It's Me Again...

It hasn't been that long since my last break down but I can already feel it starting to build again. It seems to follow me everywhere, even school. So many times the topic of parenthood or kids will come up and I just sit there.

In my marketing class my teacher started talking about blogs and she asked if any of us read or follow blogs, so I raised my hand to signal that I followed blogs. She then asked me what blogs I follow and what they were about. I felt frozen. I just sat there with everyone in class just staring at me. I felt so stupid. I finally said, "oh ya know, just a lot of random stuff, nothing specific". I really worried and wondered what the reaction would have been had I said, "infertility and loss". I shouldn't have raised my hand to begin with. Another time in the same class (my marketing teacher has three children and talks about them a lot) she asked if any of us were married so I raised my hand, she then asked if any of us had children, so I put my hand down and just sat there with a pit in my stomach. How strange it is that such a simple innocent question could cause so much inner turmoil. I so badly wanted to raise my hand, I so badly wished I could raise my hand and talk about my daughter.

I had the t.v. on tonight while Parenthood was on and toward the end of the show one of the characters who was expecting to take home a baby she was supposed to adopt after it was born, only it seems the mother has chosen to keep the baby. While I have never gone down the adoption road and I have no idea what that feels like and I am in no position to judge the adopter or the birth mother, watching the scene of her just crying over losing that anticipated adoption was so painful. I just cried. I never cry over television shows. Just the pain and sadness on her face was all too familiar.

I have also recently heard about a story where a man met a woman on the internet and they started dating and she got pregnant and the man got her to sign some papers she obviously didn't understand and when the baby was born, he took the baby to his wife and they proceeded to attempt to the adopt the baby... very strange... I am sure a large majority of the world thinks infertile women are crazy... we aren't crazy.

I often find myself conflicted when it comes to associating and communicating with pregnant women. 100% of me is genuinely happy and excited for them. There is no conscience hard feelings or feelings of bitterness. But there is always this knot that forms in my stomach when someone announces their pregnancy. I don't want it to. I want to be able to say congratulations and simply be happy for them. I don't understand this automatic uncomfortable reaction that happens that I can't control. It's like my body recoils at the thought or conversation about babies or pregnancies. And it drives me crazy. There are so many women I know who are pregnant and I love that they are pregnant, but I can't seem to get my body to just relax when the topic comes up....It has also become apparent to me that pregnant women sometimes have a hard time talking about their pregnancies with me... maybe they are worried that they will hurt my feelings if they talk about how happy and excited they are. I don't the reason. But I can understand where they are coming from. If I were on the other end I don't know how I would feel about talking about my pregnancy with me either. But it is just one more thing that makes me feel different and isolated. I would love to pretend that I am normal and I can talk about pregnancies with no problem. I try so hard.

Last Sunday during church a baby was handed to my friend and I while her mother was busy, and while my friend held this adorable baby girl I kept smiling at her and all she would do is look at me and cry. And it made me sad. Other than my nephew who is about 16 months old, I haven't held a baby since Emily was born. The thought of holding a baby is both terrifying and something I yearn for. Terrifying because I know it will be so painful, but something I ache to do because my arms feel so empty and heavy all the time. Church has also become something so conflicting for me. It provides so much peace and comfort, but at the same time it is extremely painful. The fact that I don't have children is so blatantly obvious to me while sitting in church. It's like it slaps me in the face every Sunday. How easy it would be to just stay away. How easy it would be to just stay in my own little world and not have to face all the happy families and all the little children and all the pregnant women. Why does the place that provides me with so much peace and comfort have to be the place that causes so many reminders and so much pain?

I just want it to end. I want the madness and craziness to end. I want to be normal. I want to stop feeling crazy.

Here We Go Again!

So today was my long awaited doctor's appointment with the new ob/gyn. I had a whole list with me and was more than prepared. I loved the smaller, low key office and all the nurses were wonderful. I absolutely loved the doctor and loved that she spent an hour just talking about everything. I can say that I am feeling 100% better about starting this whole process again. Part of me is even a little excited about the possibility of actually having a baby for real this time that I can keep! So for those family and friends out there, here is a little update about what I found out and where we are at right now...

My doctor agrees that I have PCOS, which was nice to have a second opinion on the matter. So no more guessing. The pain and weird things I was experiencing the last couple weeks was all typical of a ruptured cyst. It's gone now and everything is back to normal. well...my normal anyway. We talked about my history and my concerns for future pregnancies. She did tell me that the chances of me being able to carry full term with no problems is slim to none, given my history. She is thinking I have an incompetent cervix since there aren't any signs suggesting otherwise. Given my cycle history over the past 9 months, she thinks I may be ovulating on my own and wants me to chart the next couple months and use ovulation predictor tests to see if that may help. I am a little skeptical since I have never been able to get pregnant on my own... Oh well. If after two months I am not pregnant then we will go the Clomid route again since it worked so well last time. So we will see how the next couple months pan out!

Once we get a positive pregnancy test, I will meet with a high risk specialist and he will determine whether he wants to do a cerclage or something else. And then I guess just monitor me closely. So that is the game plan and I am feeling pretty good about it! I am just grateful for getting a doctor I am comfortable with and that I am feeling comfortable with the plan for the next few months. So hopefully I will have some good news for you all in the next few months!  Here's to hoping! ;)

When to say "enough is enough"

So I had a kind of break down this morning over finances. We are broke, we are always broke. Us and everyone else out there right? My husband is a firefighter and while the benefits are decent and it's a stable job and he loves what he does, let's face it, firefighters don't make that much money. And since I have yet to finish school, we are kind of on a tight budget. No surprise there.

So recently I have been pretty excited/anxious about going to my doctor appointment on Monday to start the whole "figure out what's wrong with me and maybe try the whole pregnancy thing again" thing. But after a quick mental survey of our finances, I am not so excited anymore.

I am really beginning to wonder if finding out what is wrong with me is really worth it financially. I just keep wondering where the line is between pursuing having children or keep putting us more in debt in medical bills? Justin and I would like to buy a house. In the near future if at all possible. And while I would never outright decide to put off having kids just so we can buy a house, I feel continuing to pile on the bills just isn't smart. Sometimes I wonder if I should just lay off this whole process, give it a rest for a year or so until we catch up and save up some money and maybe try again. But could I live with myself and be happy for the next year if that's what we decide to do? Or would I spend that year moping and depressed because I am not doing what I would really like to do?

I find it so frustrating because I keep wondering why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to be so darn complicated and have to spend so many more dollars on a process that so many other women find effortless? We should be saving money right now and be planning for our future and instead I feel like we are stuck in the same rut, with all our extra pennies spent on pursuing children and the end is nowhere in sight. So maybe it's time to take a breather?

Or maybe not, maybe we will end up continuing this process and just get ourselves into debt like all the other millions of americans out there. Is the end result of a baby worth it? Where is the cut off? Where is that dollar limit where you finally say "I just can't afford it anymore"? Or is there no limit? Is there no dollar limit to obtaining a baby? I don't know. I don't have any answers. I just know being broke stinks...