go home the following morning and the days since then has been spent sleeping and trying to recover physically. After being the hospital a month and having all kinds of drugs still in my system and all the pain that comes after delivery, my body has had a hard time getting its strength back. I still haven't talked to anyone, nor do I feel ready. I have no idea what to say to people. I don't have much to say honestly except that it sucks and I am sad, and scared of what my future holds now. I don't know where to go from here.
I haven't really dealt with the emotional grief yet, I keep putting it off until I feel better physically. We have the service planned for this coming Wednesday and I know there are hard times ahead and I will have to face it eventually, but for now I am choosing to ignore it until I am ready.
Grieving this time around will be so much more different than it was when Emily passed. After Emily there was still hope of children in our future and there was so much to say and ways to make myself feel better. I have no idea how to make myself feel better this time, the grief seems so much more magnified. Not only am I grieving three of my precious children, but I am also grieving the possibility of children for us. At least in the foreseeable future. It all seems so much more final this time around and I don't know how to handle that.
So there it is. The end of our journey. There will be lots of emotions and things to work through in the coming months and I could blog about it if I wanted, but I truly feel like now is the time to say goodbye and work through this in my own time. A big thank you to all of you who have followed our story and said prayers on our behalf. I don't know how to say thank you enough.
I know there are wonderful things in store for Justin's and my future and we will work through this and come out of it okay. Thanks for sharing in a small part of our life together.