Over the past 6 months there has been a whole spectrum of emotions. More than I thought even existed. The feeling that has been dominating my life over the past month or so has been a feeling of failure. I feel I have failed as a mom, a wife and a female.
Starting with failing as a mom. I have had several people tell me that I did the most important thing for my daughter. I gave her a body. That, however, has provided no comfort to be honest. A dear friend of mine, Susanna lost her daughter about a month ago. Also a stillborn. Slightly different situation but basically the same thing. Susanna has been comforted with the fact that she KNOWS it was supposed to happen that way. She has that reassurance that her daughter was not supposed to be here at this time. That she did her job as mother and that was all she was supposed to do right now. And she has made peace with that. I wish I had that reassurance. For the few weeks following Emily's birth I told myself she wasn't supposed to be here with us right now. That that was Heavenly Father's plan. I am not so sure anymore. After all, she is not here because of me. Emily was perfectly healthy and growing just as she should. Right up until my water broke, she was in there moving around and kicking (she moved a lot). There were no complications with her. The only reason we lost her was because my body spit her out before she was ready. If my body had worked the way it was supposed to, she would be here with us. So maybe she WAS supposed to be here, maybe she WAS supposed to grow up and find a husband have children of her own. I don't believe that every baby lost was God's predetermined planned for them. I don't believe that every baby lost was because HE wanted to save them from the perils of this world. Sometimes, things just happen and he allows them to happen. Sometimes, accidents and events happen, even if they weren't predetermined by God. I am believing more and more these days that losing Emily was one of those events. That my body wasn't working properly and because of it, we lost her. So do I feel partly responsible? Absolutely. Was it something I could control? Definitely not. But that doesn't prevent me from feeling like my body failed her. And me. My job as a mother was to protect my child, and I did quite the opposite.
I also feel like a failure as a mother, and feel guilt, over the week following her birth. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I didn't go to see her at the funeral home, or dressed her for burial. I didn't spend the time with her that I could've. Because I was scared. I let fear rob me of the limited precious time I had with her, and for that I am angry with myself. I mean what mother wouldn't want to spend every moment they had with their child? What was stopping me? I feel like I abandoned her and left her all alone.
I feel guilty over things I could have done differently. I understand that I wasn't expecting anything to go wrong and wasn't supposed to be looking out for warning signs. Didn't know what I was supposed to look for. But I should've followed more of my gut instinct in the days before her birth. I shouldn't have been worried about being "one of those first-time moms" who rushes to the emergency for every gas bubble they feel. I should've been one of those moms. If I had, Emily may have been with us today.
Next, I feel like I have failed as a wife. My husband wants to be a father so bad, and he will make a wonderful father. I watch him with little kids. I notice the way he looks at babies and plays with them. I know he is ready to have kids. And as his wife, I have failed in that department. I know we have Emily, but I am talking about the lack of children here on earth. I feel so bad whenever we hear about another one of his missionary companions whose wife has had a baby. Or when he gets news of his friends who just found out they are going to be dad. It's like we are standing on the side of the road, watching everyone else pass us by as they start their families and we are still left with just us. I have had several people tell me to just enjoy the time I have with just Justin right now, that children will come and when they do, I will want those days back where it was just Justin and I. And I do enjoy the time I have with my husband. But we are ready to be parents. We are ready to have our house filled with children laughing, playing and crying and screaming and everything else. Our house is too quiet.
I have thought a few times, that if Justin had married someone else, he would probably be a father right now. I think how lucky my past boyfriends are that they didn't end up with me, because they wouldn't have any children. I feel bad that Justin is "stuck" with me. A partner that can't provide him with healthy children to raise. I mentioned this to him once and it made him really sad. He hates when I say things like that. So I don't talk about it anymore.
I also feel I have failed as a female. Why did Heavenly Father create women? To bear, raise and nurture his children...right? Isn't that our job? To have children? Isn't that the one thing that us women can do that men can't? I understand there are many other jobs for women and there are so many other things I could do and accomplish. But when it comes down to it, I feel like less of a woman. Why can't I be like other women? Who decide they want to have a baby and just do it? Who go off birth control and conceive? Who Carry full-term without worries of whether their bodies are going to spit their babies out before they are ready. If I can't provide children, what am I supposed to do with my life? I know that sounds shallow. Most people would respond, work on your career, serve others, find other hobbies to devote your time to. And I plan to do these things, but bottom line-I am supposed to bear children. And so far that hasn't worked out too great for me, so I am having a hard time trying to determine my purpose or direction... feeling a little lost.
I know some of you who may be reading this may think, "wow, that's a lot of negative thoughts and personal blame". And yeah, it is. I know a lot of these feelings do not make sense, or are not logical. But when something like this happens, your brain doesn't always work right, or think logically.
Not everyday is this depressing. I still have my good days and bad days. Good hours and bad hours. Good minutes and bad minutes. These feelings of failure and guilt have been an umbrella, or cloud that has been hovering around me for about a month now. I was hoping if I finally blurted it all out, I'd feel better.... we'll see. Thanks for reading.