Adoption: Just Kidding?

I figured it was about time I updated on the adoption front, considering there are several of you who are probably thinking we have started the application process and eagerly awaiting our home study…right? Isn’t that what I alluded to in my last post?

Yeah, no. I guess I lied. Sorry. To be completely honest, we haven’t even made the phone call or filled out the application. Why are we dragging our feet you ask? It’s simple really, I’m not ready. I wish I were ready. I wish I was so excited and anxious to get started. I want more than anything to have that family. Instead, all I’m feeling is scared. I’m so incredibly terrified. Terrified that I will get my hopes up again, and terrified that I will only end up crushed and disappointed in the end. After all, each time I got excited about starting a family, it only ended in heartbreak.

I’ve read so many stories of couple who have adopted and that moment they get to first hold their baby, or when they get to take their baby home, and it makes me cry. EVERY. TIME. Because I want that. I want to experience that moment of someone handing me a baby and realizing I get to keep this one. But there are always those small “what if’s” that haunt my thoughts. What if the birth mom changes her mind? What if we wait for years and never get our chance? What if that child grows up and realizes they don’t want us for parents after all?

Really, I don’t know that I could handle the heartache. The possibility of being so utterly crushed is what I find so scary. I am mildly unhappy working full-time and starting my career, but it’s far better than the alternative. For right now, I’m comfortable being blissfully ignorant of the hard road ahead of us.

So while I long for my happy ending of bringing that baby home, I’m not ready to do what is necessary. So for now, this adoption thing has been placed on the back burner of my Life To-Do list. Bummer.

Next Stop: Adoption!

I'm doing it. I'm resurrecting the old blog. Not real sure if that is allowed in the blogging world....oh well :) As you can tell from the title, we are starting our crazy journey to adopt. Even while typing that out, it still doesn't feel real. Are we really doing this?

Let's back up a bit. About a year and a half ago, after we lost the triplets, we made the decision to give ourselves a break. We told ourselves we would wait about 2 years and allow me to finish school before revisiting the kid thing. Well, graduation is in 6 days! While that is certainly exciting, this looming adoption process has occupied more space and time in my mind.

So why did we decide to adopt? Well, ultimately it came down to 2 realistic options for us. We either try ourselves again, or adopt. I am so very tempted to try again and that thought never leaves my mind. There are so many what-ifs involved in that thought process. What if we can do it this time? What if we put the stitch in early? What if we could have a normal pregnancy and child this time? What if it could really work? We know it is possible that it could end successfully. However, would we be able to deal with ALL possible outcomes? Would we be willing to possibly bury number 5, if that is where our decision lead us? And the answer was no. While there will always be a chance that getting pregnant COULD be successful, we aren't willing to take that chance again. There are many days I tell myself I am willing to do it, that I want to try again, even if I have to spend the entire 9 months in a hospital, but since Justin is the voice of logic and reason in this situation, he always reminds me that that is a road we won't want to travel again. Thank goodness for my other half who has his head screwed on straight, because heaven knows mine isn't half the time :)

So many things go through my mind when I think about this road we are about to take. Too many to get out right now. But to sum up, I feel terrified, unprepared, unsure of myself, tired, and so darn excited. There are so many avenues we can take to adopt and after much discussion we have decided to go through the state. After we are licensed and our home study is done, we will also be placed on area OBGYN office lists, who facilitate private adoptions.

I do not know the first thing about the adoption process. I found the application I have to fill out and just looking at it made me want to throw-up, which can't be a good sign right? Hopefully the next time I see it I am feeling better and have my pen ready :)

But before I even get to the part of filling out the paper-work, step number one is mending my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It's no secret that we have had a trying time the past few years, and while I have always remained faithful and obedient to what I know to be true, my personal relationship and faith have seriously been lacking. I never wanted to be angry at my Heavenly Father for what life has dealt me, but surprise! That's where I have ended up, and it has been a hard process finding that peace and comfort I once felt on a daily basis. Learning how to turn to the Lord and find my humility in all this bitterness is a necessary step in what we are about to start. As I have pondered this process, I have realized more than anything that what we need most is guidance from our Heavenly Father. We will need him to help teach us patience, we will need him to help us make decisions when they come our way, and we will need his comfort in times of sadness and disappointment, because I know those times are coming. So as we do research on where to start, that is what I will be doing. Hopefully he has not given up on me.

Lastly, a big thank you to everyone in Justin and I's lives who have been nothing but supportive in our whole journey. Who have offered a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. We know we have such an amazing network and support group no matter what our future holds! So here we go, into the unknown....

It's Like Getting to the End of a REALLY Great Book..

I have been thinking about this post for a few weeks but life has been busy and I haven't really known how to say it. I am ready to retire my blog. I have thought several times since Emily's birthday about writing on my blog but my mind continues to be a blank about what to put on here anymore.

This blog has been my therapy for about a year and a half and it will be a hard chapter to close, but I truly feel like it is time for me to move on to the next phase of my life. I do not know when, how, or under what circumstances, but I do know Justin and I will have children one day. I can feel it down to my core, and for right now, that knowledge sustains me, and it is enough. I do not want to keep writing about the fact that I don't have children and the struggles that I deal with everyday because I don't want to dwell on it, I don't want to keep coming back to this fact about my life and use it as a crutch or a reason why I can't be happy. It is what it is and I feel like I am at a point where I can say I am okay with where I am at in life. I am peacefully content. The newness of my grief has passed and anything else I put on here would probably just be redundant. In all honesty, life is good. No, life is great. It has taken me down an unexpected road, one I never dreamed I would end up on, but it has still been great. I have been blessed beyond what I have needed.

I want to end my blog with letting everyone know that I love my Savior and I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. It has been my rock through all of my trials and has brought a peace and a healing I cannot adequately describe. I know my Heavenly Father knows me, even better than I know myself, and that he is aware of me and my daily struggles. I know he loves me and will continue to bless me and direct my life.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog and being so supportive of Justin and I and our journey.

Emily's 2nd Birthday

So Friday the 19th was Emily's second birthday. I had been looking forward to this day for weeks. I was excited to have a whole day dedicated to my sweet girl. It was nice to reflect and think about the day she was born and how far we have come since then. After all the focus on the triplets it was nice to have a day all about Emily. To be honest there was no sadness for me on Friday. I woke up and was excited to celebrate! I thought about what she would be like at two years old and wondered what she spent her day doing on the other side. I felt her presence throughout the day as she was always on my mind. It almost felt like she was with me all day excited to celebrate with us :)

We didn't do a whole family thing since Justin and I only had the afternoon together and most of my family was in school or working. This is what we did with our afternoon.....

I made a cake! It was super yummy! I'm no professional but pretty sure if Emily were here, she'd like it all the same :)

(Justin wanted a picture with me holding it.... I was slightly worried it was going to slide off the cutting board)

We went and picked out a dress. We went to a few stores in search of the perfect one. I was having a hard time finding one that was just right. We finally settled on this one.

We drove to the hospital to drop off the wrapped dress. I forgot to get a picture of us in the birthing center holding the bag. Darn. Last year we just dropped off the dress with no card or anything. This year I wanted whoever got the dress to have a better understanding of why they were getting it. So I wrote a little note on the card, something to the effect of, "Congratulations on your new baby girl! Two years ago our baby girl was stillborn. We hope you enjoy this gift as we remember her today. Best of luck from the Jensens." Oh how I wish I could have been a fly on the wall and seen their reaction when they opened the present. I hope they like it and get good use out of the dress :)

After leaving the hospital we went for an early dinner at a new steakhouse in town before Justin headed into work. So yummy! I ended up taking half my plate home.

On our way home we stopped and picked up flowers and took them to the cemetery. This was probably the hardest part of the day for me. I picked out the most fun, most bright flowers I could find. After all, it was a happy day :) Justin asked if I wanted to sing happy birthday but I didn't think I could manage so he sang a wonderful solo of happy birthday :) It was lovely.

My babies birthdays are by far going to become my favorite days of the year. What a wonderful day we had remembering our little girl. I often found myself smiling throughout the day just thinking about her and how glad we are to have her in our family. How we look forward to the day that we will all be able to celebrate together!!! 

Happy Birthday Emily LaNae! :)

When the Going Gets Tough... Create!

This post has been a long time coming. Last fall when I got out of the hospital I had so much free time on my hands and needed something to do. We had recently moved into our house and I was wanting to "cutsie" it up a bit. This is what happens when I am bored, or need a distraction. I come up with a project and throw myself into it. So here are just a few pictures of things I have worked on the last 6 months or so. Enjoy! :)

 My polka dot skirt, one of the few skirts that have color on them

 I used the same pattern for this skirt. I loved the style, but was wanting one that was a little more style-no color :)

 Key holder. Pinterest was my inspiration. Went and bought the frame and hooks, and used my cricut for the rest.

 These are the squares to my baby quilt I am making. I haven't finished stitching the foot prints and I have yet to pick out all my colors for the fabric. Hopefully I will finish it this summer!

 Also a pinterest inspiration-kinda.

 I don't even know where I got the idea for this. I woke up one morning and just pulling stuff out of my craft room to make something and this is what happened! I used my cricut and the dots are buttons.

 I have taken on a red, black, and brown polka dot theme in my kitchen and was needing something on my blank wall. I could never find anything in the store that would match well, so I bought frames and the rest was scrapbook paper I already had. Matches perfectly! :)

 These are the vinyl decals I have in my kitchen. It spans the top of the whole wall in my kitchen (this picture doesn't really do it justice). This was with the help of a friend of mine who I bounced ideas off of.

 These are the curtains I made for my back door in my kitchen.....I am still deciding whether i like them or not. This is the second set I have made and still can't decide..

 This was a mirror we had in our bedroom. My mother in law gave me the decal saying when we went out for Christmas and I was having a hard time deciding where to put it. This is where it ended up and I love it :)

 This is my baby scrapbook I made. Complete with all their pictures, footprints, birth dates and times and pictures of their burials. Pretty happy with how it turned out.

Mugs in my kitchen :) Found these at Hobby Lobby and decided they were perfect for my kitchen. I couldn't find shelves for them that would work (They are pretty wide mugs). So my wonderful hubby made these for me and I painted them. Go us! :)

P.S.-Can you tell I like polka dots? :)

What did the Hispanic Fire Chief call his two deputies? Jose and Hose B :)

So I wanted to update you all on how my "Happy Goal" is going. I am proud to say that it is going well.  Over the past couple weeks I have been consciously counting my blessings and trying to relish in the everyday moments that make life so wonderful. (I've even been practicing REAL smiles in the mirror) :) I have become a little more dedicated and focused on school. I got a job that is also helping to keep me busy. I have sewed a couple projects I have wanted to finish and have been helping my sister sew her senior prom dress. Little things like that have done wonders in helping me realize that I do have talents and that I CAN accomplish things.  Maybe I can't carry children, but by golly I can sew! :)

However, I have run into a problem that I find so frustrating. In those moments where I recognize that I am happy, I almost immediately feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty for feeling happy? I guess because on some level I feel like it is betraying the memory of what happened. Like being happy minimizes what I have been through. Which sounds so silly when I say it out loud. I feel like being happy means  I have forgotten about my children. Even though I never could forget them. But what woman could be happy when she carries around that memory?

Maybe I should look at the positive. It's okay to be happy. It doesn't mean I have forgotten about them, or that I don't still care or think about it everyday. But no one ever said I am required to be sad the rest of my life because I have buried my four children. I am allowed to enjoy the things I am experiencing in life, right? I guess another part of me wonders what other people must be thinking if they see me smiling and laughing. Do they think I'm heartless?

I don't know. I think this is part of learning how to be happy again. One day at a time, right? All I know is that slowly, but surely, I am getting there. And if I don't always feel happy, "fake it til you feel it" right?

Fumbling My Way to Happiness

This will be short, sweet, and to the point! (hopefully) I have decided it's time to be happy. Yup. A new goal of mine :) A week ago at a church function I kept hearing people tell me to "smile and be happy" Which at the time was so incredibly frustrating and annoying. I mean who are they to tell me to be happy? How about they live the last 6 months of my life and then tell me to smile and be happy? But as time went on I have come to appreciate the council.  They are right. It's time for me to be happy.  Not saying it will be easy and I won't still have hard days, but to be honest, I am so tired of being sad.

It has only been 6 months since the triplets, but in all reality I have been depressed for almost 2 years. I don't even know what it feels like to be happy anymore. I can't tell you the last time I smiled and laughed because I genuinely meant it. All my smiles are more automatic now, because I'm supposed to. And really, I don't even remember how to be happy. I don't remember what it feels like. And those brief times when I think I am happy, it feels silly. It feels foreign.

So here is a new goal of mine: Learn how to be happy. Life is a blessing. We are so blessed. Life is worth living and it's about time I learn how to enjoy it again :) Wish me luck!

Stuck

Well, it has been awhile since I posted and I have a lot of random thoughts so here it goes. This post won't have any deep thoughts or inspirational sentiments or insight. I wanted/needed to write today because....well I'm sad. I'm having a hard time. A really hard time. Where to start?

It has been about 5 months since the loss of the triplets and my leaving the hospital. I have heard that after a traumatic event, you have your initial break down and hard times but semi recover and go back to your life after a few weeks or so. Then at about 6 months you snap and start the whole process over. Almost like a reliving of the traumatic event. Maybe I am having a hard time because I am getting close to being 6 months out. Who knows. All I know is that I am struggling and here is why....

It all basically comes down to one point: I am having a really hard time accepting where I am at in life right now. Last fall, after getting out of the hospital, I spent months just being at home, working on some projects, and spending time with family and friends. I wasn't enrolled in school, and didn't have a job. After all, I was supposed to be taking care of three babies so I hadn't really planned anything outside of the home. Well after some evaluating and soul searching I ended up back in school pursuing my Accounting degree once again. I am just completing my second week of school and am absolutely miserable. I don't want to be here. But if I wasn't here, what else would I be doing? I have absolutely no idea. Because what I WANT to be doing right now isn't really a possibility. Financially or physically. So here I am, doing what I SHOULD be doing. The SMART thing. Finishing school. Don't get me wrong, I have always wanted to go to college and get a degree and better myself. Having an education has always been important to me, because I want to know that I will have something to fall back on should anything happen to Justin. But mostly I want to feel a sense of accomplishment. (another thing I am struggling with). But do you know how hard it is trying to learn things like accounting law, annuities, and information systems when I would give anything to be at home with my kids? What I wouldn't give to be doing that mom stuff.

Last night I got rid of my Facebook. I've done this before and yet always find myself back on it within a few weeks. I am really hoping I can get through my withdrawals this time and be done with it for good. I am having a hard enough time accepting my child-free life without having to see another "look at my cute baby" or "look at my big belly" picture. All it ever does is make me more sad. For a long time I tried to convince myself that it didn't bother me, that I could easily be happy for others without it affecting how I was coping, but that's a lie. It sucks. I don't want to hear any more about your pregnancy. I don't want to see any more pictures of your baby. Harsh? Maybe. But how else am I supposed to be feeling? If anyone else knows how to make it all easier and how I am supposed to be feeling/acting, please share! Otherwise, please be patient and understanding of my sometimes rude/standoffish behavior. I don't not fawn all over your baby because I don't find them adorable, I don't do it because I know if I did I wouldn't be able to stop myself from crying and attempting to steal your child and never give them back. I don't attend your baby showers, but not because I'm not happy for you and don't want to share in your big day, but because I don't trust myself not to start bawling and make it uncomfortable for you and all your guests.

I am also in that gosh-awful phase where it's been long enough that everyone has returned to their normal lives and nobody is talking about it anyone, but at the same time it hasn't been long enough that I am okay or stable yet. I have good days, but when I have my bad days, I don't feel like I can ever say anything or talk about it. Why? Because we've moved on from last August. It happened and now it's over. Time to move on. Who wants to keep hearing about how sad I am? No one! And I don't blame them. It's awkward and uncomfortable. What do you say to someone like me? You can't make it better. You can't possibly understand. So all you you can do is sit there, but how does that help anything? I have learned long ago that it is best and easiest to be normal for everyone else's sake because normal people can't handle my depressed self. I have zero motivation to do anything. I used to watch what I ate and exercised everyday. Now? I eat sugar and chocolate all day and only put real clothes on when it's required of me. I have gained 5-10 lbs over the past few months, which may not seem like much, but on a 5'3" small frame it's noticeable. At least to me. Which only adds to my depression.

I spent way too much money over the past few months on stuff for our  house. Why? because shopping for new things makes me happy. It gives me something to do and it gives me something to look forward to. I also chopped all my hair off. It's gone. Why? because it was something new and fun to focus on for a few weeks. Now all that is gone and I am in a panic over what to do or what to buy next to keep my spirits up. I am in a constant search of that next "fix" that is going to make me happy and make me feel like life is worth living. Which is totally dangerous. I mean what crazy thing am I going to think of next?

The sad part is that I have such a wonderful and perfect husband and a wonderful family. They don't always know how to help or what to do and sometimes they make it worse, but by golly they love me and they try. I hate that I am a constant source of worry for them. I reassure them that I am fine because I don't want them to worry about how sad I am, or worry about how to make it better. Because try as they may, they can't fix it. They can't do anything to help and me being sad all the time just makes it worse for them. I am going to feel what I am going to feel, but I don't have to project that onto others who are helpless.

Oh, and just in case you are wondering, I never called the therapist.

Therapy

I think it is time to seek professional help. Yep. I said it. I may need therapy. I honestly feel like I have been able to process and deal with the loss of our children over the past year and a half pretty well. I never before thought I would go down this road. However, over the past few weeks I have noticed aspects in my thought process that I know is not normal. Does this all have to do with just the loss of our children? Partially, but that’s not all of it. There are a few aspects of my life that I have never really been able to process and work through and I think the loss of our children has just magnified problems that have always existed. I know there is a problem, I know why I have this problem, and I know it’s not normal, but I am at a loss as to how to fix it. So I figure while I am making my way through the grieving process, why not deal with everything? Lay it all out there and fix me all at once? Work towards a new and improved Jessica 2.0!

You may be wondering why I am announcing to the world that I’m thinking about seeking professional help. I am kind of wondering that myself. I thought about why I have this blog in the first place. I wanted to start this blog not only to work through my feelings and experiences of infertility/loss, but to try to help others out there understand what this world is like. Infertility and loss touches many lives. Not only for those going through it, but for their friends and family members as well. Everything relationship a woman has is affected by infertility/loss and sometimes it is hard to navigate that dynamic. For awhile I thought I would keep this therapy idea private, that it was no one’s business whether I seek help or not, and to a certain degree that is true. But then I thought about why I wanted to keep it private and I realized that it was because I was embarrassed. Therapy has such a stigma attached to it. When people would mention it as an option for me over the past year and a half I would brush it off thinking, “yeah right, I don’t need to see a shrink.” As if deciding I needed to see a therapist would be admitting that I am not normal, that I am sick in some sense. But this fact is obvious to me now, I’m not normal, and that’s okay. I mean what is ‘normal’ anyway? So I finally decided to post this to my blog to help people realize that seeking help is okay! There is nothing wrong with those who do. Sometimes being able to process certain events is beyond our ability.

I may be a hypocrite in saying this though because after all, I have yet to make the phone call. I have been mulling it over in my mind for a couple weeks now but still haven’t picked up the phone. I don’t know what is stopping me. Maybe I’m scared? Maybe I am still fighting against the idea that I even need it? Who knows? I told Justin it is his job to keep me committed to this and not let me chicken out. I just need to find the courage and buck up and do it! Wish me luck!

Bekah's Poem

My little sister had the assignment to write a poetry book for school. I wanted to use one of her poems on my blog because it is about the loss of our kids. What I like most about it, is it is addressed to my late father who passed away almost three years ago. The reason I am posting it on my blog is that I have thought of my dad often through this whole process and wondered if he was near me, and how much he knows about my children and if they are together. So a big thank you to Bekah for letting me share her poem :)

Letters To The Grave
By Bekah

Hello Daddy.
Can you hear me?
Can you see the things I see?

My sister, your daughter
She's hurting, she's aching.
Her fragile heart just keeps breaking.

Why this has happened,
None of us know.
I try to be strong, but it's all a big show.

Those precious little souls,
Too pure to stay here,
They've gone to a perfect place and have nothing to fear.

Did you meet them,
In the palace above?
Did you console her when she needed your love?

What happens now?
She's all alone.
A huge hole in her heart is all she's ever known.

I stand on the side,
Watching her cry.
Her weak little voice, "why, why, why?!"

I feel so helpless.
What do I do?
I feel so lost and I desperately need you.

Please give me the strength
To lift her up.
And peace of mind in knowing my love will be enough.

I love you Daddy,
And so does she.
In our hearts forever you'll be.

Thanks Bekah :)

Numb

I think it is safe to say I have reached that all too familiar stage of feeling…Nothing. I wouldn’t consider myself sad, but I do not feel happy either. I feel fine. I don’t feel much. So am I making progress? If feeling nothing is better than being sad, then yeah I guess I am progressing.

I hate feeling nothing. I feel so detached, like I am operating through a fog where nothing really gets through to me. It has been awhile since I really cried, but I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed or smiled either. My smiles feel automatic, mechanic. I can’t remember the last time I was actually excited or invested in what is happening around me. I am just going through the motions, with no real interest in anything. (I sound like I could be on an anti depressant commercial). But I don’t feel depressed; I don’t spend my time sad. I go through my day like normal, a functioning member of society like everyone else.

What I find most frustrating is not feeling like myself. I look at pictures of Justin and I during our first 2 ½ years of marriage, before all the madness began, and I miss that girl. She was excited about her future and the possibilities were endless. The last two years have sucked that girl dry of any excitement toward the future. I feel like a little kid who just found out Santa isn't real. I feel like I am just existing, doing what I know I am supposed to be doing, but my heart is not in it. I have heard that I will never get that girl back, that I can never be the old me, because I have been forever changed. But I am not so sure I like the new version of me. She is numb, she is not excited about the future, she doesn’t laugh as much, she is not fun. I want the old me back.

This stage for me is the most frustrating. I would rather spend my time moping and crying than what I am doing now, because then I am actually FEELING something. Something is at least affecting me. It’s like I am on a hunt to find something that will produce some sort of feeling from me.

I don’t know how to fix it.

Remembering Details Part 2: Chloe and Daniel

As soon as we knew my water broke and people started showing up, I began to retreat back into myself again. I didn’t keep my eyes closed like with Braden but I couldn’t/wouldn’t look anybody in the eyes. My sister and mom were already so upset and I couldn’t stand to see the look of grief on their faces. I couldn’t look at them, because if I did I would lose it. It’s almost like I could pretend that it wasn’t happening, or avoid the situation if I didn’t look at anyone, but if I looked at their faces it became so much more real.

I remember my doctor finally coming in and how I was both glad and embarrassed to see her. She has always had such a good and comforting demeanor, but I had a hard time looking her in the eye also. I remember wanting to apologize that we had to bother her on a Wednesday evening. I remember wanting to apologize for what she was going to have to do. I am sure no doctor likes delivering babies too early. This was not going to be a fun and exciting delivery and I wanted to tell her I was sorry I didn’t make it. I also felt bad because she had tried so hard to get me these babies and my body was failing once again. I felt like I was disappointing the whole team of people who had taken care of me over the past month. I remember her telling me we were going to deliver the babies, how we were going to cry, and how we would get through it. Then she left the room to get ready. I remember the nurses wheeling me to a delivery room. I also remember cracking jokes as they were moving me. I don’t know why. I think I felt the need to let the people with me know that I was going to be okay, that this wasn’t going to break me. I think a lot of people were worried how I was going to get through this and I didn’t want them to worry about that. I don’t even know what I said, only that I kept saying funny things, trying to make the situation lighter and less awkward for everyone.

I got into the delivery room and I remember them putting a lot of fluid into my IV, which helped flush out the magnesium faster. The effects of the magnesium wore of quicker than usual which was nice. I was so grateful when I got the nurse I did during shift change. Her name was Bethany, she was a taller blonde. She had been my nurse many times in my month in the hospital and I liked her a lot. I was so glad she was going to be my nurse during this whole ordeal. She and Justin even had a little conversation about hunting season starting as we were waiting. I remember a male coming in to give me the epidural. I remember being so nervous about it. I wanted to go pain free this time, Emily and Braden’s births were not something I wanted to repeat. I remember having to sit on the edge of the bed so he could put it in. Justin had to stand in front of me and hold me up because I was still weak and drugged up and had little control over my muscles. I remember sitting on the bed swaying from side to side like I was on a boat and Justin having to hold me still. I remember kind of chuckling to myself; I thought it was funny that I kept swaying. They laid me back down and waited a half hour or so. My doctor came back in and told me she was going to remove the stitch. She told me she anticipated that baby B (which we were thinking was a boy) would come very quickly once she removed the stitch. I remember laying there hearing the clipping of the scissors and being grateful I couldn’t feel anything but movement and pressure. I remember my doctor saying, “Sorry Jess” over and over. From the time she removed the stitch all the way through the D and C of the placentas she kept apologizing. I assured her it was okay and that I wasn’t feeling too much.

Just as she thought, Baby C was ready to come as soon as the stitch was out. Once again people around me were telling me to push harder. And once again I thought, “I don’t want to”. How do you put your whole heart into and push with everything you have when you know your baby is not ready and won’t make it? How do you push hard enough when you want to keep your baby safe inside? I remember hearing the sniffles of my mom and sister crying and hearing my doctor tell me the baby was almost out. When baby B came out I opened my eyes and saw my doctor holding my baby with a confused look on her face. She looked over to my mom and sister and said, “This is a girl baby”. We all went, “what?” It didn’t make sense. Baby B was supposed to be Braden’s identical twin; it was supposed to be a boy. It was a bitter sweet surprise. We had our baby Chloe. My nurse laid Chloe on my chest and I was able to look at her. I remember thinking she looked a lot like Braden with Justin’s nose. My doctor waited to see if the last baby was ready to come, but my contractions started to slow down. I remember her walking to the side of my bed, telling me Chloe was beautiful, hugging me, and told me she was going to give us some time and left the room.

 I remember my mom and sister coming over to see her. I remember saying, “I just don’t understand” and allowing myself to cry for the first time since my water broke. We spent the next hour and a half looking at Chloe and watching my contractions on the monitor. I remember saying a prayer, asking my Heavenly Father to have pity on me and not allow this labor to drag on for hours. I wasn’t excited to deliver my last baby, but the anticipation of what I had to do was worse than actually doing it. I just wanted to be done. Heavenly Father heard my prayer and within a short time I felt a weird sensation all through my belly and a sudden “pop” of pressure. Within just a few minutes my doctor was in the room and Daniel was out in just a couple pushes. My nurse placed him on my chest as well and I just stared at him. He looked just like Emily. It was so weird to look at this baby, knowing it was a boy and a completely new person, but being reminded so much of Emily. I remember having Justin take him while my doctor had to deliver all three placentas. It wasn’t painful but it was uncomfortable. I think I was slightly tilted on the bed because the epidural was working better on my right side than my left side. I could feel cramp-like pain on my left side as she delivered placentas and did the D and C to get everything out. It was a weird sensation.

I remember thinking how relieved I was that I wasn’t feeling much of what she was doing. I had told her after Braden was born that no matter what circumstances, I wanted an epidural when we delivered the last two babies and I didn’t want drugs in my system that made my head all foggy. I had spent Emily’s and Braden’s births totally drugged up, my head so foggy and in physical pain that I felt like I couldn’t take full advantage of the time I had with them. Now here I was, having just delivered Chloe and Daniel, not in pain, no foggy head, with more clarity than I had with the other two and to be honest it was harder. I had no other variables to distract me. All I had this time was the emotional pain. It was so much more harsh and real.

I remember the nurses taking Chloe and Daniel and them putting Pitocin in my IV to get my uterus to contract. They took out the epidural and once the Pitocin was done they took my IV out and it was so nice not to be hooked up to anything. Justin went and got us Wendy’s. I think it was close to midnight by this time. I remember my nurse coming to tell me goodbye, she was going home. She gave me a hug, told me she was so sorry, thanked us for letting her be a part of our experience, gave me a kiss on the head and left. I remember how excited I was when my new nurse told me I could take a bath. After a month on bed rest with sponge baths and an occasional shower, this was going to be great. I remember trying to walk on my wobbly legs and with Justin’s help making it to the tub. It had jets and everything. After taking the relaxing bath and taking a couple strong pain pills, I was pretty comfy back in bed. Once I was situated and laying on my right side, Justin brought Chloe and Daniel over and laid them on the bed with me by my head. They smelled so good and were so cute together. I remember feeling overwhelmingly guilty. I just laid there and said I was sorry over and over in my head. By no fault of their own, my body failed them. There was nothing I could do for them and I felt so bad. I remember not wanting to let them go, but knew I had to. Like ripping off a band aid. I finally told Justin he could take them to the nurses. I remember him picking them up, kissing each of them and took them away. I just cried as he left. I didn’t know it was possible for a body to produce so many tears.

I know it is asking a lot of people to get through these long redundant posts. I mostly did this to preserve everything I still remember as I forget little things everyday. I think it will be nice to look back at these years from now and be able to read such a fresh account of what happened.

Remembering Details Part 1: Braden

The next couple posts have been a long time coming.  Almost every night for the last couple weeks I have replayed my time in the hospital and the birth of the kids in my head. I am already beginning to forget all the little things and details I want so badly to remember. I will probably end up saving all my posts from my blog so years from now I can reread them and remember all that happened. I know I already briefly told the story of Braden’s birth so some of this might be redundant, but mostly for myself I want to try to write down everything I can still remember.

The Sunday night before he was born, my family came to see me in the hospital. Justin had brought me spaghetti, which I was so excited about. I had read somewhere that spicy food can make you go into labor and Justin was worried he made the sauce too spicy. I remember after Braden was born him saying something like, “What if it was the spaghetti?” I assured him that that wasn’t the problem. I remember having a good visit with my family and being sad when they all had to leave. At least Justin got to stay with me that night since he didn’t have to work the next day. I think we turned the lights off somewhere between 10 and 11.

I woke up at about 2 am. I remember feeling uncomfortable, but nothing too bad. I couldn’t go back to sleep however and the pain began to increase. I woke Justin up and explained to him what I was feeling. I remember him saying, “If you aren’t going to call your nurse, I will”. I knew my nurse was awake and doing her job, but subconsciously I felt bad bothering her at 2 in the morning. But the pain was pretty intense at this point so I paged my nurse. I explained to her what I was feeling, how the pain was all in my back. I don’t remember my nurse’s name, only that she was a blonde with shoulder length hair and this was the first time she had been my nurse. She wrote it off telling me I was probably constipated. I remember thinking that was highly unlikely as I had never been constipated in my life and this pain was a little intense for me just to be constipated. She called both of my doctors around 3, both of which agreed I probably just needed to go to the bathroom. I remember feeling bad that my doctors had to be bothered at 3 in the morning and felt embarrassed I was having this little episode. I was convinced I didn’t need to go to the bathroom, but told myself my doctor’s knew what they were doing so I didn’t say anything. Besides, there were no contractions happening in my uterus.

I remember trying to go to the bathroom and the exact moment I realized what was happening. I sat in the bathroom for several minutes prepping myself for what was to come. I knew what was about to happen and I seriously debated whether I wanted to even tell my nurse. Maybe if I didn’t tell her what was happening I wouldn’t have to deliver him and keep him safe inside? I mean how do you tell your nurse you are delivering your baby when you don’t want to be delivering your baby? As soon as I told her what was happening, she and another nurse both checked me, told me they felt something, but it didn’t feel like a head. I think Braden was slightly breech. They call my doctors again, having my perinatologist come deliver.

At this point they are getting me prepped and wheeled into the operating room. I would be delivering naturally, but I had to be ready for my doctor to put in the cerclage right after the birth. I remember keeping my eyes closed and covering my face as I was wheeled to the OR. I did this for a couple reasons. The lights in the hospital were very bright and I had a hard time opening my eyes and I was able to concentrate on getting through the pain with my eyes closed. But mostly I kept my eyes closed because I was embarrassed and ashamed and couldn’t stand to look into the eyes of the nurses and doctors. I couldn’t handle the looks of sadness and pity they were giving me. I just wanted to disappear. As I was in the OR with my eyes closed, I remember hearing a lot of nurses talking about my condition and what they were going to do. I had several people getting me situated at once. They drew my blood twice, took my blood pressure, told me to sign stuff or when to move a certain limb. The only time I opened my eyes was when a nurse specifically told me to look at her. Being in labor, experiencing the pain, all while being prepped for surgery was a very strange experience.

I remember briefly seeing my perinatologist before I closed my eyes again. I remember he looked tired. I am guessing it was between 5 and 6 at this point. I remember wanting to apologize to him for having to come in at this gosh awful hour and do all this.

I remember the doctor having to reach up and help get Braden moved into position and the nurses and Justin telling me to push harder. I remember wanting to say, “I don’t want to”. I didn’t want to push harder or even push at all. I didn’t want to deliver this baby. How could I push harder knowing he wouldn’t make it as soon as he was out? I remember hearing them say he was out (my eyes were still closed). The sounds I heard after he was born were depressing. There was no crying. It was eerily quiet for awhile, the nurses only talking when they had to. They said it was a boy. I remember thinking, “A boy? That’s weird.” I had only ever had a daughter; it was weird to think I had a son now as well. I didn’t know this at the time, Justin just told me a few weeks ago, but I guess the doctor just put Braden in a bowl and passed it off to one of the nurses. That nurse and Justin took him and got him all wrapped up in a blanket so they could show him to me. I continued to lay there with my eyes closed, hearing my doctor talk to some of the nurses about how he was waiting to see what my body was going to do. The plan was to put in the cerclage, but only if my body didn’t try to deliver the other two. I remember him finally saying, “Okay let’s do this”. Justin quickly brought Braden over so I could catch my first quick glance of him. My eyes were still closed though and I remember Justin saying my name, telling me to look. I remember seeing him and immediately noticing his nose and how it looked like Justin’s. I remember another male voice telling me to breathe deeply and then I was out.

I woke up later that morning completely foggy and unable to move from all the drugs that were in my system. Braden was in our room with us and I remember having Justin help to roll me on my left side and lay Braden on the bed with me up by my head so I could see him. I remember thinking how different he looked than his older sister Emily. I was still in awe that I had a son.

Looking back I feel like the couple weeks following Braden’s birth were very unfair to him. The comment was made several times that now that Braden was out and the stitch was in, the remaining two had a better chance of making it. Like he was so easily discarded. We didn’t spend much time focused on Braden because we still had two babies to worry about. I wasn’t even there for his burial. I know it was no one’s fault given the circumstances, but I still wish we could have taken more time and care with him.

Purging Part II

My lovely MIL sent me a book recently entitled For They Shall Be Comforted, Grieving the Loss of A Child by Camille Call Whiting. It is a fairly quick read. There wasn't anything new in it that I haven't felt or thought about but it did wonders to realize that someone out there thought the same things I have. I found myself nodding emphatically to passages as I felt I could have written them myself. I even put stars next to the passages I really enjoyed and thought they would be a great way to express things I have felt/experienced.

"I wanted desperately for them to visit me in spirit form. I pleaded with Heavenly Father to allow just a few seconds of time for me to see my two children, just to know that they were together and doing well in the spirit world. I just knew that if only I could see them for a moment then I would be at peace. But they never came. I couldn't understand why they couldn't spare just a few moment for their mother, after I had given them life and been through immense pain in their behalf."

I was quite surprised when I first read this. I didn't necessarily want to see my children, but I have prayed fervently to feel their presence and feel them near. I remember a couple dreams I had about Emily shortly after her passing and what comfort that brought me! I know my children are real, and they exist somewhere, but I am having a hard time feeling like they are real. I have never heard them cry, I have no idea what they are like, I have no memories of them or their personality to fall back on. They seem more like an idea to me and I want so badly to feel like they are tangible beings. I just feel like if I could feel them close to me, or have a dream, like I did of Emily, they would become more real.

"Eventually, my anger faded, but it took longer for my guilty feelings about the anger to subside. Intellectually, I knew that anger was a necessary stage in grieving, but at the same time I felt that I should be above that. I was striving to be a righteous mother, wife, and person, and anger was unbecoming of someone like me."

This is something I have felt a lot of. Anger is natural in the healing process, but I don't want to be angry. I have never wanted to be angry. I am sad. It's not fair. But I never wanted this experience to turn me angry or bitter. I was not raised to be an angry individual or throw a tantrum when things don't go my way. I have always been taught to turn to the Lord and have faith when things got difficult and I don't always see where my anger fits in with that. How can I get direction and comfort from the Lord when I spend my time angry? But anger is a very real emotion that everyone has to go through when they are seriously grieving. I guess the important thing is to find balance between being angry, but not letting that anger consume me.

"Subconsciously, I felt there might be a problem with Ammon's arrival. I realized this afterward as I thought about the many worries I'd had that something would go wrong, almost as if they were hints toward the future.  The same thing occurred during Kija's pregnancy, except then I was very conscious of it."

This is something I experienced with both pregnancies. About a week before Emily was born I vividly remember thinking to myself, "Life has been really good to us the last couple years. The Lord has blessed us greatly.... It is about time something bad came our way..." And then she was born! And then with the triplets, I tried so hard to remain positive about the outcome. I tried to imagine what life was going to be like once we got all three babies home, but I could never imagine taking them home as a reality. I never could picture myself getting to take care of them or raise them. When I ended up back in the hospital the second time I knew what the outcome was going to be, despite every one's encouragement to stay strong and keep fighting.

"Grieving mothers are not thinking or feeling rationally. They may outwardly appear to be, but inside they are still battling the 'what ifs'."

The biggest "what if" that has consumed my thoughts is, what if we had chose to put the cerclage in early instead of waiting? I continue to kick myself over this. Had we put the cerclage in at 13 weeks, would I have even ended up in the hospital to begin with? Maybe Braden's water wouldn't have ruptured had we done it earlier. Maybe I would still be pregnant and my babies still alive. Are these thoughts rational? I don't know. I know it does me no good to ponder it, I will never know the answers, but I will probably wonder for the rest of my life what would have happened had we gone ahead with the cerclage when it was safer to do so.

"It may be easier to accept the death of a loved one when we know that we will be with them for eternity. But in some ways I think our knowledge of the gospel also makes grieving harder. It did for me, anyway, because we believe in a loving Father in Heaven who will grant blessings according to our obedience. If we pay our tithing, He will open the windows of heaven that there will not be room enough to receive the blessings. If we honor our father and mother, our days will be lengthened upon the earth. I thought that surely having a child should have been similar to these other commandments, with a promise of a healthy, living baby attached as a reward for obedience to the commandment to raise righteous families. It may be harder to come to peace with the death of a loved one when we know that we have tried our best to choose the right and to be a good person. To a grieving Latter-Day Saint mother, this makes no sense. Yet, our faith in Heavenly Father's plan and His love for us eventually persuade us to accept the reality of our lives-we are blessed for our righteousness, but we also need to be tried and tested."

This pretty much sums up what has been running through my head. Thanks for reading.

Purging Part I

Okay, I know my last post was supposed to be my last. But I have had so many thoughts swirling through my head the last couple weeks that I just need to get it all out. I have found that typing these things out is way easier than writing it down, which is why I have never been very successful at keeping up with my journal. I am not sure anyone will even see this. After all, everyone thinks I have stopped writing. But that is okay, this is more for me and my therapy than anything else. And who knows, maybe someone sometime will wander their way back to my blog and see this.

It has been about a week since my 2 week follow up appointment with my OB. I was very much looking forward to that appointment, because I really wanted to pick my OB's brain about Justin and I's circumstance and get some answers about whether or not I would ever be able to have children. I had gone into that appointment feeling optimistic, thinking my OB would be all for us trying again. If we got pregnant with just one baby, put the stitch in early, and hung me on my toes, I would easily make it to viability right? Well I was sorely surprised when she gave me a less than 50% chance of ever carrying a baby to viability. Yes, I have an incompetent cervix, but so do many women, and they get stitches and are fine the rest of their pregnancy, so why isn't that a possibility for me? Well apparently I have the weakest cervix any of my doctors have seen. I also go from perfectly fine to dilated very quickly. My OB also told me I would always have a chance of conceiving multiples as well since that is what happened last time. Yes, we got 2 from the Clomid, but we ended up with triplets because one split. I guess if it happened once, it can happen again. And with such a weak cervix, it is not really possibly for me to carry multiples.

I left my appointment feeling very discouraged. I was not expecting her to give me such a low probability of carrying a child. Justin thinks she probably thinks I can do it, but doesn't want to give me false hope. I am not so sure, her whole demeanor seemed worried about me getting pregnant again. We told her our plans to not use any contraceptive and just let nature take its course over the next couple years and she basically told me that that "scares her to death" because that could mean another pregnancy. I am not counting on getting pregnant without fertility drugs, but I guess crazier things have happened.

I have spent the last week thinking about what this means for us. I have spent my whole life thinking I would have children I would get to raise. That was my plan. Yes I would pursue school and get my degree, but that and my hobbies always took a back seat to what I really wanted to do with my life, which was to be a mother.  Never did I think I would be in a position to have to revamp my life plan. Justin and I have talked about adoption and that is a very real possibility for us now. Are we giving up on having children of our own? I don't know. Am I ready to pursue the adoption thing? Not yet. I definitely feel like Justin and I will have children. How those children come into our life, or when, I have no idea. But for now, we are taking a break. I am going back to school. I am going to finish school and start work before we come back to the baby thing. I am only 23 so we have time to focus on other things for the immediate future. I know this is the best thing for me, to heal physically and emotionally. Especially after the last couple years we have had. I am not really happy about waiting, but I know it's the right thing to do.

It has been three weeks since the birth of the Chloe and Daniel. I would say I am doing fairly well. I have my good days and my bad days. There are days I cry about everything and my heart physically hurts, and then there are days I hardly think about it. Physically I am all healed up, except my muscles, which I am slowly working to get back. I am not currently working or in school. I have to wait until January to get started on school. I am spending this semester finishing our house, catching up on my scrapbook, and a few other projects I have been wanting to get done. I am doing my best to just feel what I am feeling, without letting myself linger on the anger and unfairness of it all.

There will probably be another post coming, this one is long enough but my mind purging isn't quite finished. Thanks for reading, whoever you are.

Goodbye

So here it is. My final post. I promised a couple posts ago that I would finish out my journey before I ended my blog so here is my final update. I am not real sure where to start or what to say so I think I will just stick to the facts for now.

Last weekend I was sent home from the hospital and I was home a whopping 2 days before I ended up back in the hospital last Sunday. I was having some contraction-like pain and after being checked by my doctor, it was decided that I was going back on the magnesium and staying in the hospital until I had the babies. I had 2 1/2 weeks to go til my goal. I can't stress enough how much I hate hate hate  being on magnesium and anyone who has experienced it can tell you how awful it is. By Wednesday this last week I was so sick of feeling crappy, sick of the IV's, sick of being in a hospital bed, attached to all these wires and monitors and I had a break down. It was Wednesday afternoon I just started crying and just wanted to be done. The contractions were still coming no matter how much stuff they pumped in my body and the thought of sitting like that for two more weeks was more than I could handle. Justin was working that day, but I didn't care, I called him up bawling because I couldn't take it anymore and he came rushing from work and didn't leave my side. I finally calmed down from shear exhaustion and was just enjoying having him with me.

It was about 5pm and I was feeling another contraction coming on and felt something leaking. I called for my nurse to come help me get cleaned up, thinking I was just bleeding more. The nurse came in and informed us that she thought one of my waters had broke and she was going to call my doctor to come confirm. The next hour or so was spent with me laying perfectly still, trying not to get too worked up, holding Justin's hand and us just sitting in silence. I think we were too afraid to speak and neither of us knew what to say. We both knew what was coming and what was about to happen and there wasn't much we could do about it. I gathered all the strength and peace I could muster so I wouldn't start crying and freaking out. I wanted to wait to hear from my doctor of what the game plan was.

The next hours passed in a blur. My doctor came and informed us that it was indeed amniotic fluid and we would have to remove the stitch and deliver the two babies that night. They got my epidural in and as soon as my doctor removed the stitch, Baby B was born. The last couple weeks we had thought baby B was a boy so we were quite surprised when it was a girl that came out. We named her Chloe Elizabeth. My doctor wasn't sure how long it would take Baby C to come so she left the room and gave us some time to spend with Chloe. She was beautiful and looked a lot like her brother Braden that was born two weeks prior. I cried a little but in all reality was too exhausted and drugged up and wanted to hurry up and finish delivering Baby C. It only took about an hour and half before Baby C was ready to come. I know that sounds like awhile but it went by quickly. Baby C came easily and it was a boy. We named him Daniel James. He looked so much like his sister Emily who was born last year. It was almost like I was looking at the same baby.

They took the babies to get washed up and finger printed while my doctor delivered all three placentas and had to do a D&C to remove parts of placenta that hadn't come out. Boy was that so much fun...

All I can say is that at the time I was glad it was over. I just wanted to go home and curl up in a ball but they had to keep me over night. I remember finally being unhooked from all the tubes and monitors, Justin bringing me food and being able to take an amazing hot bath with jets that was so relaxing. Once I was back in my room in bed they brought Daniel and Chloe to us and we just spent time holding them and talking about them and crying. I thought holding Emily and letting her go was hard, and it was. But I can't even describe how it felt to lay there holding my two precious babies, knowing I had to let them go soon.

I felt so absolutely miserable and guilty. I kept looking at them feeling like I had let them down. That I had failed them. I am sure they wanted to be here so badly and I just couldn't make it two more weeks. They were born at exactly 22 weeks. 2 weeks from our goal. We were so close and had tried so hard but still came up short.

We were able to go home the following morning and the days since then has been spent sleeping and trying to recover physically. After being the hospital a month and having all kinds of drugs still in my system and all the pain that comes after delivery, my body has had a hard time getting its strength back. I still haven't talked to anyone, nor do I feel ready. I have no idea what to say to people. I don't have much to say honestly except that it sucks and I am sad, and scared of what my future holds now. I don't know where to go from here.

I haven't really dealt with the emotional grief yet, I keep putting it off until I feel better physically. We have the service planned for this coming Wednesday and I know there are hard times ahead and I will have to face it eventually, but for now I am choosing to ignore it until I am ready.

Grieving this time around will be so much more different than it was when Emily passed. After Emily there was still hope of children in our future and there was so much to say and ways to make myself feel better. I have no idea how to make myself feel better this time, the grief seems so much more magnified. Not only am I grieving three of my precious children, but I am also grieving the possibility of children for us. At least in the foreseeable future. It all seems so much more final this time around and I don't know how to handle that.

So there it is. The end of our journey. There will be lots of emotions and things to work through in the coming months and I could blog about it if I wanted, but I truly feel like now is the time to say goodbye and work through this in my own time. A big thank you to all of you who have followed our story and said prayers on our behalf. I don't know how to say thank you enough.

I know there are wonderful things in store for Justin's and my future and we will work through this and come out of it okay. Thanks for sharing in a small part of our life together.

Heading Home Tomorrow! and other random updates

Yes, you read that right, I get to go home tomorrow :) No more hospital prison for me!! I don't really have any more freedom, but instead of being trapped in a hospital bed I get to be trapped on my own bed/couch. I had no idea this was even an option for me until a few days ago and since then time has been DRAGGING!!! Justin and I are both nervous about me being at home now instead of under constant watch of the nurses, but there are many benefits as well. I have 1 appointment with my OB every week and 1 appointment every week with the perinatologist. So between two appointments a week and remaining on my contraction medication I think things should be okay. I am currently 21 weeks and still have several weeks before that "being able to breathe easier/viability" time.

Now for the other update. I had my 20-ish week anatomic ultrasound this morning and boy was it a crazy roller coaster I don't think I was ready to handle. I was excited to see the 2 remaining babies, mostly because I needed that renewed love, excitement, and determination to finish out this pregnancy. Since Braden was born I have had weird emotions concerning the remaining two babies. I have felt emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. I have not been convinced that I want to keep fighting for these two. I just wanted to be done. I instantly fell in love with Braden when he was born but I have yet to feel that love and dedication to the two that are still in there. I delivered a baby and I wanted to be done. I was really hoping that by seeing these two on the ultrasound and seeing them move around, it would get me excited about this pregnancy again and help me to get through the next several weeks.

During the ultrasound they discovered that Baby B's placenta is weird and small and the baby has really low amniotic fluid. Baby C is doing fine and its placenta and fluid is normal. There aren't any plans or ideas of what is going to happen at this point. The perinatologist just wants to do an ultrasound every week to see how Baby B develops and what is happening with its fluid. As if I didn't have enough to stress and worry over when I go home! I still have a month to go, worried about preterm labor and this stitch, and now every week I will be stressing over what they will find with Baby B and the placenta/fluid situation.

I was feeling more confident about the outcome until the ultrasound this morning. Now I am back to having no idea what will happen or how all this will play out. It's hard to get excited about this remaining pregnancy when I am not convinced I get to keep them. Gah! Somebody please reprogram my brain and allow me to only think positive, happy thoughts! So that's all the updates for now, it might be awhile before I update again.... we will see!

1 Gone, 2 To go

I am feeling a little more human and my head is beginning to clear a little from the events of the last week and I thought now would be a good time to update everyone.

Last I posted I was pregnant with triplets still, with Baby A's sack ruptured. A week ago tonight I went into labor and delivered Baby A (which was a boy and we named Braden Andrew). It was about 2 am when I had woken up in some discomfort and having to use the bathroom. As the next half hour progressed it got increasingly worse. I informed my nurse, and the next two hours were spent trying to get me to use the bathroom while I was having painful "contractions". It seemed every part of me was contracting and hurting except my uterus. That is why it took a couple hours before it was agreed that it might be labor. It was about 4 am when I attempted to use the bathroom and knew he was coming. My doctors were called and I labored for about two more hours. I delivered on the operating table with the perinatologist ready to put the cerclage in after Braden was born (if my body cooperated and didn't try to deliver the other two babies). The labor and delivery was painful but went fairly quickly. He was born about ten minutes after 6 am Monday morning. They told me it was a boy and let me get a quick glimpse of him before they put me under. Thankfully the doctor was able to put the stitch in without any major problems and the other two babies stayed safely inside. Several days following the delivery/cerclage I was pumped full of magnesium and kept in a slightly comatose state. Friday morning they took me off the magnesium and it has taken the last couple days for it to get out of my system and for me to be a bit more functional. Currently I am still pregnant with two babies, the cerclage hasn't given us any problems and I am about 3 weeks from viability.

Braden's birth was recorded as a live birth and we will be getting a birth certificate for him. Emily was further along in gestation but was stillborn. I was told Braden was still alive when he was born and moved a little bit while Justin was holding him. His burial was yesterday morning and I heard it was sweet but brief which is what we were wanting. He is buried on the same plot as his sister.

The last couple days as I have been "waking up" a bit I have been thinking a lot. I have decided that it is time for us to stop trying for children. At least through infertility treatments and procedures like we have been doing. Part of me wants to no longer be pregnant, go home and move on with the next chapter of my life, whatever that may be. I have to continuously remind myself that I am still pregnant with two babies and at the end of all of this I could still walk away with two living children. It is not a guarantee but it is a possibility. I have to really try to keep fighting and prepare myself for whatever is to come with these two babies.

Regardless of the outcome of all of this, we are done pursuing children. At least in the natural sense. I know there is always adoption and other avenues, but I am not even going to consider those options for a long time. The last couple years have been too trying and too focused on getting us a baby. It is time for a break physically and emotionally. I am done going through fertility treatments to purposefully get us pregnant knowing that my body probably won't cooperate long enough to have a viable baby. I think it's time to move on. This isn't to say that I won't get to raise these two babies or that other children won't enter our life at some point. I am only 23 and have many "mothering" years ahead of me.

As a result of being done with the fertility and baby attempts,  I have also decided to retire my blog. I had started this blog to process the loss of Emily and have an outlet as we continued to try for children. Deciding to move on with the next phase of my life includes letting this blog go. I will continue posting through the remainder of this pregnancy, I think it is only fair that I follow through with this experience and continue to update til the end. Once this pregnancy is over, whenever that may be, I will be done posting.

I am looking forward to whatever the following years hold for us, and I know that no matter what happens, I still have 4 beautiful children. We aren't childless, just waiting to be a family :) Thanks for reading and following us through this process.

Musings From my Hospital Room

Well it has been awhile since I have updated my blog. Now that I have a few moments by myself and a computer, I want to update everyone on the events of the last week and sort through some things that have been running through my mind the last few days.

So for a quick update. Last Tuesday, July 24 I went to my weekly ultrasound appointment to look at my cervix. I felt great that morning and assumed all was well since the previous week's ultrasound showed things looking great. A nurse did the ultrasound and I immediately saw that the screen looked differently. She left the room to go get the doctor and when my doctor saw the screen she informed me that I was heading to the hospital right then to go get my cervix stitched. The ultrasound was showing I was dilated to a 1. I was not at all concerned at this point. We had caught it early and I always knew a cerclage was a possibility.

Over the next several hours I got admitted into the hospital, told I would be there indefinitely, and pumped full of magnesium to calm my "irritated uterus" so the perinatologist could do the cerclage later that evening. He came to  talk to us before I was taken back and told us there was a 50/50 chance baby A's water sack could rupture during the procedure, but at this point there wasn't really an option, we were going to do it. My uterus didn't calm down and I was placed under general anesthesia instead of an epidural so my muscles would relax more. They told me later when I woke up that baby A's water sack had ruptured before the perinatologist could get the stitch in, so no stitch was placed. This was around 8 pm. My husband and I picked up little pieces of information and spent that first night under the impression that my body would go into labor soon, I would deliver baby A and we might have a chance of saving B and C. What a confusing night that was. I wasn't feeling much grief over A yet and still tried to focus on saving the other two.

The next morning my doctors came to visit and filled us in on some information that we had been missing. They told us baby A was still alive and doing fine and could continue to grow and thrive because B and C's water sacks were still providing the cushion it needed. Who knew! So crazy right? There was still a chance my body could go into labor over the next few days so they kept me on the mag and once they were convinced my body was stable and I wasn't going into labor, they moved me to a more comfortable room. So I have been here 8 days and so far everything is looking good! Over the past week I have gone from staying horizontal around the clock, a permanent catheter, IV medications, and sponge baths to being able to walk to the bathroom, take a real shower by myself, prop myself up to eat, no more IV fluids and I get to wear my own comfy clothes instead of the hospital gown! I am currently 80% effaced and dilated somewhere close to a 1. I was at a 2 but once baby A's water sack ruptured it took the pressure off and the cervix relaxed back thank goodness!

So I am currently 19 weeks, the docs want me to make it at LEAST another 5 weeks to viability. I am taking medications to keep from contracting and so far they are doing their job! We just have to keep me out of labor and all three babies could make it!

I've spent the majority of the last week staring at the monitor that is tracking my uterus activity and contractions. I feel any kind of cramp or tightening and my eyes are on the screen checking to see if it was a real contraction. But for the most part I am feeling pretty confident in my situation, no matter the outcome.

My prayers over the past week have not been for the babies but for my sanity. Is that insensitive? I don't know, but here is why. I have known from the very beginning that this pregnancy was risky. I also know that Heavenly Father knows and has a plan for these babies. I think he already knows whether he is going to let them stay or whether they are going to go be with their sister for the time being. I also know that these babies are mine, whether I get them in this life or whether I get them the same time as Emily is irrelevant. These babies are loved and being cared for and no matter what the outcome, I know they will be fine.

 I have more doubts about myself. Looking back I feel like I have processed, dealt with, and come to terms with the loss of Emily fairly well. I feel like I am in a good place as far as she is concerned. However, I am not real sure I can handle that again. I don't know if I can mentally handle burying three more babies. I worry that if I lose these babies I will snap. I not only will lose the babies, but I will lose my sanity, my faith, and my desire to have any more children. If I lose these babies I am not sure I will want to go through all the fertility, the risks and the loss all over again. I am coming up on my 24th birthday and I feel like that is too young to decide that I don't want to try for kids anymore, but I just don't know if I can handle it. So mostly I worry about being able to handle whatever is going to come our way over the next couple months. I feel like I should be preparing myself but how do you prepare for something like that? The only tearful break downs I have had since being in the hospital is when my mind plays out the birth and funeral of the three babies. Instead of seeing Emily's 1 casket I see three and I just can't handle it.

Sorry for the depressing thoughts. To be honest I really have been trying to stay positive. I really am very pleased with how far I have gotten and how well my body is cooperating. I truly feel like if it continues to behave we can make it to the end and that is what I focus on. I celebrate all the little bits of good news, even if it's just being able to walk to the bathroom! It is too early to feel down!

I am not sure when I will post again, hopefully not for awhile because that means nothing is happening!! Just know I will be laying in my hospital bed trying to be the best incubator I can for the little ones! Thanks for reading!!

Anxiety is Building!

Okay so I lied in my last post, it's been longer than I thought since I am finally writing again, but here it goes... The hubs and I decided not to go through with the cerclage at this point. Crazy? Maybe. We discussed how everything is going great and there are no signs of impending doom yet so why rush into it? Also, part of me really feels like losing Emily was due to preterm labor and not an incompetent cervix. I could be wrong, but that is what my gut is telling me. I truly feel like my cervix won't be an issue (as I'm currently knocking on wood...). I went to my doctor's appointment last Thursday totally expecting my doctor to not be happy with my decision. She was just as shocked as I was that the perinatologist even gave me an option. After going through my train of thought with her, it was decided that we would do bi-weekly ultrasounds of my cervix, just to monitor it. If it starts shortening, in goes the stitch. Then earlier this week I get a call from the perinatologists office wanting to know when to start scheduling ultrasounds of my cervix. Next to follow was several confusing phone calls between my perinatologist's office and my regular OB's office to decide how often I would be seen and whose office I would go to. The two offices decided I would be seen every week at my regular OB office. Remember, I am only about 15 weeks at this point, that is a lot of office visits and ultrasounds before the end of this pregnancy! I should be getting to know my OB office really well :)

Today I get to head to the hospital and pick up a jug to collect my pee in for the next 24 hours. Sounds wonderful right? lol Yeah I didn't think so either... And then when I return said jug, they get to stick me with a needle again and get more blood. How much blood do these people need? lol.... this wouldn't be that miserable if I didn't hate needles so much.

Our house is slowly coming together. Very slowly.... I have never felt so unmotivated in my life! My kitchen is functional, one bathroom is put together and my clothes are unpacked. What more do you need? So everything else is still sitting in boxes and it gets done little by little when the husband is home to help me.

So how am I feeling at this point in my pregnancy? Well, I am going to be completely honest. I am sick and tired. Tired of being sick and sick of being tired. That pretty much sums it up. I am still waiting for that second "feel good" trimester, but I am beginning to think the "feel good" part isn't coming...welcome to a triplet pregnancy right? I'm still sick all the time, still dry heave all night and can't sleep longer than a couple hours at a time because I have to get up and eat something. I'm almost like a baby myself :)

There have been days where I have been really discouraged. Just feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed and not wanting to do this anymore. I know I should just be enjoying this experience and be excited for these babies, but it's hard to feel that way when your head is stuck in a toilet most of the day and you can't get anything done.

I have also been feeling a lot of anxiety over what is going to happen later this pregnancy. Several times over the last few days I have thought to myself, "these babies have to come out somehow". I do not know when they will be coming or under what circumstances they will be coming. The only experience I have to fall back on is my labor and delivery with Emily and the thought of reliving that is more than I can handle. I know we will be doing a c-section this time, but that is causing just as much anxiety. I am really having to remind myself to exercise some faith that things will work out and stop spending my time worrying about the months to come. I have read so many birth stories of triplets and one thing I read over and over is how hard it was for the mother to leave the hospital without her babies and go home empty handed.... I almost chuckle to myself when I read this because I have been there, done that. That is probably the thing I am worried about the least. I have had the experience of leaving the hospital empty handed and I survived. The only difference this time, is I will be able to return to the hospital and see them often. That is something I didn't get to do with Emily. She wasn't waiting for me at the hospital to go visit her. So while it may be hard for me to leave the babies in the NICU, I think that is one hurdle I know I can handle.

One positive thought I keep coming back to, is that I am almost half way done with my pregnancy! So crazy right? I am coming up on 16 weeks and 32 weeks is my goal! I am half way there! I know I can make it :) There is an end in sight! Then the real craziness begins :) That is all for now. A big thank you to everyone who has been following this pregnancy and asking about our family's well-being :) The support has been tremendous and we are truly blessed :)