It hasn't been that long since my last break down but I can already feel it starting to build again. It seems to follow me everywhere, even school. So many times the topic of parenthood or kids will come up and I just sit there.
In my marketing class my teacher started talking about blogs and she asked if any of us read or follow blogs, so I raised my hand to signal that I followed blogs. She then asked me what blogs I follow and what they were about. I felt frozen. I just sat there with everyone in class just staring at me. I felt so stupid. I finally said, "oh ya know, just a lot of random stuff, nothing specific". I really worried and wondered what the reaction would have been had I said, "infertility and loss". I shouldn't have raised my hand to begin with. Another time in the same class (my marketing teacher has three children and talks about them a lot) she asked if any of us were married so I raised my hand, she then asked if any of us had children, so I put my hand down and just sat there with a pit in my stomach. How strange it is that such a simple innocent question could cause so much inner turmoil. I so badly wanted to raise my hand, I so badly wished I could raise my hand and talk about my daughter.
I had the t.v. on tonight while Parenthood was on and toward the end of the show one of the characters who was expecting to take home a baby she was supposed to adopt after it was born, only it seems the mother has chosen to keep the baby. While I have never gone down the adoption road and I have no idea what that feels like and I am in no position to judge the adopter or the birth mother, watching the scene of her just crying over losing that anticipated adoption was so painful. I just cried. I never cry over television shows. Just the pain and sadness on her face was all too familiar.
I have also recently heard about a story where a man met a woman on the internet and they started dating and she got pregnant and the man got her to sign some papers she obviously didn't understand and when the baby was born, he took the baby to his wife and they proceeded to attempt to the adopt the baby... very strange... I am sure a large majority of the world thinks infertile women are crazy... we aren't crazy.
I often find myself conflicted when it comes to associating and communicating with pregnant women. 100% of me is genuinely happy and excited for them. There is no conscience hard feelings or feelings of bitterness. But there is always this knot that forms in my stomach when someone announces their pregnancy. I don't want it to. I want to be able to say congratulations and simply be happy for them. I don't understand this automatic uncomfortable reaction that happens that I can't control. It's like my body recoils at the thought or conversation about babies or pregnancies. And it drives me crazy. There are so many women I know who are pregnant and I love that they are pregnant, but I can't seem to get my body to just relax when the topic comes up....It has also become apparent to me that pregnant women sometimes have a hard time talking about their pregnancies with me... maybe they are worried that they will hurt my feelings if they talk about how happy and excited they are. I don't the reason. But I can understand where they are coming from. If I were on the other end I don't know how I would feel about talking about my pregnancy with me either. But it is just one more thing that makes me feel different and isolated. I would love to pretend that I am normal and I can talk about pregnancies with no problem. I try so hard.
Last Sunday during church a baby was handed to my friend and I while her mother was busy, and while my friend held this adorable baby girl I kept smiling at her and all she would do is look at me and cry. And it made me sad. Other than my nephew who is about 16 months old, I haven't held a baby since Emily was born. The thought of holding a baby is both terrifying and something I yearn for. Terrifying because I know it will be so painful, but something I ache to do because my arms feel so empty and heavy all the time. Church has also become something so conflicting for me. It provides so much peace and comfort, but at the same time it is extremely painful. The fact that I don't have children is so blatantly obvious to me while sitting in church. It's like it slaps me in the face every Sunday. How easy it would be to just stay away. How easy it would be to just stay in my own little world and not have to face all the happy families and all the little children and all the pregnant women. Why does the place that provides me with so much peace and comfort have to be the place that causes so many reminders and so much pain?
I just want it to end. I want the madness and craziness to end. I want to be normal. I want to stop feeling crazy.