As I have been looking forward to the coming year with excitement, I have been thinking a lot about my past. I recently came upon some old pictures of when I was a cheerleader. Yes, I was a cheerleader. It was only 3rd-5th grade though so you can't hold it against me :) As I was thinking back to those years of carefree life I was reminded how drastically different my life is than what I imagined it would be. How incredibly ignorant and naive I was... but I guess that is what childhood is supposed to be like right? I had never imagined my life playing out like it has. So I look back and feel sorry for the little girl that has no idea what is coming... I wish I could have prepared myself. So here are some things I would have told that little girl:
-You will get married much younger than you anticipated (but that was a good thing :)).
-You will not have children as soon as you thought you would.
-You will try to conceive for 15 months with no success and will need medical intervention to make that dream a reality.
-You will bury that child (this one is a doozy, for it truly blindsided me).
-You will carry a lot of guilt and feelings of inadequacy.
-You will feel isolated from everyone. Too young and childless to really fit in with those who have children. But experienced too much to really fit in with girls your own age.
-Sometimes while you are driving, you will look in the rear view mirror and pretend you are talking to a baby in its car seat the back seat.
-Sometimes while you are laying on the couch you will lay your hands on your belly just waiting and hoping you will feel some kind of movement.
-You will feel like you are going crazy.
-You will, for the first time, really struggle with your faith and what you have known to be true your whole life.
-You will have feelings of envy and resentment like never before.
-You will come to realize that there are many others like you out there who are suffering in silent pain too.
And some things I hope to add to that list soon:
-You will be a mother to living children.
-You will be happy again.
-You will learn to be happy with your new normal.
Thanks for reading :)