It's Like Getting to the End of a REALLY Great Book..

I have been thinking about this post for a few weeks but life has been busy and I haven't really known how to say it. I am ready to retire my blog. I have thought several times since Emily's birthday about writing on my blog but my mind continues to be a blank about what to put on here anymore.

This blog has been my therapy for about a year and a half and it will be a hard chapter to close, but I truly feel like it is time for me to move on to the next phase of my life. I do not know when, how, or under what circumstances, but I do know Justin and I will have children one day. I can feel it down to my core, and for right now, that knowledge sustains me, and it is enough. I do not want to keep writing about the fact that I don't have children and the struggles that I deal with everyday because I don't want to dwell on it, I don't want to keep coming back to this fact about my life and use it as a crutch or a reason why I can't be happy. It is what it is and I feel like I am at a point where I can say I am okay with where I am at in life. I am peacefully content. The newness of my grief has passed and anything else I put on here would probably just be redundant. In all honesty, life is good. No, life is great. It has taken me down an unexpected road, one I never dreamed I would end up on, but it has still been great. I have been blessed beyond what I have needed.

I want to end my blog with letting everyone know that I love my Savior and I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. It has been my rock through all of my trials and has brought a peace and a healing I cannot adequately describe. I know my Heavenly Father knows me, even better than I know myself, and that he is aware of me and my daily struggles. I know he loves me and will continue to bless me and direct my life.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog and being so supportive of Justin and I and our journey.

Emily's 2nd Birthday

So Friday the 19th was Emily's second birthday. I had been looking forward to this day for weeks. I was excited to have a whole day dedicated to my sweet girl. It was nice to reflect and think about the day she was born and how far we have come since then. After all the focus on the triplets it was nice to have a day all about Emily. To be honest there was no sadness for me on Friday. I woke up and was excited to celebrate! I thought about what she would be like at two years old and wondered what she spent her day doing on the other side. I felt her presence throughout the day as she was always on my mind. It almost felt like she was with me all day excited to celebrate with us :)

We didn't do a whole family thing since Justin and I only had the afternoon together and most of my family was in school or working. This is what we did with our afternoon.....

I made a cake! It was super yummy! I'm no professional but pretty sure if Emily were here, she'd like it all the same :)

(Justin wanted a picture with me holding it.... I was slightly worried it was going to slide off the cutting board)

We went and picked out a dress. We went to a few stores in search of the perfect one. I was having a hard time finding one that was just right. We finally settled on this one.

We drove to the hospital to drop off the wrapped dress. I forgot to get a picture of us in the birthing center holding the bag. Darn. Last year we just dropped off the dress with no card or anything. This year I wanted whoever got the dress to have a better understanding of why they were getting it. So I wrote a little note on the card, something to the effect of, "Congratulations on your new baby girl! Two years ago our baby girl was stillborn. We hope you enjoy this gift as we remember her today. Best of luck from the Jensens." Oh how I wish I could have been a fly on the wall and seen their reaction when they opened the present. I hope they like it and get good use out of the dress :)

After leaving the hospital we went for an early dinner at a new steakhouse in town before Justin headed into work. So yummy! I ended up taking half my plate home.

On our way home we stopped and picked up flowers and took them to the cemetery. This was probably the hardest part of the day for me. I picked out the most fun, most bright flowers I could find. After all, it was a happy day :) Justin asked if I wanted to sing happy birthday but I didn't think I could manage so he sang a wonderful solo of happy birthday :) It was lovely.

My babies birthdays are by far going to become my favorite days of the year. What a wonderful day we had remembering our little girl. I often found myself smiling throughout the day just thinking about her and how glad we are to have her in our family. How we look forward to the day that we will all be able to celebrate together!!! 

Happy Birthday Emily LaNae! :)

When the Going Gets Tough... Create!

This post has been a long time coming. Last fall when I got out of the hospital I had so much free time on my hands and needed something to do. We had recently moved into our house and I was wanting to "cutsie" it up a bit. This is what happens when I am bored, or need a distraction. I come up with a project and throw myself into it. So here are just a few pictures of things I have worked on the last 6 months or so. Enjoy! :)

 My polka dot skirt, one of the few skirts that have color on them

 I used the same pattern for this skirt. I loved the style, but was wanting one that was a little more style-no color :)

 Key holder. Pinterest was my inspiration. Went and bought the frame and hooks, and used my cricut for the rest.

 These are the squares to my baby quilt I am making. I haven't finished stitching the foot prints and I have yet to pick out all my colors for the fabric. Hopefully I will finish it this summer!

 Also a pinterest inspiration-kinda.

 I don't even know where I got the idea for this. I woke up one morning and just pulling stuff out of my craft room to make something and this is what happened! I used my cricut and the dots are buttons.

 I have taken on a red, black, and brown polka dot theme in my kitchen and was needing something on my blank wall. I could never find anything in the store that would match well, so I bought frames and the rest was scrapbook paper I already had. Matches perfectly! :)

 These are the vinyl decals I have in my kitchen. It spans the top of the whole wall in my kitchen (this picture doesn't really do it justice). This was with the help of a friend of mine who I bounced ideas off of.

 These are the curtains I made for my back door in my kitchen.....I am still deciding whether i like them or not. This is the second set I have made and still can't decide..

 This was a mirror we had in our bedroom. My mother in law gave me the decal saying when we went out for Christmas and I was having a hard time deciding where to put it. This is where it ended up and I love it :)

 This is my baby scrapbook I made. Complete with all their pictures, footprints, birth dates and times and pictures of their burials. Pretty happy with how it turned out.

Mugs in my kitchen :) Found these at Hobby Lobby and decided they were perfect for my kitchen. I couldn't find shelves for them that would work (They are pretty wide mugs). So my wonderful hubby made these for me and I painted them. Go us! :)

P.S.-Can you tell I like polka dots? :)

What did the Hispanic Fire Chief call his two deputies? Jose and Hose B :)

So I wanted to update you all on how my "Happy Goal" is going. I am proud to say that it is going well.  Over the past couple weeks I have been consciously counting my blessings and trying to relish in the everyday moments that make life so wonderful. (I've even been practicing REAL smiles in the mirror) :) I have become a little more dedicated and focused on school. I got a job that is also helping to keep me busy. I have sewed a couple projects I have wanted to finish and have been helping my sister sew her senior prom dress. Little things like that have done wonders in helping me realize that I do have talents and that I CAN accomplish things.  Maybe I can't carry children, but by golly I can sew! :)

However, I have run into a problem that I find so frustrating. In those moments where I recognize that I am happy, I almost immediately feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty for feeling happy? I guess because on some level I feel like it is betraying the memory of what happened. Like being happy minimizes what I have been through. Which sounds so silly when I say it out loud. I feel like being happy means  I have forgotten about my children. Even though I never could forget them. But what woman could be happy when she carries around that memory?

Maybe I should look at the positive. It's okay to be happy. It doesn't mean I have forgotten about them, or that I don't still care or think about it everyday. But no one ever said I am required to be sad the rest of my life because I have buried my four children. I am allowed to enjoy the things I am experiencing in life, right? I guess another part of me wonders what other people must be thinking if they see me smiling and laughing. Do they think I'm heartless?

I don't know. I think this is part of learning how to be happy again. One day at a time, right? All I know is that slowly, but surely, I am getting there. And if I don't always feel happy, "fake it til you feel it" right?

Fumbling My Way to Happiness

This will be short, sweet, and to the point! (hopefully) I have decided it's time to be happy. Yup. A new goal of mine :) A week ago at a church function I kept hearing people tell me to "smile and be happy" Which at the time was so incredibly frustrating and annoying. I mean who are they to tell me to be happy? How about they live the last 6 months of my life and then tell me to smile and be happy? But as time went on I have come to appreciate the council.  They are right. It's time for me to be happy.  Not saying it will be easy and I won't still have hard days, but to be honest, I am so tired of being sad.

It has only been 6 months since the triplets, but in all reality I have been depressed for almost 2 years. I don't even know what it feels like to be happy anymore. I can't tell you the last time I smiled and laughed because I genuinely meant it. All my smiles are more automatic now, because I'm supposed to. And really, I don't even remember how to be happy. I don't remember what it feels like. And those brief times when I think I am happy, it feels silly. It feels foreign.

So here is a new goal of mine: Learn how to be happy. Life is a blessing. We are so blessed. Life is worth living and it's about time I learn how to enjoy it again :) Wish me luck!

Stuck

Well, it has been awhile since I posted and I have a lot of random thoughts so here it goes. This post won't have any deep thoughts or inspirational sentiments or insight. I wanted/needed to write today because....well I'm sad. I'm having a hard time. A really hard time. Where to start?

It has been about 5 months since the loss of the triplets and my leaving the hospital. I have heard that after a traumatic event, you have your initial break down and hard times but semi recover and go back to your life after a few weeks or so. Then at about 6 months you snap and start the whole process over. Almost like a reliving of the traumatic event. Maybe I am having a hard time because I am getting close to being 6 months out. Who knows. All I know is that I am struggling and here is why....

It all basically comes down to one point: I am having a really hard time accepting where I am at in life right now. Last fall, after getting out of the hospital, I spent months just being at home, working on some projects, and spending time with family and friends. I wasn't enrolled in school, and didn't have a job. After all, I was supposed to be taking care of three babies so I hadn't really planned anything outside of the home. Well after some evaluating and soul searching I ended up back in school pursuing my Accounting degree once again. I am just completing my second week of school and am absolutely miserable. I don't want to be here. But if I wasn't here, what else would I be doing? I have absolutely no idea. Because what I WANT to be doing right now isn't really a possibility. Financially or physically. So here I am, doing what I SHOULD be doing. The SMART thing. Finishing school. Don't get me wrong, I have always wanted to go to college and get a degree and better myself. Having an education has always been important to me, because I want to know that I will have something to fall back on should anything happen to Justin. But mostly I want to feel a sense of accomplishment. (another thing I am struggling with). But do you know how hard it is trying to learn things like accounting law, annuities, and information systems when I would give anything to be at home with my kids? What I wouldn't give to be doing that mom stuff.

Last night I got rid of my Facebook. I've done this before and yet always find myself back on it within a few weeks. I am really hoping I can get through my withdrawals this time and be done with it for good. I am having a hard enough time accepting my child-free life without having to see another "look at my cute baby" or "look at my big belly" picture. All it ever does is make me more sad. For a long time I tried to convince myself that it didn't bother me, that I could easily be happy for others without it affecting how I was coping, but that's a lie. It sucks. I don't want to hear any more about your pregnancy. I don't want to see any more pictures of your baby. Harsh? Maybe. But how else am I supposed to be feeling? If anyone else knows how to make it all easier and how I am supposed to be feeling/acting, please share! Otherwise, please be patient and understanding of my sometimes rude/standoffish behavior. I don't not fawn all over your baby because I don't find them adorable, I don't do it because I know if I did I wouldn't be able to stop myself from crying and attempting to steal your child and never give them back. I don't attend your baby showers, but not because I'm not happy for you and don't want to share in your big day, but because I don't trust myself not to start bawling and make it uncomfortable for you and all your guests.

I am also in that gosh-awful phase where it's been long enough that everyone has returned to their normal lives and nobody is talking about it anyone, but at the same time it hasn't been long enough that I am okay or stable yet. I have good days, but when I have my bad days, I don't feel like I can ever say anything or talk about it. Why? Because we've moved on from last August. It happened and now it's over. Time to move on. Who wants to keep hearing about how sad I am? No one! And I don't blame them. It's awkward and uncomfortable. What do you say to someone like me? You can't make it better. You can't possibly understand. So all you you can do is sit there, but how does that help anything? I have learned long ago that it is best and easiest to be normal for everyone else's sake because normal people can't handle my depressed self. I have zero motivation to do anything. I used to watch what I ate and exercised everyday. Now? I eat sugar and chocolate all day and only put real clothes on when it's required of me. I have gained 5-10 lbs over the past few months, which may not seem like much, but on a 5'3" small frame it's noticeable. At least to me. Which only adds to my depression.

I spent way too much money over the past few months on stuff for our  house. Why? because shopping for new things makes me happy. It gives me something to do and it gives me something to look forward to. I also chopped all my hair off. It's gone. Why? because it was something new and fun to focus on for a few weeks. Now all that is gone and I am in a panic over what to do or what to buy next to keep my spirits up. I am in a constant search of that next "fix" that is going to make me happy and make me feel like life is worth living. Which is totally dangerous. I mean what crazy thing am I going to think of next?

The sad part is that I have such a wonderful and perfect husband and a wonderful family. They don't always know how to help or what to do and sometimes they make it worse, but by golly they love me and they try. I hate that I am a constant source of worry for them. I reassure them that I am fine because I don't want them to worry about how sad I am, or worry about how to make it better. Because try as they may, they can't fix it. They can't do anything to help and me being sad all the time just makes it worse for them. I am going to feel what I am going to feel, but I don't have to project that onto others who are helpless.

Oh, and just in case you are wondering, I never called the therapist.