As I have been looking forward to the coming year with excitement, I have been thinking a lot about my past. I recently came upon some old pictures of when I was a cheerleader. Yes, I was a cheerleader. It was only 3rd-5th grade though so you can't hold it against me :) As I was thinking back to those years of carefree life I was reminded how drastically different my life is than what I imagined it would be. How incredibly ignorant and naive I was... but I guess that is what childhood is supposed to be like right? I had never imagined my life playing out like it has. So I look back and feel sorry for the little girl that has no idea what is coming... I wish I could have prepared myself. So here are some things I would have told that little girl:
-You will get married much younger than you anticipated (but that was a good thing :)).
-You will not have children as soon as you thought you would.
-You will try to conceive for 15 months with no success and will need medical intervention to make that dream a reality.
-You will bury that child (this one is a doozy, for it truly blindsided me).
-You will carry a lot of guilt and feelings of inadequacy.
-You will feel isolated from everyone. Too young and childless to really fit in with those who have children. But experienced too much to really fit in with girls your own age.
-Sometimes while you are driving, you will look in the rear view mirror and pretend you are talking to a baby in its car seat the back seat.
-Sometimes while you are laying on the couch you will lay your hands on your belly just waiting and hoping you will feel some kind of movement.
-You will feel like you are going crazy.
-You will, for the first time, really struggle with your faith and what you have known to be true your whole life.
-You will have feelings of envy and resentment like never before.
-You will come to realize that there are many others like you out there who are suffering in silent pain too.
And some things I hope to add to that list soon:
-You will be a mother to living children.
-You will be happy again.
-You will learn to be happy with your new normal.
Thanks for reading :)
Us
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Coincidence?
The whole process/event of losing a baby is something I have been thinking about a great deal lately. I had no idea it was so common. It wasn't until I lost Emily that my eyes were opened to how many women have lost their children.
However, it wasn't until I lost Emily that several people I knew personally had lost their children as well. Just months after losing Emily my dear friend Susannah lost her daughter, and just last night my best friend's brother and his wife lost their baby at about 7 months. Something I had never before thought about, is something I am now surrounded with. It seems strange. I don't know if it is because I just did not notice it before or if there really has been an increase of loss in my little world. During a conversation with my best friend last night we discussed how ironic it is that women who do not appreciate their children, or do not take care of the children they have are able to get pregnant and have children like most of us breathe. And then there are those of us who want to be mothers so bad and have a good foundation and life to be raising children and we are left with nothing. It is so true that good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. So goes life. I have found that trying to make sense of stuff like that proves pointless. These are things we will never understand. All I can say is that I have faith the Lord will take care of us. He knows us better than anyone and knows what we need. Plus, we don't always know someone's circumstances and situations. Who is stay who "deserves" a baby and who doesn't?
The point I want to make with this post is how thankful I am having had gone through what I did with Emily. While I miss her everyday and it still makes me sad, I am now able to comfort and connect with women I would have never connected with before. I was able to comfort my friends who experienced the loss of their babies. If I had not lost Emily I wouldn't have come close to understanding them or being able to help them. I have also been able to "meet" and talk with women out in the blogging world who are just like me and feel the same things I feel. It still amazes me how strong these women are and how they went on to have such fulfilling and wonderful lives. I can only hope I will be able to heal and live a wonderful life as well.
I think I can honestly say the Lord knew what he was doing when Emily left us. Had it not been for that experience I would not be who I am today. I would still be in my naive bubble. It was/is painful but it has stretched me more than I could have ever imagined. So for that I am grateful. Thanks for reading!
However, it wasn't until I lost Emily that several people I knew personally had lost their children as well. Just months after losing Emily my dear friend Susannah lost her daughter, and just last night my best friend's brother and his wife lost their baby at about 7 months. Something I had never before thought about, is something I am now surrounded with. It seems strange. I don't know if it is because I just did not notice it before or if there really has been an increase of loss in my little world. During a conversation with my best friend last night we discussed how ironic it is that women who do not appreciate their children, or do not take care of the children they have are able to get pregnant and have children like most of us breathe. And then there are those of us who want to be mothers so bad and have a good foundation and life to be raising children and we are left with nothing. It is so true that good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. So goes life. I have found that trying to make sense of stuff like that proves pointless. These are things we will never understand. All I can say is that I have faith the Lord will take care of us. He knows us better than anyone and knows what we need. Plus, we don't always know someone's circumstances and situations. Who is stay who "deserves" a baby and who doesn't?
The point I want to make with this post is how thankful I am having had gone through what I did with Emily. While I miss her everyday and it still makes me sad, I am now able to comfort and connect with women I would have never connected with before. I was able to comfort my friends who experienced the loss of their babies. If I had not lost Emily I wouldn't have come close to understanding them or being able to help them. I have also been able to "meet" and talk with women out in the blogging world who are just like me and feel the same things I feel. It still amazes me how strong these women are and how they went on to have such fulfilling and wonderful lives. I can only hope I will be able to heal and live a wonderful life as well.
I think I can honestly say the Lord knew what he was doing when Emily left us. Had it not been for that experience I would not be who I am today. I would still be in my naive bubble. It was/is painful but it has stretched me more than I could have ever imagined. So for that I am grateful. Thanks for reading!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year!!
I am sure almost everyone around me has heard me express how excited I am to say goodbye to 2011 and HELLO!!! to 2012.
I am so excited that today is the 1st and no more waiting around for it to get here. Something wonderfully strange has happened to my outlook and attitude as I have welcomed this new year. The majority of 2011 was a blur and many months spent healing and trying to create my new normal. Since April I have been stuck in a place of not really being depressed but feeling like I will never be completely Happy again. I have tried and tried to feel like the old me but I almost feel as though that girl no longer exists.
So who am I? 2012 is my year to find out. To re-evaluate who I am and what I want. To create new goals and get to know myself all over again.
Some things I plan to accomplish this year include road biking, learning to play the piano, do a bit of travelling and spend as much time as I can cherishing my loved ones. I am getting sick of just thinking and talking about doing these things. It is time for action! I feel as though 2011 was a wasted year for me. So many months spent feeling lost with no real direction.
2012 is my year to take back my life. To be in control again. To find that direction. To find my happiness and joy again. No more floating from day to day just... existing. I am making 2012 all about me. Which may sound selfish but I feel it's necessary to get my life back on track. I am setting goals and going to accomplish them. I am going to rediscover my potential and learn what it feels like to be proud of myself again.
Part of this new journey to happiness will include making some changes. One of which is getting rid of my Facebook. I am doing this for several reasons. First, I spend too much time on Facebook. What a waste of time when I could be doing other things that are so much more productive! Some may say, "Don't get on as often" Well I know myself well enough to know I do not have the self-discipline for that. Another reason is, I have a bad habit of comparing myself and my life to other's. Which is bad. Life is not a competition or a race. I feel like in order for me to really focus on my life and all the blessings I have, I have to stop comparing my life to other's lives who seem so much more successful than mine. Sitting at the computer wishing my life were like theirs will get me nowhere. And finally, Facebook is painful for me. While I love all my family and friends and am genuinely, truly happy for their growing families, constantly seeing pictures and reading comments about pregnancies and babies and children is just simply painful. No matter how much I try to convince myself that it doesn't bother me, it really does. I need to stop torturing myself and move one.
I am really excited about the goals/changes I have in store for 2012. I am hoping to make this a wonderfully fulfilling year getting to know the new me. I am excited to smile more. And not the fake smiles, but the real ones. I am excited to laugh more. I am excited to just feel at peace and be content again.
And just maybe through this journey I will sort through my thoughts and feelings of the prospects of trying for more children. I am still in that spot where I am unsure how I feel about having children. I hoping that through my process of getting to know the new me I will rediscover my desire to be a mother and get rid of that fear that is stopping me. I have also realized that if I am going to be a good mother I need to be in a good place, so this year is all about getting to that place :) Wish me luck!
I am so excited that today is the 1st and no more waiting around for it to get here. Something wonderfully strange has happened to my outlook and attitude as I have welcomed this new year. The majority of 2011 was a blur and many months spent healing and trying to create my new normal. Since April I have been stuck in a place of not really being depressed but feeling like I will never be completely Happy again. I have tried and tried to feel like the old me but I almost feel as though that girl no longer exists.
So who am I? 2012 is my year to find out. To re-evaluate who I am and what I want. To create new goals and get to know myself all over again.
Some things I plan to accomplish this year include road biking, learning to play the piano, do a bit of travelling and spend as much time as I can cherishing my loved ones. I am getting sick of just thinking and talking about doing these things. It is time for action! I feel as though 2011 was a wasted year for me. So many months spent feeling lost with no real direction.
2012 is my year to take back my life. To be in control again. To find that direction. To find my happiness and joy again. No more floating from day to day just... existing. I am making 2012 all about me. Which may sound selfish but I feel it's necessary to get my life back on track. I am setting goals and going to accomplish them. I am going to rediscover my potential and learn what it feels like to be proud of myself again.
Part of this new journey to happiness will include making some changes. One of which is getting rid of my Facebook. I am doing this for several reasons. First, I spend too much time on Facebook. What a waste of time when I could be doing other things that are so much more productive! Some may say, "Don't get on as often" Well I know myself well enough to know I do not have the self-discipline for that. Another reason is, I have a bad habit of comparing myself and my life to other's. Which is bad. Life is not a competition or a race. I feel like in order for me to really focus on my life and all the blessings I have, I have to stop comparing my life to other's lives who seem so much more successful than mine. Sitting at the computer wishing my life were like theirs will get me nowhere. And finally, Facebook is painful for me. While I love all my family and friends and am genuinely, truly happy for their growing families, constantly seeing pictures and reading comments about pregnancies and babies and children is just simply painful. No matter how much I try to convince myself that it doesn't bother me, it really does. I need to stop torturing myself and move one.
I am really excited about the goals/changes I have in store for 2012. I am hoping to make this a wonderfully fulfilling year getting to know the new me. I am excited to smile more. And not the fake smiles, but the real ones. I am excited to laugh more. I am excited to just feel at peace and be content again.
And just maybe through this journey I will sort through my thoughts and feelings of the prospects of trying for more children. I am still in that spot where I am unsure how I feel about having children. I hoping that through my process of getting to know the new me I will rediscover my desire to be a mother and get rid of that fear that is stopping me. I have also realized that if I am going to be a good mother I need to be in a good place, so this year is all about getting to that place :) Wish me luck!
Friday, December 23, 2011
It's December...
Well, it's December. And has been for 23 days. For those of you who have read my earlier posts may remember that this is the month Justin and I had originally decided to go to the doctor and go back on Clomid. As it was coming up on December I kept waiting for that excitement to hit me, but it has yet to come.
I have already decided which doctor I want to see but I haven't decided when I will call. I don't want to go see the doctor simply because it is December if I am not feeling excited about it. I want to feel excited about having kids like I was last time when I went on the Clomid.
Now when I think about getting pregnant and having a baby all I feel is anxiety and feeling unsure. After we lost Emily I thought a lot about whether we were/are really ready to have children. While I had been pregnant I didn't have any doubts, but after she was born I wasn't so sure. I don't know why my feelings have changed. If you had asked me back in June or July I would have gone to see a doctor in a heartbeat because I felt more than ready to do the pregnancy thing again, but Justin and I had agreed that we should give it more time. Now that that time has passed, I am no longer feeling that excitement that would normally accompany an anticipated pregnancy.
I guess I am just waiting to feel the excitement and desire to be a mom again before I make my move and call the doctor's office. I have no idea how long that will take, could be next month, could be a few months...Anyone have any tips or suggestions to get back into that baby having mood?? Thanks for reading!
I have already decided which doctor I want to see but I haven't decided when I will call. I don't want to go see the doctor simply because it is December if I am not feeling excited about it. I want to feel excited about having kids like I was last time when I went on the Clomid.
Now when I think about getting pregnant and having a baby all I feel is anxiety and feeling unsure. After we lost Emily I thought a lot about whether we were/are really ready to have children. While I had been pregnant I didn't have any doubts, but after she was born I wasn't so sure. I don't know why my feelings have changed. If you had asked me back in June or July I would have gone to see a doctor in a heartbeat because I felt more than ready to do the pregnancy thing again, but Justin and I had agreed that we should give it more time. Now that that time has passed, I am no longer feeling that excitement that would normally accompany an anticipated pregnancy.
I guess I am just waiting to feel the excitement and desire to be a mom again before I make my move and call the doctor's office. I have no idea how long that will take, could be next month, could be a few months...Anyone have any tips or suggestions to get back into that baby having mood?? Thanks for reading!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Holidays Reconsidered
Well it is getting closer to Christmas and I have changed my outlook and attitude about this holiday season since my last post. After a bit of self pity I realized that this holiday season was going to happen whether I liked it or not and it would be much more pleasant if I didn't spend my time fighting against it.
I had a good talk with a former boss/friend of mine and realized there is a lot I could be doing this holiday season to bring joy and fulfillment even though we are without our Emily. I wanted to make this Christmas mean something. I wanted it to be a Christmas where I spent my time helping and blessing others instead of dwelling on how sad I was. So Justin and I decided to do the 12 days of Christmas for a few families in our church who have had a hard year. (Pretty sure they won't be reading this blog...so hopefully I didn't give away the surprise!) I know it's not much but I have really enjoyed getting the little gifts together and wrapping them all the while thinking about how happy we will make these families (hopefully!). It has really made the last couple weeks feel more festive and it had nothing to do with all the commercialism of Christmas, which I come to dislike more and more each year. Justin and I even put up our Christmas tree and hung our stockings :) I spontaneously decided the other day that Emily needed a stocking as well so I made her one. Turned out pretty cute I think :)
I have also decided to steal my former boss/friend's tradition and I am going to buy an angel tree ornament to put on the tree every year in honor of Emily. How wonderful it will be to see the angels multiply as the years go by. My mother started off the tradition by getting the first angel and giving it to me for my birthday.
Speaking of birthdays, my birthday is this week. I will be 23. I know for most of you reading this, you are thinking 23 is still young. Well to be honest, I feel old. When I think about how I will be 23, it doesn't seem correct. I feel like I should be turning 30. For that is how old I feel. This last semester being in school and associating with individuals my age made me realize how old I really feel. I would listen to their conversations and things they have going in their lives and I realize that I do not have much in common with them. The only thing we have in common is our age. I guess I need to be grateful that I am not yet 30 and I still have many years ahead of me. For now I am okay being the "old" 23. :) Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas!
I had a good talk with a former boss/friend of mine and realized there is a lot I could be doing this holiday season to bring joy and fulfillment even though we are without our Emily. I wanted to make this Christmas mean something. I wanted it to be a Christmas where I spent my time helping and blessing others instead of dwelling on how sad I was. So Justin and I decided to do the 12 days of Christmas for a few families in our church who have had a hard year. (Pretty sure they won't be reading this blog...so hopefully I didn't give away the surprise!) I know it's not much but I have really enjoyed getting the little gifts together and wrapping them all the while thinking about how happy we will make these families (hopefully!). It has really made the last couple weeks feel more festive and it had nothing to do with all the commercialism of Christmas, which I come to dislike more and more each year. Justin and I even put up our Christmas tree and hung our stockings :) I spontaneously decided the other day that Emily needed a stocking as well so I made her one. Turned out pretty cute I think :)
I have also decided to steal my former boss/friend's tradition and I am going to buy an angel tree ornament to put on the tree every year in honor of Emily. How wonderful it will be to see the angels multiply as the years go by. My mother started off the tradition by getting the first angel and giving it to me for my birthday.
Speaking of birthdays, my birthday is this week. I will be 23. I know for most of you reading this, you are thinking 23 is still young. Well to be honest, I feel old. When I think about how I will be 23, it doesn't seem correct. I feel like I should be turning 30. For that is how old I feel. This last semester being in school and associating with individuals my age made me realize how old I really feel. I would listen to their conversations and things they have going in their lives and I realize that I do not have much in common with them. The only thing we have in common is our age. I guess I need to be grateful that I am not yet 30 and I still have many years ahead of me. For now I am okay being the "old" 23. :) Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Holidays
My dear friend, Susannah, reminded me recently that it has been too long since I have posted on my blog. My response was, what do I blog about? I wanted my blog to be about my healing journey after Emily and our future attempts at Children. The last couple weeks I haven't felt or thought anything significant concerning either of these topics so I have kind of neglected my blog. I spent the last couple days trying to think of something about the whole Emily experience that I haven't touched on yet. Today I got my answer.
On my way to school this morning I stopped by the post office to check our mail. (we live in a small town where there are only p.o. boxes) I was mostly keeping my eye out for our electric bill because I knew it would be coming. To my surprise there was a letter from the Funeral Home we had used for Emily's service/burial. Not knowing what to expect I opened it and found an invitation the Funeral Home's Annual Memorial Christmas Tree ceremony. Apparently every year they decorate a tree in remembrance of all the loved ones that have passed away recently and they were inviting Justin and I to go and take part in this event and to put an ornament on the tree for Emily.
The last couple weeks as time has been inching closer to the Holiday Season I have not felt excited. At all. I keep feeling like I just want to skip Christmas all together. I am just not feeling very festive. Up until I received that letter today, I didn't think it had much to do with Emily. Now I know it has EVERYTHING to do with Emily. That letter made me start thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Emily would have been 8 months old (from the day she was born) or 4 months old (from her original due date) for her first Christmas. I hadn't yet thought about the upcoming holidays and how I was going to feel with Emily not being here. But there it was. This letter right in front of me and I suddenly became painfully aware of how lonely and awful this holiday season is going to be for me. I started thinking about what that would have been like. To decorate my house and get little presents for her to open and to take pictures of our first Christmas as a family. I suddenly felt very lonely and sad. I cried the whole way to school, but thankfully I was able to get myself under control before heading into class. It still amazes me how a completely ordinary morning can suddenly turn into a gut wrenching day.
I try to tell myself that the holidays will be wonderful anyway with all my family around and all the fun we have together. And it will be. But there will be this constant hole inside me, a constant feeling like someone is missing. The more I think about it, the more I want to go somewhere far far away this holiday season. Somewhere they don't celebrate Christmas.
Which sounds awful I know. I mean what is the whole reason we celebrate Christmas? To celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior right? Isn't that something in and of itself to be cheery and grateful for this season? Even though I will not be celebrating the birth of my precious daughter, I can still celebrate the birth of another baby and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.
But all in all, I am truly dreading this holiday season. It's too painful. I wish I could continue my day to day life of school where I don't have to think about it much. But with something like Christmas, it's like it's staring me in the face and I can't get away from it. I don't want to spend the next month and a half sad. Let's just skip it. Take me to January.
I haven't yet decided about whether or not to attend the Memorial Christmas Tree Ceremony. Maybe Justin will have a preference... Thanks for reading.
On my way to school this morning I stopped by the post office to check our mail. (we live in a small town where there are only p.o. boxes) I was mostly keeping my eye out for our electric bill because I knew it would be coming. To my surprise there was a letter from the Funeral Home we had used for Emily's service/burial. Not knowing what to expect I opened it and found an invitation the Funeral Home's Annual Memorial Christmas Tree ceremony. Apparently every year they decorate a tree in remembrance of all the loved ones that have passed away recently and they were inviting Justin and I to go and take part in this event and to put an ornament on the tree for Emily.
The last couple weeks as time has been inching closer to the Holiday Season I have not felt excited. At all. I keep feeling like I just want to skip Christmas all together. I am just not feeling very festive. Up until I received that letter today, I didn't think it had much to do with Emily. Now I know it has EVERYTHING to do with Emily. That letter made me start thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Emily would have been 8 months old (from the day she was born) or 4 months old (from her original due date) for her first Christmas. I hadn't yet thought about the upcoming holidays and how I was going to feel with Emily not being here. But there it was. This letter right in front of me and I suddenly became painfully aware of how lonely and awful this holiday season is going to be for me. I started thinking about what that would have been like. To decorate my house and get little presents for her to open and to take pictures of our first Christmas as a family. I suddenly felt very lonely and sad. I cried the whole way to school, but thankfully I was able to get myself under control before heading into class. It still amazes me how a completely ordinary morning can suddenly turn into a gut wrenching day.
I try to tell myself that the holidays will be wonderful anyway with all my family around and all the fun we have together. And it will be. But there will be this constant hole inside me, a constant feeling like someone is missing. The more I think about it, the more I want to go somewhere far far away this holiday season. Somewhere they don't celebrate Christmas.
Which sounds awful I know. I mean what is the whole reason we celebrate Christmas? To celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior right? Isn't that something in and of itself to be cheery and grateful for this season? Even though I will not be celebrating the birth of my precious daughter, I can still celebrate the birth of another baby and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.
But all in all, I am truly dreading this holiday season. It's too painful. I wish I could continue my day to day life of school where I don't have to think about it much. But with something like Christmas, it's like it's staring me in the face and I can't get away from it. I don't want to spend the next month and a half sad. Let's just skip it. Take me to January.
I haven't yet decided about whether or not to attend the Memorial Christmas Tree Ceremony. Maybe Justin will have a preference... Thanks for reading.
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