Adoption: Just Kidding?

I figured it was about time I updated on the adoption front, considering there are several of you who are probably thinking we have started the application process and eagerly awaiting our home study…right? Isn’t that what I alluded to in my last post?

Yeah, no. I guess I lied. Sorry. To be completely honest, we haven’t even made the phone call or filled out the application. Why are we dragging our feet you ask? It’s simple really, I’m not ready. I wish I were ready. I wish I was so excited and anxious to get started. I want more than anything to have that family. Instead, all I’m feeling is scared. I’m so incredibly terrified. Terrified that I will get my hopes up again, and terrified that I will only end up crushed and disappointed in the end. After all, each time I got excited about starting a family, it only ended in heartbreak.

I’ve read so many stories of couple who have adopted and that moment they get to first hold their baby, or when they get to take their baby home, and it makes me cry. EVERY. TIME. Because I want that. I want to experience that moment of someone handing me a baby and realizing I get to keep this one. But there are always those small “what if’s” that haunt my thoughts. What if the birth mom changes her mind? What if we wait for years and never get our chance? What if that child grows up and realizes they don’t want us for parents after all?

Really, I don’t know that I could handle the heartache. The possibility of being so utterly crushed is what I find so scary. I am mildly unhappy working full-time and starting my career, but it’s far better than the alternative. For right now, I’m comfortable being blissfully ignorant of the hard road ahead of us.

So while I long for my happy ending of bringing that baby home, I’m not ready to do what is necessary. So for now, this adoption thing has been placed on the back burner of my Life To-Do list. Bummer.

Next Stop: Adoption!

I'm doing it. I'm resurrecting the old blog. Not real sure if that is allowed in the blogging world....oh well :) As you can tell from the title, we are starting our crazy journey to adopt. Even while typing that out, it still doesn't feel real. Are we really doing this?

Let's back up a bit. About a year and a half ago, after we lost the triplets, we made the decision to give ourselves a break. We told ourselves we would wait about 2 years and allow me to finish school before revisiting the kid thing. Well, graduation is in 6 days! While that is certainly exciting, this looming adoption process has occupied more space and time in my mind.

So why did we decide to adopt? Well, ultimately it came down to 2 realistic options for us. We either try ourselves again, or adopt. I am so very tempted to try again and that thought never leaves my mind. There are so many what-ifs involved in that thought process. What if we can do it this time? What if we put the stitch in early? What if we could have a normal pregnancy and child this time? What if it could really work? We know it is possible that it could end successfully. However, would we be able to deal with ALL possible outcomes? Would we be willing to possibly bury number 5, if that is where our decision lead us? And the answer was no. While there will always be a chance that getting pregnant COULD be successful, we aren't willing to take that chance again. There are many days I tell myself I am willing to do it, that I want to try again, even if I have to spend the entire 9 months in a hospital, but since Justin is the voice of logic and reason in this situation, he always reminds me that that is a road we won't want to travel again. Thank goodness for my other half who has his head screwed on straight, because heaven knows mine isn't half the time :)

So many things go through my mind when I think about this road we are about to take. Too many to get out right now. But to sum up, I feel terrified, unprepared, unsure of myself, tired, and so darn excited. There are so many avenues we can take to adopt and after much discussion we have decided to go through the state. After we are licensed and our home study is done, we will also be placed on area OBGYN office lists, who facilitate private adoptions.

I do not know the first thing about the adoption process. I found the application I have to fill out and just looking at it made me want to throw-up, which can't be a good sign right? Hopefully the next time I see it I am feeling better and have my pen ready :)

But before I even get to the part of filling out the paper-work, step number one is mending my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It's no secret that we have had a trying time the past few years, and while I have always remained faithful and obedient to what I know to be true, my personal relationship and faith have seriously been lacking. I never wanted to be angry at my Heavenly Father for what life has dealt me, but surprise! That's where I have ended up, and it has been a hard process finding that peace and comfort I once felt on a daily basis. Learning how to turn to the Lord and find my humility in all this bitterness is a necessary step in what we are about to start. As I have pondered this process, I have realized more than anything that what we need most is guidance from our Heavenly Father. We will need him to help teach us patience, we will need him to help us make decisions when they come our way, and we will need his comfort in times of sadness and disappointment, because I know those times are coming. So as we do research on where to start, that is what I will be doing. Hopefully he has not given up on me.

Lastly, a big thank you to everyone in Justin and I's lives who have been nothing but supportive in our whole journey. Who have offered a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. We know we have such an amazing network and support group no matter what our future holds! So here we go, into the unknown....

It's Like Getting to the End of a REALLY Great Book..

I have been thinking about this post for a few weeks but life has been busy and I haven't really known how to say it. I am ready to retire my blog. I have thought several times since Emily's birthday about writing on my blog but my mind continues to be a blank about what to put on here anymore.

This blog has been my therapy for about a year and a half and it will be a hard chapter to close, but I truly feel like it is time for me to move on to the next phase of my life. I do not know when, how, or under what circumstances, but I do know Justin and I will have children one day. I can feel it down to my core, and for right now, that knowledge sustains me, and it is enough. I do not want to keep writing about the fact that I don't have children and the struggles that I deal with everyday because I don't want to dwell on it, I don't want to keep coming back to this fact about my life and use it as a crutch or a reason why I can't be happy. It is what it is and I feel like I am at a point where I can say I am okay with where I am at in life. I am peacefully content. The newness of my grief has passed and anything else I put on here would probably just be redundant. In all honesty, life is good. No, life is great. It has taken me down an unexpected road, one I never dreamed I would end up on, but it has still been great. I have been blessed beyond what I have needed.

I want to end my blog with letting everyone know that I love my Savior and I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. It has been my rock through all of my trials and has brought a peace and a healing I cannot adequately describe. I know my Heavenly Father knows me, even better than I know myself, and that he is aware of me and my daily struggles. I know he loves me and will continue to bless me and direct my life.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog and being so supportive of Justin and I and our journey.

Emily's 2nd Birthday

So Friday the 19th was Emily's second birthday. I had been looking forward to this day for weeks. I was excited to have a whole day dedicated to my sweet girl. It was nice to reflect and think about the day she was born and how far we have come since then. After all the focus on the triplets it was nice to have a day all about Emily. To be honest there was no sadness for me on Friday. I woke up and was excited to celebrate! I thought about what she would be like at two years old and wondered what she spent her day doing on the other side. I felt her presence throughout the day as she was always on my mind. It almost felt like she was with me all day excited to celebrate with us :)

We didn't do a whole family thing since Justin and I only had the afternoon together and most of my family was in school or working. This is what we did with our afternoon.....

I made a cake! It was super yummy! I'm no professional but pretty sure if Emily were here, she'd like it all the same :)

(Justin wanted a picture with me holding it.... I was slightly worried it was going to slide off the cutting board)

We went and picked out a dress. We went to a few stores in search of the perfect one. I was having a hard time finding one that was just right. We finally settled on this one.

We drove to the hospital to drop off the wrapped dress. I forgot to get a picture of us in the birthing center holding the bag. Darn. Last year we just dropped off the dress with no card or anything. This year I wanted whoever got the dress to have a better understanding of why they were getting it. So I wrote a little note on the card, something to the effect of, "Congratulations on your new baby girl! Two years ago our baby girl was stillborn. We hope you enjoy this gift as we remember her today. Best of luck from the Jensens." Oh how I wish I could have been a fly on the wall and seen their reaction when they opened the present. I hope they like it and get good use out of the dress :)

After leaving the hospital we went for an early dinner at a new steakhouse in town before Justin headed into work. So yummy! I ended up taking half my plate home.

On our way home we stopped and picked up flowers and took them to the cemetery. This was probably the hardest part of the day for me. I picked out the most fun, most bright flowers I could find. After all, it was a happy day :) Justin asked if I wanted to sing happy birthday but I didn't think I could manage so he sang a wonderful solo of happy birthday :) It was lovely.

My babies birthdays are by far going to become my favorite days of the year. What a wonderful day we had remembering our little girl. I often found myself smiling throughout the day just thinking about her and how glad we are to have her in our family. How we look forward to the day that we will all be able to celebrate together!!! 

Happy Birthday Emily LaNae! :)

When the Going Gets Tough... Create!

This post has been a long time coming. Last fall when I got out of the hospital I had so much free time on my hands and needed something to do. We had recently moved into our house and I was wanting to "cutsie" it up a bit. This is what happens when I am bored, or need a distraction. I come up with a project and throw myself into it. So here are just a few pictures of things I have worked on the last 6 months or so. Enjoy! :)

 My polka dot skirt, one of the few skirts that have color on them

 I used the same pattern for this skirt. I loved the style, but was wanting one that was a little more style-no color :)

 Key holder. Pinterest was my inspiration. Went and bought the frame and hooks, and used my cricut for the rest.

 These are the squares to my baby quilt I am making. I haven't finished stitching the foot prints and I have yet to pick out all my colors for the fabric. Hopefully I will finish it this summer!

 Also a pinterest inspiration-kinda.

 I don't even know where I got the idea for this. I woke up one morning and just pulling stuff out of my craft room to make something and this is what happened! I used my cricut and the dots are buttons.

 I have taken on a red, black, and brown polka dot theme in my kitchen and was needing something on my blank wall. I could never find anything in the store that would match well, so I bought frames and the rest was scrapbook paper I already had. Matches perfectly! :)

 These are the vinyl decals I have in my kitchen. It spans the top of the whole wall in my kitchen (this picture doesn't really do it justice). This was with the help of a friend of mine who I bounced ideas off of.

 These are the curtains I made for my back door in my kitchen.....I am still deciding whether i like them or not. This is the second set I have made and still can't decide..

 This was a mirror we had in our bedroom. My mother in law gave me the decal saying when we went out for Christmas and I was having a hard time deciding where to put it. This is where it ended up and I love it :)

 This is my baby scrapbook I made. Complete with all their pictures, footprints, birth dates and times and pictures of their burials. Pretty happy with how it turned out.

Mugs in my kitchen :) Found these at Hobby Lobby and decided they were perfect for my kitchen. I couldn't find shelves for them that would work (They are pretty wide mugs). So my wonderful hubby made these for me and I painted them. Go us! :)

P.S.-Can you tell I like polka dots? :)

What did the Hispanic Fire Chief call his two deputies? Jose and Hose B :)

So I wanted to update you all on how my "Happy Goal" is going. I am proud to say that it is going well.  Over the past couple weeks I have been consciously counting my blessings and trying to relish in the everyday moments that make life so wonderful. (I've even been practicing REAL smiles in the mirror) :) I have become a little more dedicated and focused on school. I got a job that is also helping to keep me busy. I have sewed a couple projects I have wanted to finish and have been helping my sister sew her senior prom dress. Little things like that have done wonders in helping me realize that I do have talents and that I CAN accomplish things.  Maybe I can't carry children, but by golly I can sew! :)

However, I have run into a problem that I find so frustrating. In those moments where I recognize that I am happy, I almost immediately feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty for feeling happy? I guess because on some level I feel like it is betraying the memory of what happened. Like being happy minimizes what I have been through. Which sounds so silly when I say it out loud. I feel like being happy means  I have forgotten about my children. Even though I never could forget them. But what woman could be happy when she carries around that memory?

Maybe I should look at the positive. It's okay to be happy. It doesn't mean I have forgotten about them, or that I don't still care or think about it everyday. But no one ever said I am required to be sad the rest of my life because I have buried my four children. I am allowed to enjoy the things I am experiencing in life, right? I guess another part of me wonders what other people must be thinking if they see me smiling and laughing. Do they think I'm heartless?

I don't know. I think this is part of learning how to be happy again. One day at a time, right? All I know is that slowly, but surely, I am getting there. And if I don't always feel happy, "fake it til you feel it" right?

Fumbling My Way to Happiness

This will be short, sweet, and to the point! (hopefully) I have decided it's time to be happy. Yup. A new goal of mine :) A week ago at a church function I kept hearing people tell me to "smile and be happy" Which at the time was so incredibly frustrating and annoying. I mean who are they to tell me to be happy? How about they live the last 6 months of my life and then tell me to smile and be happy? But as time went on I have come to appreciate the council.  They are right. It's time for me to be happy.  Not saying it will be easy and I won't still have hard days, but to be honest, I am so tired of being sad.

It has only been 6 months since the triplets, but in all reality I have been depressed for almost 2 years. I don't even know what it feels like to be happy anymore. I can't tell you the last time I smiled and laughed because I genuinely meant it. All my smiles are more automatic now, because I'm supposed to. And really, I don't even remember how to be happy. I don't remember what it feels like. And those brief times when I think I am happy, it feels silly. It feels foreign.

So here is a new goal of mine: Learn how to be happy. Life is a blessing. We are so blessed. Life is worth living and it's about time I learn how to enjoy it again :) Wish me luck!