I have decided to change my pace here a little bit. I feel like my posts so far, although accurate, are very depressing. I do want to say that I don't spend everyday moping around all depressed. My blog's focus is going through the healing process of losing Emily and our attempt at more children. That doesn't mean there aren't other things going on in my life that occupy my day to day activities.
For example, I have started school. My original plan, when pregnant with Emily, was to have her in August, and start school in January. Probably part-time, maybe online, until I finished school. Well part way through the summer I found myself wondering what to do with myself. I suddenly had the month of August, and the rest of the year really, free. So what should I do? I decided to jump into school. I figured I needed to be doing SOMETHING with my time, and why not spend my time working toward another goal of mine? So I enrolled in 15 credit hours. I am a junior, studying accounting. So far I am enjoying it. I have missed school and learning. It's been awhile since I have exercised and stretched my brain. I have at least one day a week where I wake up and think to myself, "I shouldn't be going to school, I am supposed to be staying home with Emily." But I am thankful for the opportunity I have to go to school.
But school isn't what I want to talk about this morning. I wanted to talk about Faith. My Faith. The knowledge of my Heavenly Father is the only thing that has kept me sane through this whole process. I honestly do not know how anyone gets through something like this, or any hardship really, without some sort of belief system.
I have been holding onto what I know to be true, and my belief system like someone on a small life raft in a huge ocean. It is what gets me through everyday. I have knowledge of where little Emily is. That she is happy. That she is with my dad. That Justin and I WILL see her again, that we will get to raise her and be a family. I know I shouldn't dwell on what "will be" and things that will come in the future, but I often find myself daydreaming and yearning for the time that I will be reunited with Emily.
My comfort in the days and weeks following Emily's birth was all focused on my faith. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Most of the world refers to us as "Mormons". I was born and raised as a Mormon and it has sustained me through every hardship in my life. It is my unyielding foundation. And although this experience with Emily has been the hardest by far, and I sometimes find myself faltering, I still cling to the gospel and rely on my Heavenly Father to get me through.
My grandmother's sister sent me a letter a few days after losing Emily and in it she included a talk written by one of the General Authorities of our church. It focused on trials, and how to rely on the Lord. I wanted to include a few of the quotes from this talk that have uplifted and helped me get through, and statements that can help any one, Mormon or not.
-"When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, what am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial?"
-"Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."
-"His invitation, 'Ask, and ye shall receive" does not assure that you will get what you want. It does guarantee that, if worthy, you will get what you need, as judged by a Father that loves you perfectly, who want your eternal happiness even more than you do."
-"Don't let the workings of adversity totally absorb your life. Try to understand what you can. Act where you are able; then let the matter rest with the Lord for a period while you give to others in worthy ways before you take on appropriate concern again."
I want to close this short(er) post by saying that I know my Father in Heaven lives. That he is aware of me and knows my situation, my thoughts, my feelings, and my desires. I know that I will be blessed with children with the Lord sees fit and I need to put my faith in him. I know that he has put a plan in place for me and my family and that I will get to see my baby girl again and for that I am eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father. Thanks for reading!