I think it is safe to say I have reached that all too familiar stage of feeling…Nothing. I wouldn’t consider myself sad, but I do not feel happy either. I feel fine. I don’t feel much. So am I making progress? If feeling nothing is better than being sad, then yeah I guess I am progressing.
I hate feeling nothing. I feel so detached, like I am operating through a fog where nothing really gets through to me. It has been awhile since I really cried, but I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed or smiled either. My smiles feel automatic, mechanic. I can’t remember the last time I was actually excited or invested in what is happening around me. I am just going through the motions, with no real interest in anything. (I sound like I could be on an anti depressant commercial). But I don’t feel depressed; I don’t spend my time sad. I go through my day like normal, a functioning member of society like everyone else.
What I find most frustrating is not feeling like myself. I look at pictures of Justin and I during our first 2 ½ years of marriage, before all the madness began, and I miss that girl. She was excited about her future and the possibilities were endless. The last two years have sucked that girl dry of any excitement toward the future. I feel like a little kid who just found out Santa isn't real. I feel like I am just existing, doing what I know I am supposed to be doing, but my heart is not in it. I have heard that I will never get that girl back, that I can never be the old me, because I have been forever changed. But I am not so sure I like the new version of me. She is numb, she is not excited about the future, she doesn’t laugh as much, she is not fun. I want the old me back.
This stage for me is the most frustrating. I would rather spend my time moping and crying than what I am doing now, because then I am actually FEELING something. Something is at least affecting me. It’s like I am on a hunt to find something that will produce some sort of feeling from me.
I don’t know how to fix it.