Holidays

My dear friend, Susannah, reminded me recently that it has been too long since I have posted on my blog. My response was, what do I blog about? I wanted my blog to be about my healing journey after Emily and our future attempts at Children. The last couple weeks I haven't felt or thought anything significant concerning either of these topics so I have kind of neglected my blog. I spent the last couple days trying to think of something about the whole Emily experience that I haven't touched on yet. Today I got my answer.
On my way to school this morning I stopped by the post office to check our mail. (we live in a small town where there are only p.o. boxes) I was mostly keeping my eye out for our electric bill because I knew it would be coming. To my surprise there was a letter from the Funeral Home we had used for Emily's service/burial. Not knowing what to expect I opened it and found an invitation the Funeral Home's Annual Memorial Christmas Tree ceremony. Apparently every year they decorate a tree in remembrance of all the loved ones that have passed away recently and they were inviting Justin and I to go and take part in this event and to put an ornament on the tree for Emily.
The last couple weeks as time has been inching closer to the Holiday Season I have not felt excited. At all. I keep feeling like I just want to skip Christmas all together. I am just not feeling very festive. Up until I received that letter today, I didn't think it had much to do with Emily. Now I know it has EVERYTHING to do with Emily. That letter made me start thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Emily would have been 8 months old (from the day she was born) or 4 months old (from her original due date) for her first Christmas. I hadn't yet thought about the upcoming holidays and how I was going to feel with Emily not being here. But there it was. This letter right in front of me and I suddenly became painfully aware of how lonely and awful this holiday season is going to be for me. I started thinking about what that would have been like. To decorate my house and get little presents for her to open and to take pictures of our first Christmas as a family. I suddenly felt very lonely and sad. I cried the whole way to school, but thankfully I was able to get myself under control before heading into class. It still amazes me how a completely ordinary morning can suddenly turn into a gut wrenching day.
I try to tell myself that the holidays will be wonderful anyway with all my family around and all the fun we have together. And it will be. But there will be this constant hole inside me, a constant feeling like someone is missing. The more I think about it, the more I want to go somewhere far far away this holiday season. Somewhere they don't celebrate Christmas.
Which sounds awful I know. I mean what is the whole reason we celebrate Christmas? To celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior right? Isn't that something in and of itself to be cheery and grateful for this season? Even though I will not be celebrating the birth of my precious daughter, I can still celebrate the birth of another baby and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.
But all in all, I am truly dreading this holiday season. It's too painful. I wish I could continue my day to day life of school where I don't have to think about it much. But with something like Christmas, it's like it's staring me in the face and I can't get away from it. I don't want to spend the next month and a half sad. Let's just skip it. Take me to January.
I haven't yet decided about whether or not to attend the Memorial Christmas Tree Ceremony. Maybe Justin will have a preference... Thanks for reading.