I am sure almost everyone around me has heard me express how excited I am to say goodbye to 2011 and HELLO!!! to 2012.
I am so excited that today is the 1st and no more waiting around for it to get here. Something wonderfully strange has happened to my outlook and attitude as I have welcomed this new year. The majority of 2011 was a blur and many months spent healing and trying to create my new normal. Since April I have been stuck in a place of not really being depressed but feeling like I will never be completely Happy again. I have tried and tried to feel like the old me but I almost feel as though that girl no longer exists.
So who am I? 2012 is my year to find out. To re-evaluate who I am and what I want. To create new goals and get to know myself all over again.
Some things I plan to accomplish this year include road biking, learning to play the piano, do a bit of travelling and spend as much time as I can cherishing my loved ones. I am getting sick of just thinking and talking about doing these things. It is time for action! I feel as though 2011 was a wasted year for me. So many months spent feeling lost with no real direction.
2012 is my year to take back my life. To be in control again. To find that direction. To find my happiness and joy again. No more floating from day to day just... existing. I am making 2012 all about me. Which may sound selfish but I feel it's necessary to get my life back on track. I am setting goals and going to accomplish them. I am going to rediscover my potential and learn what it feels like to be proud of myself again.
Part of this new journey to happiness will include making some changes. One of which is getting rid of my Facebook. I am doing this for several reasons. First, I spend too much time on Facebook. What a waste of time when I could be doing other things that are so much more productive! Some may say, "Don't get on as often" Well I know myself well enough to know I do not have the self-discipline for that. Another reason is, I have a bad habit of comparing myself and my life to other's. Which is bad. Life is not a competition or a race. I feel like in order for me to really focus on my life and all the blessings I have, I have to stop comparing my life to other's lives who seem so much more successful than mine. Sitting at the computer wishing my life were like theirs will get me nowhere. And finally, Facebook is painful for me. While I love all my family and friends and am genuinely, truly happy for their growing families, constantly seeing pictures and reading comments about pregnancies and babies and children is just simply painful. No matter how much I try to convince myself that it doesn't bother me, it really does. I need to stop torturing myself and move one.
I am really excited about the goals/changes I have in store for 2012. I am hoping to make this a wonderfully fulfilling year getting to know the new me. I am excited to smile more. And not the fake smiles, but the real ones. I am excited to laugh more. I am excited to just feel at peace and be content again.
And just maybe through this journey I will sort through my thoughts and feelings of the prospects of trying for more children. I am still in that spot where I am unsure how I feel about having children. I hoping that through my process of getting to know the new me I will rediscover my desire to be a mother and get rid of that fear that is stopping me. I have also realized that if I am going to be a good mother I need to be in a good place, so this year is all about getting to that place :) Wish me luck!
Us
Showing posts with label Children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Children. Show all posts
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Do You Have Children?
This has become my least favorite question. And not because I mind answering it, because I don't. Problem is, I don't know HOW to answer it.
This question is a simple one, I mean it is a pretty commonly asked question. You get into a casual conversation with someone, they ask if you are married. I say yes. Then naturally the next question is, do you have any kids? And I freeze. I feel sorry for those people who ask me this question. Mostly because I know it is going to make them feel awkward and uncomfortable. I often think in my head "don't do it, don't me ask me if I have kids" And then they ask. I don't mind talking about Emily. I like talking about Emily. She is, after all, my daughter right? So I could sit there all day and talk a strangers ear off about Emily, but we all know they don't want to hear about it. I could simply say "no" to make it easier and most simple for me and the person asking. But I hate doing that. It makes me feel like I am saying she doesn't exist. I could say "yes", but normally that is followed with more questions about the child.
Ironically, I have been asked this question more times since April than I have in the last 3 years since I have been married. And on every occasion I have answered differently. First time I was with my husband, the individual asked if we had kids and Justin said no. Which is fine, I would have been comfortable leaving it at that. But then more questions followed about the subject, so finally I said, "we actually have a daughter, but she passed away at birth." Then lots of apology followed. I wasn't in any way offended, I was simply trying to clarify. I felt more embarrassed and sorry for the individual than anything. The next few times was when I was at work. I used to, and still kind of do, work at the YMCA at the front desk. I have been there for four years so I am pretty familiar to the regulars who come in in the afternoons. Most of them noticed that one day, after I had been gone a couple weeks, that I wasn't pregnant anymore and not many of them said anything. One day, shortly after Emily was born, a gentleman came in, not a regular, and we got to chatting. It is pretty common at my job for people to stop and talk to me for long periods of time. I guess it gives them excuse to put of their workout for as long as possible. Anyway, he eventually asked if I had any children. I said very confidently, "I have a daughter". This time no more questions followed and he went on his merry way. So sometimes I don't clarify and just let strangers think that I am going home to my daughter at the end of the day. Doesn't make any difference really. I probably won't ever see these people again.
Another time at work I was reading a book, which I do frequently. Several members tease me regularly for being such a book worm. Oh well. Anyway, I was reading and a regular came by and asked me what my book was about. I told him it was about a woman who couldn't have children. So she found a young adult female and paid her for one of her eggs, and found another younger lady to be the surrogate (I didn't finish the book, it was weird). He kinda looked at me funny and said, "How old are you?" and I told him 22. And he asked, "You aren't trying to have kids are you?" and before I could answer he said "because you are too young to be thinking about having kids" and then he left. If only he knew... Situations like these really make me realize that we have no idea what it going on in someone's life and should never make assumptions about someone... I really hope I don't do that to people.
Another time was at church. A very sweet elderly gentleman, who I don't see very often, saw me sitting by Justin. Later he came over and was surprised to learn that I had been married for 3 years. He asked if I had any children. I said, "well...I have a daughter" and he could tell I was hesitant. My sister, who was sitting next to me had to clarify that she was "in heaven". The poor man felt really bad. Like I said, I mostly dislike this question because I know it is going to make the other person feel bad or make them feel awkward when I finally getting around to answering.
Another time was at my house. I had had a girls night where several girls came over. Some of them I knew really well, others not so much. Some of them knew about Emily, some of them didn't. Towards the end of the evening a girl asked me very innocently "so do you have kids?" she had been confused because I had made mention of Emily a few times and she didn't think I had children. I opened my mouth to say something and nothing came out. I just sat there and stared at her. She probably thought I had lost my mind, I mean how hard of a question is that? It's a simple yes or no question right? I finally said, "Yes...no...I don't know how to answer your question" Which then lead to me telling her the story. Which I didn't mind doing, but I hope it didn't make her feel bad or uncomfortable. Poor girl didn't know what she was getting herself into :)
Anyway, I know everyone asks this question out of simple curiosity or just to make conversation, which is completely fine. But even after six months, I am still trying to come up with a way to simply, yet accurately, answer that question without making people want to stick their foot in their mouth... Thanks for reading. I appreciate the response I have gotten so far :)
This question is a simple one, I mean it is a pretty commonly asked question. You get into a casual conversation with someone, they ask if you are married. I say yes. Then naturally the next question is, do you have any kids? And I freeze. I feel sorry for those people who ask me this question. Mostly because I know it is going to make them feel awkward and uncomfortable. I often think in my head "don't do it, don't me ask me if I have kids" And then they ask. I don't mind talking about Emily. I like talking about Emily. She is, after all, my daughter right? So I could sit there all day and talk a strangers ear off about Emily, but we all know they don't want to hear about it. I could simply say "no" to make it easier and most simple for me and the person asking. But I hate doing that. It makes me feel like I am saying she doesn't exist. I could say "yes", but normally that is followed with more questions about the child.
Ironically, I have been asked this question more times since April than I have in the last 3 years since I have been married. And on every occasion I have answered differently. First time I was with my husband, the individual asked if we had kids and Justin said no. Which is fine, I would have been comfortable leaving it at that. But then more questions followed about the subject, so finally I said, "we actually have a daughter, but she passed away at birth." Then lots of apology followed. I wasn't in any way offended, I was simply trying to clarify. I felt more embarrassed and sorry for the individual than anything. The next few times was when I was at work. I used to, and still kind of do, work at the YMCA at the front desk. I have been there for four years so I am pretty familiar to the regulars who come in in the afternoons. Most of them noticed that one day, after I had been gone a couple weeks, that I wasn't pregnant anymore and not many of them said anything. One day, shortly after Emily was born, a gentleman came in, not a regular, and we got to chatting. It is pretty common at my job for people to stop and talk to me for long periods of time. I guess it gives them excuse to put of their workout for as long as possible. Anyway, he eventually asked if I had any children. I said very confidently, "I have a daughter". This time no more questions followed and he went on his merry way. So sometimes I don't clarify and just let strangers think that I am going home to my daughter at the end of the day. Doesn't make any difference really. I probably won't ever see these people again.
Another time at work I was reading a book, which I do frequently. Several members tease me regularly for being such a book worm. Oh well. Anyway, I was reading and a regular came by and asked me what my book was about. I told him it was about a woman who couldn't have children. So she found a young adult female and paid her for one of her eggs, and found another younger lady to be the surrogate (I didn't finish the book, it was weird). He kinda looked at me funny and said, "How old are you?" and I told him 22. And he asked, "You aren't trying to have kids are you?" and before I could answer he said "because you are too young to be thinking about having kids" and then he left. If only he knew... Situations like these really make me realize that we have no idea what it going on in someone's life and should never make assumptions about someone... I really hope I don't do that to people.
Another time was at church. A very sweet elderly gentleman, who I don't see very often, saw me sitting by Justin. Later he came over and was surprised to learn that I had been married for 3 years. He asked if I had any children. I said, "well...I have a daughter" and he could tell I was hesitant. My sister, who was sitting next to me had to clarify that she was "in heaven". The poor man felt really bad. Like I said, I mostly dislike this question because I know it is going to make the other person feel bad or make them feel awkward when I finally getting around to answering.
Another time was at my house. I had had a girls night where several girls came over. Some of them I knew really well, others not so much. Some of them knew about Emily, some of them didn't. Towards the end of the evening a girl asked me very innocently "so do you have kids?" she had been confused because I had made mention of Emily a few times and she didn't think I had children. I opened my mouth to say something and nothing came out. I just sat there and stared at her. She probably thought I had lost my mind, I mean how hard of a question is that? It's a simple yes or no question right? I finally said, "Yes...no...I don't know how to answer your question" Which then lead to me telling her the story. Which I didn't mind doing, but I hope it didn't make her feel bad or uncomfortable. Poor girl didn't know what she was getting herself into :)
Anyway, I know everyone asks this question out of simple curiosity or just to make conversation, which is completely fine. But even after six months, I am still trying to come up with a way to simply, yet accurately, answer that question without making people want to stick their foot in their mouth... Thanks for reading. I appreciate the response I have gotten so far :)
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