Well, it has been awhile since I posted and I have a lot of random thoughts so here it goes. This post won't have any deep thoughts or inspirational sentiments or insight. I wanted/needed to write today because....well I'm sad. I'm having a hard time. A really hard time. Where to start?
It has been about 5 months since the loss of the triplets and my leaving the hospital. I have heard that after a traumatic event, you have your initial break down and hard times but semi recover and go back to your life after a few weeks or so. Then at about 6 months you snap and start the whole process over. Almost like a reliving of the traumatic event. Maybe I am having a hard time because I am getting close to being 6 months out. Who knows. All I know is that I am struggling and here is why....
It all basically comes down to one point: I am having a really hard time accepting where I am at in life right now. Last fall, after getting out of the hospital, I spent months just being at home, working on some projects, and spending time with family and friends. I wasn't enrolled in school, and didn't have a job. After all, I was supposed to be taking care of three babies so I hadn't really planned anything outside of the home. Well after some evaluating and soul searching I ended up back in school pursuing my Accounting degree once again. I am just completing my second week of school and am absolutely miserable. I don't want to be here. But if I wasn't here, what else would I be doing? I have absolutely no idea. Because what I WANT to be doing right now isn't really a possibility. Financially or physically. So here I am, doing what I SHOULD be doing. The SMART thing. Finishing school. Don't get me wrong, I have always wanted to go to college and get a degree and better myself. Having an education has always been important to me, because I want to know that I will have something to fall back on should anything happen to Justin. But mostly I want to feel a sense of accomplishment. (another thing I am struggling with). But do you know how hard it is trying to learn things like accounting law, annuities, and information systems when I would give anything to be at home with my kids? What I wouldn't give to be doing that mom stuff.
Last night I got rid of my Facebook. I've done this before and yet always find myself back on it within a few weeks. I am really hoping I can get through my withdrawals this time and be done with it for good. I am having a hard enough time accepting my child-free life without having to see another "look at my cute baby" or "look at my big belly" picture. All it ever does is make me more sad. For a long time I tried to convince myself that it didn't bother me, that I could easily be happy for others without it affecting how I was coping, but that's a lie. It sucks. I don't want to hear any more about your pregnancy. I don't want to see any more pictures of your baby. Harsh? Maybe. But how else am I supposed to be feeling? If anyone else knows how to make it all easier and how I am supposed to be feeling/acting, please share! Otherwise, please be patient and understanding of my sometimes rude/standoffish behavior. I don't not fawn all over your baby because I don't find them adorable, I don't do it because I know if I did I wouldn't be able to stop myself from crying and attempting to steal your child and never give them back. I don't attend your baby showers, but not because I'm not happy for you and don't want to share in your big day, but because I don't trust myself not to start bawling and make it uncomfortable for you and all your guests.
I am also in that gosh-awful phase where it's been long enough that everyone has returned to their normal lives and nobody is talking about it anyone, but at the same time it hasn't been long enough that I am okay or stable yet. I have good days, but when I have my bad days, I don't feel like I can ever say anything or talk about it. Why? Because we've moved on from last August. It happened and now it's over. Time to move on. Who wants to keep hearing about how sad I am? No one! And I don't blame them. It's awkward and uncomfortable. What do you say to someone like me? You can't make it better. You can't possibly understand. So all you you can do is sit there, but how does that help anything? I have learned long ago that it is best and easiest to be normal for everyone else's sake because normal people can't handle my depressed self. I have zero motivation to do anything. I used to watch what I ate and exercised everyday. Now? I eat sugar and chocolate all day and only put real clothes on when it's required of me. I have gained 5-10 lbs over the past few months, which may not seem like much, but on a 5'3" small frame it's noticeable. At least to me. Which only adds to my depression.
I spent way too much money over the past few months on stuff for our house. Why? because shopping for new things makes me happy. It gives me something to do and it gives me something to look forward to. I also chopped all my hair off. It's gone. Why? because it was something new and fun to focus on for a few weeks. Now all that is gone and I am in a panic over what to do or what to buy next to keep my spirits up. I am in a constant search of that next "fix" that is going to make me happy and make me feel like life is worth living. Which is totally dangerous. I mean what crazy thing am I going to think of next?
The sad part is that I have such a wonderful and perfect husband and a wonderful family. They don't always know how to help or what to do and sometimes they make it worse, but by golly they love me and they try. I hate that I am a constant source of worry for them. I reassure them that I am fine because I don't want them to worry about how sad I am, or worry about how to make it better. Because try as they may, they can't fix it. They can't do anything to help and me being sad all the time just makes it worse for them. I am going to feel what I am going to feel, but I don't have to project that onto others who are helpless.
Oh, and just in case you are wondering, I never called the therapist.
