I think it is time to seek professional help. Yep. I said it. I may need therapy. I honestly feel like I have been able to process and deal with the loss of our children over the past year and a half pretty well. I never before thought I would go down this road. However, over the past few weeks I have noticed aspects in my thought process that I know is not normal. Does this all have to do with just the loss of our children? Partially, but that’s not all of it. There are a few aspects of my life that I have never really been able to process and work through and I think the loss of our children has just magnified problems that have always existed. I know there is a problem, I know why I have this problem, and I know it’s not normal, but I am at a loss as to how to fix it. So I figure while I am making my way through the grieving process, why not deal with everything? Lay it all out there and fix me all at once? Work towards a new and improved Jessica 2.0!
You may be wondering why I am announcing to the world that I’m thinking about seeking professional help. I am kind of wondering that myself. I thought about why I have this blog in the first place. I wanted to start this blog not only to work through my feelings and experiences of infertility/loss, but to try to help others out there understand what this world is like. Infertility and loss touches many lives. Not only for those going through it, but for their friends and family members as well. Everything relationship a woman has is affected by infertility/loss and sometimes it is hard to navigate that dynamic. For awhile I thought I would keep this therapy idea private, that it was no one’s business whether I seek help or not, and to a certain degree that is true. But then I thought about why I wanted to keep it private and I realized that it was because I was embarrassed. Therapy has such a stigma attached to it. When people would mention it as an option for me over the past year and a half I would brush it off thinking, “yeah right, I don’t need to see a shrink.” As if deciding I needed to see a therapist would be admitting that I am not normal, that I am sick in some sense. But this fact is obvious to me now, I’m not normal, and that’s okay. I mean what is ‘normal’ anyway? So I finally decided to post this to my blog to help people realize that seeking help is okay! There is nothing wrong with those who do. Sometimes being able to process certain events is beyond our ability.
I may be a hypocrite in saying this though because after all, I have yet to make the phone call. I have been mulling it over in my mind for a couple weeks now but still haven’t picked up the phone. I don’t know what is stopping me. Maybe I’m scared? Maybe I am still fighting against the idea that I even need it? Who knows? I told Justin it is his job to keep me committed to this and not let me chicken out. I just need to find the courage and buck up and do it! Wish me luck!