Trying

A question I got asked a few times after Emily was born was whether or not Justin and I were going to keep trying to have kids. Or how long we would wait before we tried again. I don't think Justin and I ever had to really talk about it, we both just knew that we would be trying again as soon as we could. As I said earlier, we were ready to be parents.

Two weeks after she was born I had my follow-up doctor's appointment. I was really hoping they would be able to tell me something useful or maybe explain why I went into preterm labor. Pretty much all my doc told me was that they had no idea. He said it could have been a couple different reasons. It could have been an incompetent cervix or infection or just random preterm labor. Since Emily wasn't that big, the labor wasn't that traumatic and I healed quickly. The doctor said I could resume life as normal.

I left the doctor's office feeling really disappointed and discouraged. I had no real information to go off of for my next pregnancy. He said I should probably give my body a month or two to get back to normal before getting pregnant again. I wasn't worried about that since I knew it would take us awhile to get pregnant. I wanted to get pregnant right away and continue on with our plan to have children, but not finding any information out at the doctor made getting pregnant really scary. I mean, what if it happened again? Would there be any way to detect the preterm labor coming on or would it happen really fast again? Would the doctor treat my pregnancy as an incompetent cervix? Or would I have to lose another baby before they diagnosed me with one?

Since Emily was born I have been reading a lot on high risk pregnancies with women who go into preterm labor. A common theme I was reading was bed rest and a cerclage. I had no idea what that was so I looked up as much information as I could about cerclages. Man oh man....that does NOT sound pleasant. And what if I have to be put on bed rest the last 6 months of my pregnancy and am still not able to carry full term? These are the questions that haunt me. I want children so bad but I am so worried about what this next pregnancy will be like. I'm almost expecting something to go wrong. I try to tell myself that what happened with Emily was just a random incident and my next pregnancies will be normal. But given my history, I'm not counting on it.

Even though getting pregnant is scary for me, I really want to be pregnant again. If I have to have a cerclage and be put on bed rest, then so be it. I will do whatever I need to to carry full term and have a healthy baby. So in response to the title of this post, yes, we are trying. We have been trying since Emily was born. I am 99% sure I will not get pregnant until I got to the doctor and ask for Clomid or some kind of help. I have a doctor's appointment in December and Justin and I had decided to just wait it out and see what happens and if nothing happens, then I will see what I can do come December at my doctor's appointment. I know the chances are slim that I will get pregnant on my own, but every month I find myself hoping and getting excited. Just to have my hopes crushed. And every month I feel like a failure all over again. I know I need to be patient and wait til December like we agreed. Plus I have to think about school. But every time I see a little baby I just get so impatient and wish I had gone to the doctor 3 months ago... Oh well. December will get here soon enough, and I am optimistic that we'll be pregnant again in the next few months :) I haven't been through this long enough to be a pessimist so here's to hoping!! Thanks for reading :)