Hello everyone :)
Just thought I would drop in and give a quick update since it has been awhile since I have posted anything. Life is good. Can't complain too much. School is going well and spring break is next week so that makes me happy :) Justin still loves his job and that makes me happy too :) As far as pregnancy goes, well still working on it :)
Currently 3 weeks late but no positive pregnancy tests. I am not real sure what to think about this. I was about 3 weeks late before I got a positive test with Emily so part of me thinks there may be a real possibility. I also keep telling myself that the ovulation and pregnancy tests I have been using are bogus since I got them off Amazon so I got a test from walmart and that one was negative too. So to be honest I am not real sure what day I am on or when I am supposed to start testing with the ovulation tests again....? Who knows. For now I am just assuming I am not pregnant because if I think otherwise I will just get my hopes up and we all know that always ends in disappointment. So until I see 2 lines I am not thinking anything. I have decided to just schedule an appointment with my doc for early April sometime and we will go from there.
We are also coming up on the 1 year anniversary of Emily's birth/passing. I am pretty nervous about this. I do not really know what to expect. I am planning on making a cake but other than that we do not have much planned. I would like to do something to make it memorable but I am not very creative. Any ideas? I could have a family thing but I'll just end up crying all day and who wants to see that? :)
Well that is all for now. Life is good and it is only going to get better (hopefully).
Thanks for reading :)
Us
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
It's Me Again...
It hasn't been that long since my last break down but I can already feel it starting to build again. It seems to follow me everywhere, even school. So many times the topic of parenthood or kids will come up and I just sit there.
In my marketing class my teacher started talking about blogs and she asked if any of us read or follow blogs, so I raised my hand to signal that I followed blogs. She then asked me what blogs I follow and what they were about. I felt frozen. I just sat there with everyone in class just staring at me. I felt so stupid. I finally said, "oh ya know, just a lot of random stuff, nothing specific". I really worried and wondered what the reaction would have been had I said, "infertility and loss". I shouldn't have raised my hand to begin with. Another time in the same class (my marketing teacher has three children and talks about them a lot) she asked if any of us were married so I raised my hand, she then asked if any of us had children, so I put my hand down and just sat there with a pit in my stomach. How strange it is that such a simple innocent question could cause so much inner turmoil. I so badly wanted to raise my hand, I so badly wished I could raise my hand and talk about my daughter.
I had the t.v. on tonight while Parenthood was on and toward the end of the show one of the characters who was expecting to take home a baby she was supposed to adopt after it was born, only it seems the mother has chosen to keep the baby. While I have never gone down the adoption road and I have no idea what that feels like and I am in no position to judge the adopter or the birth mother, watching the scene of her just crying over losing that anticipated adoption was so painful. I just cried. I never cry over television shows. Just the pain and sadness on her face was all too familiar.
I have also recently heard about a story where a man met a woman on the internet and they started dating and she got pregnant and the man got her to sign some papers she obviously didn't understand and when the baby was born, he took the baby to his wife and they proceeded to attempt to the adopt the baby... very strange... I am sure a large majority of the world thinks infertile women are crazy... we aren't crazy.
I often find myself conflicted when it comes to associating and communicating with pregnant women. 100% of me is genuinely happy and excited for them. There is no conscience hard feelings or feelings of bitterness. But there is always this knot that forms in my stomach when someone announces their pregnancy. I don't want it to. I want to be able to say congratulations and simply be happy for them. I don't understand this automatic uncomfortable reaction that happens that I can't control. It's like my body recoils at the thought or conversation about babies or pregnancies. And it drives me crazy. There are so many women I know who are pregnant and I love that they are pregnant, but I can't seem to get my body to just relax when the topic comes up....It has also become apparent to me that pregnant women sometimes have a hard time talking about their pregnancies with me... maybe they are worried that they will hurt my feelings if they talk about how happy and excited they are. I don't the reason. But I can understand where they are coming from. If I were on the other end I don't know how I would feel about talking about my pregnancy with me either. But it is just one more thing that makes me feel different and isolated. I would love to pretend that I am normal and I can talk about pregnancies with no problem. I try so hard.
Last Sunday during church a baby was handed to my friend and I while her mother was busy, and while my friend held this adorable baby girl I kept smiling at her and all she would do is look at me and cry. And it made me sad. Other than my nephew who is about 16 months old, I haven't held a baby since Emily was born. The thought of holding a baby is both terrifying and something I yearn for. Terrifying because I know it will be so painful, but something I ache to do because my arms feel so empty and heavy all the time. Church has also become something so conflicting for me. It provides so much peace and comfort, but at the same time it is extremely painful. The fact that I don't have children is so blatantly obvious to me while sitting in church. It's like it slaps me in the face every Sunday. How easy it would be to just stay away. How easy it would be to just stay in my own little world and not have to face all the happy families and all the little children and all the pregnant women. Why does the place that provides me with so much peace and comfort have to be the place that causes so many reminders and so much pain?
I just want it to end. I want the madness and craziness to end. I want to be normal. I want to stop feeling crazy.
In my marketing class my teacher started talking about blogs and she asked if any of us read or follow blogs, so I raised my hand to signal that I followed blogs. She then asked me what blogs I follow and what they were about. I felt frozen. I just sat there with everyone in class just staring at me. I felt so stupid. I finally said, "oh ya know, just a lot of random stuff, nothing specific". I really worried and wondered what the reaction would have been had I said, "infertility and loss". I shouldn't have raised my hand to begin with. Another time in the same class (my marketing teacher has three children and talks about them a lot) she asked if any of us were married so I raised my hand, she then asked if any of us had children, so I put my hand down and just sat there with a pit in my stomach. How strange it is that such a simple innocent question could cause so much inner turmoil. I so badly wanted to raise my hand, I so badly wished I could raise my hand and talk about my daughter.
I had the t.v. on tonight while Parenthood was on and toward the end of the show one of the characters who was expecting to take home a baby she was supposed to adopt after it was born, only it seems the mother has chosen to keep the baby. While I have never gone down the adoption road and I have no idea what that feels like and I am in no position to judge the adopter or the birth mother, watching the scene of her just crying over losing that anticipated adoption was so painful. I just cried. I never cry over television shows. Just the pain and sadness on her face was all too familiar.
I have also recently heard about a story where a man met a woman on the internet and they started dating and she got pregnant and the man got her to sign some papers she obviously didn't understand and when the baby was born, he took the baby to his wife and they proceeded to attempt to the adopt the baby... very strange... I am sure a large majority of the world thinks infertile women are crazy... we aren't crazy.
I often find myself conflicted when it comes to associating and communicating with pregnant women. 100% of me is genuinely happy and excited for them. There is no conscience hard feelings or feelings of bitterness. But there is always this knot that forms in my stomach when someone announces their pregnancy. I don't want it to. I want to be able to say congratulations and simply be happy for them. I don't understand this automatic uncomfortable reaction that happens that I can't control. It's like my body recoils at the thought or conversation about babies or pregnancies. And it drives me crazy. There are so many women I know who are pregnant and I love that they are pregnant, but I can't seem to get my body to just relax when the topic comes up....It has also become apparent to me that pregnant women sometimes have a hard time talking about their pregnancies with me... maybe they are worried that they will hurt my feelings if they talk about how happy and excited they are. I don't the reason. But I can understand where they are coming from. If I were on the other end I don't know how I would feel about talking about my pregnancy with me either. But it is just one more thing that makes me feel different and isolated. I would love to pretend that I am normal and I can talk about pregnancies with no problem. I try so hard.
Last Sunday during church a baby was handed to my friend and I while her mother was busy, and while my friend held this adorable baby girl I kept smiling at her and all she would do is look at me and cry. And it made me sad. Other than my nephew who is about 16 months old, I haven't held a baby since Emily was born. The thought of holding a baby is both terrifying and something I yearn for. Terrifying because I know it will be so painful, but something I ache to do because my arms feel so empty and heavy all the time. Church has also become something so conflicting for me. It provides so much peace and comfort, but at the same time it is extremely painful. The fact that I don't have children is so blatantly obvious to me while sitting in church. It's like it slaps me in the face every Sunday. How easy it would be to just stay away. How easy it would be to just stay in my own little world and not have to face all the happy families and all the little children and all the pregnant women. Why does the place that provides me with so much peace and comfort have to be the place that causes so many reminders and so much pain?
I just want it to end. I want the madness and craziness to end. I want to be normal. I want to stop feeling crazy.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Here We Go Again!
So today was my long awaited doctor's appointment with the new ob/gyn. I had a whole list with me and was more than prepared. I loved the smaller, low key office and all the nurses were wonderful. I absolutely loved the doctor and loved that she spent an hour just talking about everything. I can say that I am feeling 100% better about starting this whole process again. Part of me is even a little excited about the possibility of actually having a baby for real this time that I can keep! So for those family and friends out there, here is a little update about what I found out and where we are at right now...
My doctor agrees that I have PCOS, which was nice to have a second opinion on the matter. So no more guessing. The pain and weird things I was experiencing the last couple weeks was all typical of a ruptured cyst. It's gone now and everything is back to normal. well...my normal anyway. We talked about my history and my concerns for future pregnancies. She did tell me that the chances of me being able to carry full term with no problems is slim to none, given my history. She is thinking I have an incompetent cervix since there aren't any signs suggesting otherwise. Given my cycle history over the past 9 months, she thinks I may be ovulating on my own and wants me to chart the next couple months and use ovulation predictor tests to see if that may help. I am a little skeptical since I have never been able to get pregnant on my own... Oh well. If after two months I am not pregnant then we will go the Clomid route again since it worked so well last time. So we will see how the next couple months pan out!
Once we get a positive pregnancy test, I will meet with a high risk specialist and he will determine whether he wants to do a cerclage or something else. And then I guess just monitor me closely. So that is the game plan and I am feeling pretty good about it! I am just grateful for getting a doctor I am comfortable with and that I am feeling comfortable with the plan for the next few months. So hopefully I will have some good news for you all in the next few months! Here's to hoping! ;)
My doctor agrees that I have PCOS, which was nice to have a second opinion on the matter. So no more guessing. The pain and weird things I was experiencing the last couple weeks was all typical of a ruptured cyst. It's gone now and everything is back to normal. well...my normal anyway. We talked about my history and my concerns for future pregnancies. She did tell me that the chances of me being able to carry full term with no problems is slim to none, given my history. She is thinking I have an incompetent cervix since there aren't any signs suggesting otherwise. Given my cycle history over the past 9 months, she thinks I may be ovulating on my own and wants me to chart the next couple months and use ovulation predictor tests to see if that may help. I am a little skeptical since I have never been able to get pregnant on my own... Oh well. If after two months I am not pregnant then we will go the Clomid route again since it worked so well last time. So we will see how the next couple months pan out!
Once we get a positive pregnancy test, I will meet with a high risk specialist and he will determine whether he wants to do a cerclage or something else. And then I guess just monitor me closely. So that is the game plan and I am feeling pretty good about it! I am just grateful for getting a doctor I am comfortable with and that I am feeling comfortable with the plan for the next few months. So hopefully I will have some good news for you all in the next few months! Here's to hoping! ;)
Friday, February 3, 2012
When to say "enough is enough"
So I had a kind of break down this morning over finances. We are broke, we are always broke. Us and everyone else out there right? My husband is a firefighter and while the benefits are decent and it's a stable job and he loves what he does, let's face it, firefighters don't make that much money. And since I have yet to finish school, we are kind of on a tight budget. No surprise there.
So recently I have been pretty excited/anxious about going to my doctor appointment on Monday to start the whole "figure out what's wrong with me and maybe try the whole pregnancy thing again" thing. But after a quick mental survey of our finances, I am not so excited anymore.
I am really beginning to wonder if finding out what is wrong with me is really worth it financially. I just keep wondering where the line is between pursuing having children or keep putting us more in debt in medical bills? Justin and I would like to buy a house. In the near future if at all possible. And while I would never outright decide to put off having kids just so we can buy a house, I feel continuing to pile on the bills just isn't smart. Sometimes I wonder if I should just lay off this whole process, give it a rest for a year or so until we catch up and save up some money and maybe try again. But could I live with myself and be happy for the next year if that's what we decide to do? Or would I spend that year moping and depressed because I am not doing what I would really like to do?
I find it so frustrating because I keep wondering why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to be so darn complicated and have to spend so many more dollars on a process that so many other women find effortless? We should be saving money right now and be planning for our future and instead I feel like we are stuck in the same rut, with all our extra pennies spent on pursuing children and the end is nowhere in sight. So maybe it's time to take a breather?
Or maybe not, maybe we will end up continuing this process and just get ourselves into debt like all the other millions of americans out there. Is the end result of a baby worth it? Where is the cut off? Where is that dollar limit where you finally say "I just can't afford it anymore"? Or is there no limit? Is there no dollar limit to obtaining a baby? I don't know. I don't have any answers. I just know being broke stinks...
So recently I have been pretty excited/anxious about going to my doctor appointment on Monday to start the whole "figure out what's wrong with me and maybe try the whole pregnancy thing again" thing. But after a quick mental survey of our finances, I am not so excited anymore.
I am really beginning to wonder if finding out what is wrong with me is really worth it financially. I just keep wondering where the line is between pursuing having children or keep putting us more in debt in medical bills? Justin and I would like to buy a house. In the near future if at all possible. And while I would never outright decide to put off having kids just so we can buy a house, I feel continuing to pile on the bills just isn't smart. Sometimes I wonder if I should just lay off this whole process, give it a rest for a year or so until we catch up and save up some money and maybe try again. But could I live with myself and be happy for the next year if that's what we decide to do? Or would I spend that year moping and depressed because I am not doing what I would really like to do?
I find it so frustrating because I keep wondering why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to be so darn complicated and have to spend so many more dollars on a process that so many other women find effortless? We should be saving money right now and be planning for our future and instead I feel like we are stuck in the same rut, with all our extra pennies spent on pursuing children and the end is nowhere in sight. So maybe it's time to take a breather?
Or maybe not, maybe we will end up continuing this process and just get ourselves into debt like all the other millions of americans out there. Is the end result of a baby worth it? Where is the cut off? Where is that dollar limit where you finally say "I just can't afford it anymore"? Or is there no limit? Is there no dollar limit to obtaining a baby? I don't know. I don't have any answers. I just know being broke stinks...
Friday, January 27, 2012
Random..
Okay so this post will probably contain a lot of different random things. I just wanted to give some friends/family a quick update. School has started and so far so good. I have had a lot on my mind and other things going on that I feel like I haven't really been paying attention as much as I should. But I will get there :)
This past week has been crazy hectic and exhausting trying to figure out what has been going on with me. About a week ago I started feeling weird stirrings and tightenings down in my lower right abdomen/uterus area. It didn't hurt but felt strange. Monday it remained all day and started to feel uncomfortable. Justin had me concerned that it was my appendix so at about 11 pm, after not being able to sleep, we headed to the ER. They ruled out my appendix and and ectopic pregnancy (this one made me laugh, as if I could be pregnant, I mean really?) I wasn't experiencing any other symptoms and the pain wasn't extreme and since I knew I had cysts on my ovaries, the doc assumed it was a cyst that was inflamed or something. So we left the ER at about 5:30 that next morning and needless to say I skipped class and slept. The pain didn't change much Tuesday, still there, still annoying, but no other symptoms. I took the pain pills the doc gave me and they didn't do squat. Wednesday the pain increased and started radiating to my right hip/side and to my lower back, by Wednesday night I hurt so bad, but still no other symptoms. I had read it was common for women with inflamed cysts to use a heat pack and that made them feel better so I headed to bed with my heating pad and it helped a tad but I was still hurting too much to sleep. I was wide awake all night just hurting. Come morning I got ready for school, even though I was exhausted I didn't want to miss another day of school. So as I am sitting in class my pain is going crazy and I get reallly nauseous and light headed and broke out into a cold sweat and my limbs turned to jello. This definitely wasn't normal so once I was out of school Justin and I went back to the ER. We waited 3 hours and I still wasn't close to seeing the doctor. My pain was starting to subside and I had a paper due that night that I hadn't started so we left. I figured if it gets bad again I can always go back.
I have an appointment with my new ob/gyn in about a week and a half and these are things I will talk to her about. This feels differently than things I have felt with PCOS before and I am concerned it might be something like endometriosis. With those of you who have endometriosis, please give me any info or experiences you have and whether you think this sounds like it? Please and thank you!
So something else that happened this week is I started bike training with Rufus Racing. Wahoo! I am finally starting this process and I am really excited :) I know I will lose every race but I am going to do it! They also convinced me to start swimming, but mostly just for good cross training and a more well rounded exercise regimine. Plus it will help me swim better because I only dog paddle right now lol
Also, I had a dream last night that I had a daughter. In this dream it was like she just came to me over night and she was already a year old or so. Through this whole dream I kept thinking, "I don't want to be a mom yet" or "I feel nothing for this child". And I am pretty sure this dream summed up my fears I have been having in general about this whole trying thing again....maybe I will feel better after my ob/gyn appointment...
Also, congratulations to my sister in law who had her baby the other night! She is beautiful and I can't wait to meet her!!
Okay there is my randomness for the day. Have a good weekend and thanks for reading!
This past week has been crazy hectic and exhausting trying to figure out what has been going on with me. About a week ago I started feeling weird stirrings and tightenings down in my lower right abdomen/uterus area. It didn't hurt but felt strange. Monday it remained all day and started to feel uncomfortable. Justin had me concerned that it was my appendix so at about 11 pm, after not being able to sleep, we headed to the ER. They ruled out my appendix and and ectopic pregnancy (this one made me laugh, as if I could be pregnant, I mean really?) I wasn't experiencing any other symptoms and the pain wasn't extreme and since I knew I had cysts on my ovaries, the doc assumed it was a cyst that was inflamed or something. So we left the ER at about 5:30 that next morning and needless to say I skipped class and slept. The pain didn't change much Tuesday, still there, still annoying, but no other symptoms. I took the pain pills the doc gave me and they didn't do squat. Wednesday the pain increased and started radiating to my right hip/side and to my lower back, by Wednesday night I hurt so bad, but still no other symptoms. I had read it was common for women with inflamed cysts to use a heat pack and that made them feel better so I headed to bed with my heating pad and it helped a tad but I was still hurting too much to sleep. I was wide awake all night just hurting. Come morning I got ready for school, even though I was exhausted I didn't want to miss another day of school. So as I am sitting in class my pain is going crazy and I get reallly nauseous and light headed and broke out into a cold sweat and my limbs turned to jello. This definitely wasn't normal so once I was out of school Justin and I went back to the ER. We waited 3 hours and I still wasn't close to seeing the doctor. My pain was starting to subside and I had a paper due that night that I hadn't started so we left. I figured if it gets bad again I can always go back.
I have an appointment with my new ob/gyn in about a week and a half and these are things I will talk to her about. This feels differently than things I have felt with PCOS before and I am concerned it might be something like endometriosis. With those of you who have endometriosis, please give me any info or experiences you have and whether you think this sounds like it? Please and thank you!
So something else that happened this week is I started bike training with Rufus Racing. Wahoo! I am finally starting this process and I am really excited :) I know I will lose every race but I am going to do it! They also convinced me to start swimming, but mostly just for good cross training and a more well rounded exercise regimine. Plus it will help me swim better because I only dog paddle right now lol
Also, I had a dream last night that I had a daughter. In this dream it was like she just came to me over night and she was already a year old or so. Through this whole dream I kept thinking, "I don't want to be a mom yet" or "I feel nothing for this child". And I am pretty sure this dream summed up my fears I have been having in general about this whole trying thing again....maybe I will feel better after my ob/gyn appointment...
Also, congratulations to my sister in law who had her baby the other night! She is beautiful and I can't wait to meet her!!
Okay there is my randomness for the day. Have a good weekend and thanks for reading!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Get Me Off This Ride
Grief has no expiration date. This is a depressing conclusion I came to last night. I know most of you are thinking "well, duh!". But to be honest this came as kind of a surprise. I have been on a sort of "high" the last few weeks. I have been so caught up with new goals and plans and school starting and a positive outlook that I honestly have not thought about Emily that much. I was really feeling like I was getting to that "good place" where I have fully accepted what happened and am ready to move ahead with an optimistic attitude.
Well, I think I was wrong. I had a break down last night. It really came out of nowhere. There wasn't even anything that brought it on either. The hubs and I had gone to bed and he fell asleep quickly, like he normally does and I was just laying there unable to sleep. So with the whole night ahead of me and nothing taking up my attention, I started thinking. And remembering. And next thing you know I'm crying and can't stop. I've thought about things a lot this morning (I probably should have been paying attention to my teachers...) and have come to a more realistic conclusion of what is happening. I am a real life Jekyll and Hyde. Or maybe a split personality is more accurate.
There is part of myself that most people would consider normal. I am generally happy and excited about goals and plans and am generally excited about my future and life in general. I go to school, I exercise, I spend time with family and friends and am a productive member of society. This is the self most people come in contact with when they associate with me.
Then there is my other self. Who is always in pain. Who struggles to get out of bed every morning. Who just wants to sleep so I don't feel anything. Who still doesn't understand why it had to happen. Who just wants to cry all the time and who thinks about Emily and babies in general constantly. This self is always there.
So I spend the majority of my time being happy/normal while constantly forcing my depressed self out of my mind. I don't like thinking about it and remembering it because it is too painful. It physically hurts and I have to remind myself to breathe or I might pass out. Being happy and acting like life is normal seems so much easier than having to relive April 19th over and over in my mind. So I ignore it. But it is exhausting. Constantly fighting an internal battle of wanting to be happy and having part of you that is always hurting is just exhausting.
So, similar to a shaken soda bottle, the pressure builds and I eventually break down. Every few weeks I have to allow myself to remember and think and hurt or I may go crazy. These times are always by myself, since I feel weird getting emotional and crying in front of people.
Following these break downs is usually a few days of feeling nothing. A feeling of numbness. Then within a few days I am back to "normal". Being happy and enjoying life, not thinking about Emily, until the pressure starts to build again. And so the cycle continues.
So last night during this break down I thought about the cemetery where Emily is buried and realized I really couldn't remember the last time I visited her grave. I am definitely ashamed to admit this. Every day, twice a day, I pass the road that goes to the cemetery and every day, twice a day, I think about Emily's grave and every day, twice a day I think to myself "It's been awhile, you should stop and visit her grave." But, remember, I am trying to be happy and normal so I push it out of my mind and continue on my merry way to school or home. I am trying so hard to get to that "good place" and get to my "new normal".
I am realizing that it is not going to be as easy to get to that "good place" as I thought and it is pretty discouraging. I just want it to stop. I want off this emotional roller coaster. I don't want to forget about Emily but I want to feel like ME again. I want to be genuinely happy and at peace without constantly having to push my hurting self away. I want to be excited about the possibility of being a mom again. I want to be excited about the prospect of having children. Because right now it's just scary. I wish there was someone who could tell me "you will be ok and stop hurting on THIS day and THIS time". I wish grief had an expiration date. But alas, that is just not realistic.
At least I know that after last night's breakdown, I will be good for at least the next few weeks.
Well, I think I was wrong. I had a break down last night. It really came out of nowhere. There wasn't even anything that brought it on either. The hubs and I had gone to bed and he fell asleep quickly, like he normally does and I was just laying there unable to sleep. So with the whole night ahead of me and nothing taking up my attention, I started thinking. And remembering. And next thing you know I'm crying and can't stop. I've thought about things a lot this morning (I probably should have been paying attention to my teachers...) and have come to a more realistic conclusion of what is happening. I am a real life Jekyll and Hyde. Or maybe a split personality is more accurate.
There is part of myself that most people would consider normal. I am generally happy and excited about goals and plans and am generally excited about my future and life in general. I go to school, I exercise, I spend time with family and friends and am a productive member of society. This is the self most people come in contact with when they associate with me.
Then there is my other self. Who is always in pain. Who struggles to get out of bed every morning. Who just wants to sleep so I don't feel anything. Who still doesn't understand why it had to happen. Who just wants to cry all the time and who thinks about Emily and babies in general constantly. This self is always there.
So I spend the majority of my time being happy/normal while constantly forcing my depressed self out of my mind. I don't like thinking about it and remembering it because it is too painful. It physically hurts and I have to remind myself to breathe or I might pass out. Being happy and acting like life is normal seems so much easier than having to relive April 19th over and over in my mind. So I ignore it. But it is exhausting. Constantly fighting an internal battle of wanting to be happy and having part of you that is always hurting is just exhausting.
So, similar to a shaken soda bottle, the pressure builds and I eventually break down. Every few weeks I have to allow myself to remember and think and hurt or I may go crazy. These times are always by myself, since I feel weird getting emotional and crying in front of people.
Following these break downs is usually a few days of feeling nothing. A feeling of numbness. Then within a few days I am back to "normal". Being happy and enjoying life, not thinking about Emily, until the pressure starts to build again. And so the cycle continues.
So last night during this break down I thought about the cemetery where Emily is buried and realized I really couldn't remember the last time I visited her grave. I am definitely ashamed to admit this. Every day, twice a day, I pass the road that goes to the cemetery and every day, twice a day, I think about Emily's grave and every day, twice a day I think to myself "It's been awhile, you should stop and visit her grave." But, remember, I am trying to be happy and normal so I push it out of my mind and continue on my merry way to school or home. I am trying so hard to get to that "good place" and get to my "new normal".
I am realizing that it is not going to be as easy to get to that "good place" as I thought and it is pretty discouraging. I just want it to stop. I want off this emotional roller coaster. I don't want to forget about Emily but I want to feel like ME again. I want to be genuinely happy and at peace without constantly having to push my hurting self away. I want to be excited about the possibility of being a mom again. I want to be excited about the prospect of having children. Because right now it's just scary. I wish there was someone who could tell me "you will be ok and stop hurting on THIS day and THIS time". I wish grief had an expiration date. But alas, that is just not realistic.
At least I know that after last night's breakdown, I will be good for at least the next few weeks.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Working or Stay-at-Home Mother?
So during one of my last lazy days before I go back to school, I was watching the Anderson show. It was big debate between which is better, being a stay at home mom or being a working mom. I wanted to contribute to the conversation but the people on the television couldn't hear me, so I thought I'd get it out on my blog. :) Some really good points were made on each side and I tended to agree with everything to a certain extent. Here was the general concensus:
Working mothers viewed stay at home mom as lazy, hiding from responsibility, overweight/do not take care of themselves, selfish, etc.
Stay at home mothers viewed working moms as selfish, not as close to their children, neglectful, etc.
I found this all very interesting. Mostly because I am a firm believer in the fact that not ONE THING is the answer for everyone. Every woman is different and every child is different. We all have different personalities. So to say that everyone should be a working mother or everyone should be a stay at home mother is simply silly. I would think this is common sense. What I find the most silly is these women just assume their way is the best. That just because it works for them, that means everyone should do it that way.
I was raised by a stay at home and I loved it. I loved that she was always there, especially when I came home from school. As I was growing up I always thought I would be a stay at home mom as well. However, given the economy and the state of the current world, it is a little harder to live on one income today than it was years ago. I have enjoyed going to school and look forward to my future career, even if it is small. I look forward to being able to contribute to the livelihood of my family. I do not have any living children (yet), but I am sure it is difficult and takes up your whole day, so I do not think being a stay at home mom is any less busy than a working mom.
I truly believe raising your children is the most important thing you can devote your time to. Yes it is important to provide for your children and provide that stability, but being present in their lives is something that will have lasting effects for the rest of their lives. I do think it is important to be responsible and take care of your children's temporal needs, but to say being a stay at home mom is being lazy, I think, is ignorant.
I guess what I am trying to say is why does our society feel the need to decide which is "better"? Why does it matter? Mothers love their children and would do anything for them and want to take care of them. Whether that means working outside the home to provide for them or staying home to be with them is definitely an individual decision and frankly no one else's business!
Working mothers viewed stay at home mom as lazy, hiding from responsibility, overweight/do not take care of themselves, selfish, etc.
Stay at home mothers viewed working moms as selfish, not as close to their children, neglectful, etc.
I found this all very interesting. Mostly because I am a firm believer in the fact that not ONE THING is the answer for everyone. Every woman is different and every child is different. We all have different personalities. So to say that everyone should be a working mother or everyone should be a stay at home mother is simply silly. I would think this is common sense. What I find the most silly is these women just assume their way is the best. That just because it works for them, that means everyone should do it that way.
I was raised by a stay at home and I loved it. I loved that she was always there, especially when I came home from school. As I was growing up I always thought I would be a stay at home mom as well. However, given the economy and the state of the current world, it is a little harder to live on one income today than it was years ago. I have enjoyed going to school and look forward to my future career, even if it is small. I look forward to being able to contribute to the livelihood of my family. I do not have any living children (yet), but I am sure it is difficult and takes up your whole day, so I do not think being a stay at home mom is any less busy than a working mom.
I truly believe raising your children is the most important thing you can devote your time to. Yes it is important to provide for your children and provide that stability, but being present in their lives is something that will have lasting effects for the rest of their lives. I do think it is important to be responsible and take care of your children's temporal needs, but to say being a stay at home mom is being lazy, I think, is ignorant.
I guess what I am trying to say is why does our society feel the need to decide which is "better"? Why does it matter? Mothers love their children and would do anything for them and want to take care of them. Whether that means working outside the home to provide for them or staying home to be with them is definitely an individual decision and frankly no one else's business!
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