I think it is safe to say I have reached that all too familiar stage of feeling…Nothing. I wouldn’t consider myself sad, but I do not feel happy either. I feel fine. I don’t feel much. So am I making progress? If feeling nothing is better than being sad, then yeah I guess I am progressing.
I hate feeling nothing. I feel so detached, like I am operating through a fog where nothing really gets through to me. It has been awhile since I really cried, but I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed or smiled either. My smiles feel automatic, mechanic. I can’t remember the last time I was actually excited or invested in what is happening around me. I am just going through the motions, with no real interest in anything. (I sound like I could be on an anti depressant commercial). But I don’t feel depressed; I don’t spend my time sad. I go through my day like normal, a functioning member of society like everyone else.
What I find most frustrating is not feeling like myself. I look at pictures of Justin and I during our first 2 ½ years of marriage, before all the madness began, and I miss that girl. She was excited about her future and the possibilities were endless. The last two years have sucked that girl dry of any excitement toward the future. I feel like a little kid who just found out Santa isn't real. I feel like I am just existing, doing what I know I am supposed to be doing, but my heart is not in it. I have heard that I will never get that girl back, that I can never be the old me, because I have been forever changed. But I am not so sure I like the new version of me. She is numb, she is not excited about the future, she doesn’t laugh as much, she is not fun. I want the old me back.
This stage for me is the most frustrating. I would rather spend my time moping and crying than what I am doing now, because then I am actually FEELING something. Something is at least affecting me. It’s like I am on a hunt to find something that will produce some sort of feeling from me.
I don’t know how to fix it.
Here are my two cents: Let it be. This is all part of the healing process, and it's okay if it takes time to work through. You won't be numb forever. I've learned that even if my practical mind decides I should feel this way or that way, sometimes my heart has other ideas, and I just need to stop fussing and let it heal.
ReplyDeleteThat girl you were in your first 2 1/2 years of marriage was awesome, but she's just a pale shadow of the strong, wise, and beautiful woman you're becoming. She hadn't been tested like you have, she had never experienced the pain you have - and likewise she couldn't feel joy as deeply as you will. God has a plan for you.
Wishing all the best for you and your family,
Sarah Phelps
agree with sarah. you don't fix it. you let it all work itself out, because it will. it takes a long time. and that's completely ok. you are a new person, with new experiences. it's not only mourning the loss of your children, but the loss of who you were as a person as well. let God touch those inner most feelings, He is the only one that can and WILL fix it.
ReplyDeleteheather