Musings From my Hospital Room

Well it has been awhile since I have updated my blog. Now that I have a few moments by myself and a computer, I want to update everyone on the events of the last week and sort through some things that have been running through my mind the last few days.

So for a quick update. Last Tuesday, July 24 I went to my weekly ultrasound appointment to look at my cervix. I felt great that morning and assumed all was well since the previous week's ultrasound showed things looking great. A nurse did the ultrasound and I immediately saw that the screen looked differently. She left the room to go get the doctor and when my doctor saw the screen she informed me that I was heading to the hospital right then to go get my cervix stitched. The ultrasound was showing I was dilated to a 1. I was not at all concerned at this point. We had caught it early and I always knew a cerclage was a possibility.

Over the next several hours I got admitted into the hospital, told I would be there indefinitely, and pumped full of magnesium to calm my "irritated uterus" so the perinatologist could do the cerclage later that evening. He came to  talk to us before I was taken back and told us there was a 50/50 chance baby A's water sack could rupture during the procedure, but at this point there wasn't really an option, we were going to do it. My uterus didn't calm down and I was placed under general anesthesia instead of an epidural so my muscles would relax more. They told me later when I woke up that baby A's water sack had ruptured before the perinatologist could get the stitch in, so no stitch was placed. This was around 8 pm. My husband and I picked up little pieces of information and spent that first night under the impression that my body would go into labor soon, I would deliver baby A and we might have a chance of saving B and C. What a confusing night that was. I wasn't feeling much grief over A yet and still tried to focus on saving the other two.

The next morning my doctors came to visit and filled us in on some information that we had been missing. They told us baby A was still alive and doing fine and could continue to grow and thrive because B and C's water sacks were still providing the cushion it needed. Who knew! So crazy right? There was still a chance my body could go into labor over the next few days so they kept me on the mag and once they were convinced my body was stable and I wasn't going into labor, they moved me to a more comfortable room. So I have been here 8 days and so far everything is looking good! Over the past week I have gone from staying horizontal around the clock, a permanent catheter, IV medications, and sponge baths to being able to walk to the bathroom, take a real shower by myself, prop myself up to eat, no more IV fluids and I get to wear my own comfy clothes instead of the hospital gown! I am currently 80% effaced and dilated somewhere close to a 1. I was at a 2 but once baby A's water sack ruptured it took the pressure off and the cervix relaxed back thank goodness!

So I am currently 19 weeks, the docs want me to make it at LEAST another 5 weeks to viability. I am taking medications to keep from contracting and so far they are doing their job! We just have to keep me out of labor and all three babies could make it!

I've spent the majority of the last week staring at the monitor that is tracking my uterus activity and contractions. I feel any kind of cramp or tightening and my eyes are on the screen checking to see if it was a real contraction. But for the most part I am feeling pretty confident in my situation, no matter the outcome.

My prayers over the past week have not been for the babies but for my sanity. Is that insensitive? I don't know, but here is why. I have known from the very beginning that this pregnancy was risky. I also know that Heavenly Father knows and has a plan for these babies. I think he already knows whether he is going to let them stay or whether they are going to go be with their sister for the time being. I also know that these babies are mine, whether I get them in this life or whether I get them the same time as Emily is irrelevant. These babies are loved and being cared for and no matter what the outcome, I know they will be fine.

 I have more doubts about myself. Looking back I feel like I have processed, dealt with, and come to terms with the loss of Emily fairly well. I feel like I am in a good place as far as she is concerned. However, I am not real sure I can handle that again. I don't know if I can mentally handle burying three more babies. I worry that if I lose these babies I will snap. I not only will lose the babies, but I will lose my sanity, my faith, and my desire to have any more children. If I lose these babies I am not sure I will want to go through all the fertility, the risks and the loss all over again. I am coming up on my 24th birthday and I feel like that is too young to decide that I don't want to try for kids anymore, but I just don't know if I can handle it. So mostly I worry about being able to handle whatever is going to come our way over the next couple months. I feel like I should be preparing myself but how do you prepare for something like that? The only tearful break downs I have had since being in the hospital is when my mind plays out the birth and funeral of the three babies. Instead of seeing Emily's 1 casket I see three and I just can't handle it.

Sorry for the depressing thoughts. To be honest I really have been trying to stay positive. I really am very pleased with how far I have gotten and how well my body is cooperating. I truly feel like if it continues to behave we can make it to the end and that is what I focus on. I celebrate all the little bits of good news, even if it's just being able to walk to the bathroom! It is too early to feel down!

I am not sure when I will post again, hopefully not for awhile because that means nothing is happening!! Just know I will be laying in my hospital bed trying to be the best incubator I can for the little ones! Thanks for reading!!